Grey's Anatomy: Grey Matter

Stacy McKee on "Elevator Love Letter"...

Original Airdate: 3-26-09

Just so you know, I am a sap when it comes to marriage proposal stories. I love them. I love hearing them, I love telling them… I fully enjoy all the cheesy romantic oooey gooey-ness. I LOVE that Derek proposed! I LOVE that Meredith said yes! I can’t help it. I’m just cheesy that way.

But first things first. Entirely too much happened in this episode. TOO MUCH. Owen went all PTSD and choked Cristina in his sleep then she forgave him and they had ridiculously beautiful sex until she realized she had to dump him after all. Alex snooched (yes, you heard me right. Snooched.) into a cup for Izzie so her eggs could be extracted, fertilized, and frozen before her body gets all sick with radiation and chemo. Derek finally came back from the woods looking all Grisly Adams-ish to operate on Izzie’s brain and – and then… there’s that elevator. Where Derek proposed to Meredith, and she said YES.

Yup. Too much happened in this episode. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to talk about first.

Let’s start with the unpleasant part. Owen. And the choking. This was a tricky one. Let’s be clear. This is not a guy attacking a woman because he’s a guy who attacks women. We did not set out to tell a story about domestic abuse. This is a story about PTSD.

Owen is completely asleep when he attacks Cristina. Asleep, having a nightmare. Remember the story we did earlier this season about the guy with night terrors? Same thing. Did you see how dead Owen’s eyes look? He has no awareness of what’s happening. And the moment he wakes up, when Callie calls his name and he snaps out of the nightmare – Owen is more discombobulated and confused than anyone else. That’s why Cristina’s line is so important, when she asks Meredith if it would be any more appropriate to abandon Owen right now than it would be to abandon someone who had suffered a stroke or a heart attack. Owen is wounded. He does have war wounds. Which, as a doctor, Cristina recognizes. And she’s not going to let that intimidate her. She knows wounds can be healed.

The point isn’t the choking, it’s where Owen goes from here... The story we’ve always wanted to tell is one of healing and awareness and treatment for PTSD. That’s part of what you’ll see Owen struggling with in episodes to come. But before we can get there, before Owen can be truly willing to seek out help – we needed to see him hit rock bottom. We needed him to realize that his symptoms aren’t necessarily within his own control. We needed him to choke Cristina.

And if you felt a little worried when Cristina and Owen started to kiss, if you felt a little twinge of heartbreak for the two of them as they finally, beautifully consummated their relationship… that’s what you were supposed to feel. It’s exactly what we see creeping into Cristina’s face, after the sex, when she can’t fall asleep. She’s having a very quiet, but very real panic attack right there in Owen’s arms. I feel like there’s a part of Owen and Cristina that knew – even as they were finally having sex after all this time – that this was actually a goodbye.

NOW – Alex Karev. Can I just say – the minute I saw the first cut of this episode, I ran into Shonda’s office and declared that Alex should ALWAYS do the voice over because it is just so fantastic! Right from the start, the second you hear Alex’s voice and see him pacing outside of Izzie’s room… you know this episode is a little bit different. It has a different energy, a different pace. Did you notice all the quiet, haunting moments? Did you notice there wasn’t a single big, scary medical Act Out? This episode is quiet. It’s still. It needs to sit in its quiet moments, not breeze past them.

I adore Alex, always have. And this was the perfect time to have him narrate the show, since he’s just learned that Izzie is dying. When Alex is venting to Meredith in the on-call room-- Oh man. (I’ll just preface this with the fact that – as I mentioned before,  I am a bit of a sap and, yes, sometimes I cry easily) but  I’m telling you –  we ALL teared up on set when we were shooting Justin in that scene. He’s just tremendous. We don’t get to see Alex Karev be vulnerable very often, so when we finally do… It is so worth it. Especially when he says that this wasn’t how he wanted to make a baby with Izzie... Love him. Couldn’t love him more in that moment.

And I’ve saved the best, of course, for last. The Elevator Proposal.

First of all, you should know that there’s a long standing debate in our writers’ room about what does or does not make for a good marriage proposal. Some of us prefer what Shonda calls the Oooey Gooey Disgusting stuff –  the more traditional proposals, usually involving grand gestures and flowers and rings and romance. But Shonda’s taste is exactly the opposite of any of that. The minute one of us launches into a romantic recounting of one of our own marriage proposals… Shonda basically covers her ears as though they might bleed. To her, those oooey gooey romance filled proposals are pretty much akin to… well… Hell. Which is why she’s Shonda. She’s a little dark and twisty - in all the best ways. It’s also what makes her a little like Meredith Grey.

So you can imagine just how hard it was to come up with what the perfect marriage proposal might be for Meredith Grey. It couldn’t be oooey and gooey. Couldn’t be a traditional, down on one knee proposal. But it’s also a piece of Grey’s Anatomy history, five seasons in the making. It needed to be true to who Meredith and Derek are together – what their history is, why they love each other, how they understand each other…

And it did have to be romantic. But not predictably romantic. It had to feel magical and fresh and totally, completely perfect for Meredith and Derek.

So what better place than their elevator? And what better way than by revisiting their lives together as doctors? It would be wrong for Derek Shepherd to get down on one knee. Even worse for him to offer up the ring he hit into the woods. Derek needed to give Meredith HER perfect proposal. Which, as it turns out, involved an elevator, light boxes and a lot of brain scans.

I love that Meredith only says yes when the proposal is right. She stays true to herself; she won’t say yes out of pity or because Derek needs an ego boost. She will only – can only – say yes once Izzie is fine. Once Derek is fine. Once the proposal is finally, totally right. And what I love is that what makes the proposal right is that Derek finally gets it. He finally understands and accepts completely who Meredith really is. Sure – she’s got a dark side. She’s seen more trauma in her life than most people. And, amazingly, she’s just about the only person this entire episode NOT suffering from PTSD. As Derek says, she’s seen worse, she’s survived worse, and she knows the people around her will survive it too.

What I love is that Derek finally puts into words the one thing she really needs to hear from him. That Meredith’s dark side is not a flaw, it’s her strength. It’s what makes her who she is. And that’s why he loves her.

See? Not too cheesy. Not too sappy. Magical proposals CAN be achieved, even without rose petals and rings in champagne glasses! Although, it does help when Grisly Adams finally shaves off his beard!

When I was pitching my episode down to Shonda, back when it was just an idea and nothing more, Shonda stopped me mid-pitch to say this: “Stacy. Just so you’re clear, if you pitch me that the last scene of your entire episode is the proposal, I will vomit.”

Which, given the fact that proposals basically make Shonda break out in hives, I should have been prepared for… And though it is entirely possible I maybe might have once upon a time planned on ending the episode with the Elevator Proposal, that is NOT how I pitched it. And that is NOT how I wrote it. Because that would have just been too Oooey and gooey. Too romantic. Too cheesy. Too me. And not enough Meredith Grey.

Plus, I really really hate vomit.

Stacy McKee on "These Ties That Bind"...

Original Airdate: 11-13-08

I have this vase. It has its very own spot, right in the center of my breakfast room table, directly in front of the window, where the light will shine through it. It’s beautiful – Murano glass with multicolored stripes of orange and yellow and pink and blue… I love this vase. It was an engagement gift, and it’s one of a kind. Irreplaceable. And a few weeks ago, my kitten figured out how to jump up onto my breakfast room table (but he couldn’t figure out how to STAY on the table) so my new little kitten skidded all the way across the top of the table and crashed onto the floor below… taking my vase with him.

I jumped into action – first making sure my kitten wasn’t hurt, then starting the task of carefully sweeping up every last shard of broken glass… Only, as I stood there, broom in hand, staring down at all those beautiful broken shards, I started to cry. And cry. And cry and cry and cry and cry and pretty soon my husband was there, trying to figure out how I could possibly be sobbing – SOBBING – over what was, let’s face it, a PIECE OF GLASS. And through my crazy, slightly manic tears, I managed to blurt out that it wasn’t just a piece of glass! It was a beautiful vase. A beautiful vase that made me happy every time I looked at it and that was important because sometimes we all need reminders of things that make us happy. That vase was from a time in our life when things were new and bright and just beginning and now it’s gone. The vase is gone forever, there’s no way to bring it back. I felt connected to that vase, and I already missed it. I MISSED THE DAMN VASE.

Is what I said. Through my tears. Gesturing with my broom. Which was pretty ridiculous. Only, not – because what you don’t know is that over the summer, my dad passed away. Then a couple of weeks later, my cat passed away. Which is the only reason I have a new kitten in the first place. And the truth is – this was probably the first time I’d really – REALLY – let myself cry. I finally let myself start to feel that incredible mish mash of feelings we all have when we lose people who are important to us. I was crying for all the loss I’d been feeling for months. And it took a shattered vase to help me let it out.

In Callie Torres’s case… all it takes is some shattered bones.

I know, I know – Hahn isn’t dead. But she IS gone. And Callie is feeling it – sort of. Callie’s diving into work. She wants bones to break, skeletons to build, SOMETHING to keep her from thinking about Erica. Erica played an unbelievably important role in Callie’s life; Erica’s relationship with Callie has completely redefined how Callie sees herself. That’s something you can’t undo. Erica’s departure has left Callie with this big gaping hole that she has no idea how to fill. Callie had just started to figure out her own feelings, her own identity and now – Hahn’s gone. Without a goodbye. Whether or not Callie and Erica were ever soul mates, you can’t deny that they played irreplaceable roles in each other’s lives. The heartbreak that Callie is feeling is very very real. And very very private until – she starts to cry, and cry and cry and cry, in the OR, over the bones that she built from scratch. She’s crying for all the loss and heartbreak and sadness she hasn’t allowed herself to really feel yet. Which is why it’s so lovely that Callie’s friends – Yang, Sloan, and even Owen – recognize the moment for what it is and try to give her the privacy she needs to mourn.

Kinda like me with my vase. Only, Sara Ramirez looks WAY more glamorous than me when she cries.

Callie isn’t the only one feeling a lack of connection. It’s clear that Owen is having difficulty adjusting to life at SGH. He calls in Derek and Mark for help, then disregards their concerns about his patient. I love watching Owen’s face when he’s listening to his patient’s story, about how somewhere along the way the patient just lost the ability to connect. It’s clear that it resonates with Owen, and it’s only after that moment that he really becomes receptive to Derek. And I think that it’s because of that moment that Owen goes in for that kiss with Cristina… Owen doesn’t want to lose his ability to connect with other people. But, obviously, he’s having some difficulty connecting gracefully – that kiss isn’t soft or romantic. It’s a little desperate –- at least at first.

What’s nice is that Cristina seems to recognize this. And even though she walks away from Owen in the end, there’s no judgment there. It’s just that she doesn’t quite know what to do with all the feelings she’s feeling…

Which brings me to Cristina. And how displaced she’s got to be feeling in this episode… because of Sadie. Meredith’s Pre-Cristina Cristina.  Sadie knew Meredith back when Mer was traveling around Europe. Back when Mer was a little wilder and a little crazier (What? You think a girl who can throw back multiple tequila shots and perform surgery the next day doesn’t have a past?) Back when, apparently, Meredith’s nickname was Death. Sadie shares history with Meredith that Cristina can’t. She’s connected to Meredith in a way that Cristina never can be… and that’s uncomfortable for Cristina. She doesn’t like to share – she especially doesn’t like to share her person.

One story I love in this episode involves Meredith and her other person – Derek. Meredith and Derek are as healthy and happy as we’ve ever seen them. And what I love is that they are functioning the way solid, happy couples function. In this case, Derek sees a chance for Meredith to connect with her sister, he encourages her to do so – and it works. Once Meredith talks to Lexie, she does get worried about her little sister’s well being, and enlists Derek’s help keeping Little Sloan out of Little Grey.

Which, by the way, really IS one of the most ridiculous things any grown man (especially Derek Shepherd) could say to one another man. And that makes it all the more sweet that Derek is perfectly willing to say it to Mark Sloan. He does it for Meredith. Which makes me love him for loving her so completely.

In an episode about connection, I also love that we introduce a character whose very identity is wrapped up in the fact that she has difficulty connecting with the people around her. Dixon (played beautifully by Mary McDonnell) has Aspergers syndrome, which is a mild form of autism. This doesn’t keep her from being an incredible surgeon; in fact, her obsessive interest in the human heart is probably the very thing that has helped her master it.  But her condition does keep her from being able to communicate with patients or with our doctors in a way that we’re use to… The moment in the elevator, when Bailey finally realizes why Dixon is the way she is… Couldn’t love it more. Because it’s so rare that Bailey, of all our characters, ever oversteps. Only it’s so clear that she has and that she’s ashamed of it.

And then, of course, there’s Izzie. Who is clearly still connected to Denny, even beyond the grave…

Here’s what I’ll say about Denny.

I want you to take a moment, and just think for a second. About what you would do if someone you lost, who was unbelievably important to you, suddenly showed up in your room. Right now. While you’re sitting at your computer and reading this blog and suddenly feeling a chill on the back of your neck and hearing, from behind you, in a familiar voice: “Hi.” It’s someone – your lover, your parent, your grandparent, your best friend, your ex-fiancée… someone you thought was gone forever and suddenly now they are right there. Standing next to you. Asking you to talk to them, asking you to hold their hand.

Sure, at first you’d be scared and freaked out and seriously considering the possibility that you might very well be crazy… but in the next moment, what would you do? You have wished every day since that person left that you could see them, touch them, just one more time. What would you do?

I know what I’d do. I’d take my dead dad’s hand. And we’d sit there and stay up all night talking about all the things we never got a chance to talk about. And I wouldn’t care if he was dead or if I was crazy because it would be so great just to hear his voice again.

So, can you imagine, if you were Izzie, what you might do if Denny suddenly appeared to you? And after trying to ignore him, and trying to say goodbye to him, and even after BURNING his fricking sweater, he was STILL there…

All I’m saying is… maybe this is one connection that gets to defy all logic and common sense and, instead, maybe it just gets to be. Even if it does seem too good to be true.

Like the new vase that magically appeared on my desk the other day. I walked into my office and there it was. Just like new. Like magic. (Turns out my husband secretly contacted the glass factory in Venice that made my vase, found their one local retailer in the states, and – amazingly – was able to track down an almost near replica of the very vase my kitten shattered. He snuck into my office in the middle of my work day and left it there for me.) But to me it was magic. My magical Murano vase, back from the dead. And in that moment, for so so many reasons, I’d never been so happy.

Stacy McKee on "Piece of My Heart"...

Original Airdate: 5-1-08

I have a confession to make. About the character of Addison: I love her. Not vagina monologue kind of love – but love none the less.

I love her sense of humor. I love her friendships with Callie and Bailey. I love how she’s always known exactly how to call Derek out on exactly whatever it is he needs to be called out on. I love how good she is at her job. I love that she’s basically Sloan’s McDreamy – even if his feelings aren’t reciprocated. I love that she loves potato chips. I love that she walks the hospital halls in heels that any normal woman would twist her ankle in… I love Addison. And I love that this was her episode to come back to Seattle for a visit.

The nice thing about bringing Addison back right now is that – she’s been gone a while. She hasn’t been privy to most of the Seattle Grace shenanigans since her departure. So she’s uniquely qualified to walk back through the doors at SGH and call things like she sees them. She can react the way we’re all secretly reacting to Derek Christopher Shepherd pining away for someone OTHER than Meredith Grey. She can notice just how much her good friend Callie seems to jive with newbie Erica Hahn… and Addison can get Bailey to admit (the way Bailey would NEVER admit to someone she saw and  worked with everyday) that she is really struggling right now, just to keep it together.

Addison is a perfect sounding board because a lot of our characters don’t have sounding boards of their own right now. Addison is a safe confidant. She can take in everyone’s uncertainty, their panic, their pain… and take it right back to LA with her when she leaves. No one needs to worry about their friends and colleagues at SGH seeing the cracks in their armor. Which is good. Because right now – there are a lot of cracks.

For instance, Izzie.  She’s floundering right now. She’s all on her own and trying to figure things out for herself – but “on her own” is not exactly a comfortable place for Izzie to be… She doesn’t have the same kind of connection with George that she used to have; he’s got Lexie now, and all of his other intern friends. Izzie’s not at the top of her game professionally – she’s not finding her medical stride like Meredith or Cristina. Izzie’s doing the opposite; she’s hiding out in the clinic where even there her patients are requesting different doctors. Then there’s Ava/Rebecca/Jane Doe. Izzie learns Rebecca isn’t actually pregnant, but what can she do with that information? As George and Lexie would say – she’s coded. Hard.   

Cristina’s also starting to crack as Erica continues to shut her down over and over and over. The moment in surgery when Erica gives Alex props, and not Cristina – after Cristina is the one who massaged the baby’s heart back to life – for me, that has always been a turning point for Cristina. In that moment, I’ve always imagined that Cristina’s world probably flashes before her eyes– Cristina can’t help but compare her relationship with Erica Hahn to how trusted and encouraged she always was with Burke. The moment leaves Cristina a little raw, which is why she’s able to confront Hahn later at the bar.  But even when confronted, Erica’s explanation to Cristina isn’t exactly something Cristina can take a lot of comfort in…

Then there’s Callie – and Erica. And the vagina monologues, which – actually – I’m choosing not to blog about. This is one story you should just watch and enjoy. Anything I might say about it now will simply step on your enjoyment of what’s to come, so…

On to Derek.  Who is all sorts of conflicted over working with Meredith on this clinical trial. On one hand, Meredith is finally shining professionally – and Derek doesn’t want to let her down. He wants her to shine, he wants to help her if he can… but on the other hand, he knows the reality of this clinical trial; he knows there are ridiculous risks. He also knows that the closer he and Meredith work together, the harder it will be for him if he can’t help her make medical history. She’s expecting greatness, and he isn’t sure he can deliver on that, which only feeds his anxiety about performing this first clinical trial surgery.

By the way, I would just like to point out that I’ve been writing on Grey’s since Season One, and Phillip, the clinical trial patient, is the first patient I’ve ever killed in one of my episodes. I made the mistake of mentioning this fact in the writer’s room one day, and I’m pretty sure that had something to do with Shonda’s insistence that Phillip must die (never mind that the story really doesn’t work if he lives. This is all about me. Obviously.) At any rate, I am no longer a patient killing virgin. Just wanted to point that out.

Finally, there’s Alex. And Ava. Or Rebecca. Or whatever you want to call her… Here’s something you should know about this story – we debated a long long time as to whether or not we should reveal in this episode – or a few episodes down the line – that Rebecca isn’t actually pregnant. In fact, even at our table read for this episode, it ended with Izzie looking at lab results, and uttering a little “Oh my god” – but nothing else. And you should have heard the reaction – WHAT DO THE LAB RESULTS SAY?!?!? – which, ultimately, is part of why we decided to at least answer that part of the question in the same episode we introduce it.

This is a story about Alex. Not about an unwanted pregnancy. Not about some unborn baby. It’s about Alex and what he’s getting ready to go through emotionally. What he’s willing and not willing to do. This is about his journey through the rest of the season – so we didn’t want to tease you guys with some faux pregnancy story that ultimately just felt like a stunt. By letting you know now that Rebecca isn’t actually pregnant – then letting you watch Alex take his next few steps forward from this point on… Suddenly the entire arc has a much darker, more interesting underbelly. For instance – think about that last image of Alex reaching over and touching Rebecca’s belly… SO much more weird and creepy when you know what Alex doesn’t. It’s a moment that, for Alex, is filled with something tender and sweet and maybe even a little bit hopeful… only… for us, so not.

Before I sign off, I just wanted to draw your attention to something addressed in this episode - the fact that an HIV positive pregnant woman, with proper prenatal care, has less than a 2% chance of passing HIV on to her unborn baby. It's a piece of medical information most people don't fully understand or realize (I know I didn't) -- including a few doctors. Which is pretty remarkable, really. If you're interested in learning more, you can click here: http://www.cdc.gov/hiv/topics/perinatal/index.htm

And that’s that. Addison has come and gone. Ava’s pregnant, but not. Mer and Der are (sort of) killing terminal patients for sport. Callie may or may not be speaking vagina monologues. And – I just realized – if you’re reading this before watching tonight’s episode then… well… I just spoiled a bunch of stuff for you – which is your fault for reading the blogs before watching the episodes anyway! Two words: Ya Coded.

Stacy McKee on "Kung Fu Fighting"...

Original Airdate: 11-1-07

So – I have this group of friends. It started as just four of us – two of whom I’ve known since I was six years old… They all live in Texas (where I grew up) and I live in California – so we don’t all get to see each other as often as we’d like… A few years ago, we decided to start taking little trips together – just us girls. Nothing too fancy – just happy, silly girlfriend getaways – to Vegas or New Orleans or Hawaii… And (as a joke, really) we started calling ourselves “The Bad Girls.” Mostly because we’d find ourselves in Vegas on a Friday night, totally wiped after airplane flights and crazy work weeks – and we’d be ready for bed, perfectly sober, by 11pm. SO happy just to sleep.

Very sad. So NOT “bad” at all. In any way. And yet… the name stuck.

Pretty soon, all our other friends, our spouses, our parents – they all started calling us “The Bad Girls” too. Us. The most ridiculously tame “bad girls” on the planet – I’m not kidding. Our version of hardcore is getting henna tattoos – because they’re not permanent.  True story.

The strange thing is, it’s like we’ve inadvertently formed some exclusive club --- our husbands get jealous of our trips and try to invite themselves along. Some of us have been approached by other friends – they want to be Bad Girls too; isn’t there some way they can join in all the fun? They’ll do what it takes. They’ll get hazed. They can be bad; they can be hardcore… It’s a little like our own private Fight Club or something – only, with pedicures and martinis instead of all the blood and – well – punching.

We’re so not hardcore, and yet… we also kind of are. Hardcore comes in many shapes and many sizes. (And, yes, I know that sounds porny. You people and your dirty dirty minds.)

Let’s talk about Meredith. She ended the last episode by finally putting her mother to rest – by washing Ellis’ ashes down a scrub sink. And now – she’s reeling a little bit. Starting to reevaluate why she is where she is, why she’s being haunted by her past, why – after experiencing death and coming back from it – she’s still too scared to really move forward and go after what she really wants – what she really needs…

Meredith wants nothing more than to be strong and brave and… hardcore. And, in this episode, she comes so close. She’s lying there in Derek’s arms, and she starts to open up – to let him in. And, you can see it in Derek’s eyes. You can almost hear what he’s thinking in that moment – that this is it. He put himself out there two episodes ago, he told her that he wants a future – a real future – and he wants it with her… And finally, Meredith is about to answer him. With something other than sex in an on-call room. She’s about to let him in and admit to him that life is short, so fricking short. She wants that same future with him too. And yet…

She doesn’t. She stops short of actually letting Derek in and – as usual – shuts down. Just shy of REALLY putting herself out there. Almost hardcore, but… not quite. He knows it. And she knows it. Which is why she’s so messed up in the end.

Ah… the end. When Meredith opens the door to find Alex and Lexie getting sexy in the hallway. Love it. In fact, I pretty much always love Alex Karev – like when he’s heckling George or stifling laughter as they all watch the skydiver video. Alex is kind of the epitome of hardcore – he’s a bad ass without even trying. He was with Ava last episode, he’s with Lexie in this one… and he makes no apologies for that. He calls it like it is – no one can say Lexie doesn’t know what she’s getting in to – Alex couldn’t have been more clear. She may get laid, but she isn’t getting a boyfriend. Not from him. Which she is Ok with…

… Or, at least, she must think she’s Ok with it. Lexie’s struggling to be hardcore herself. I don’t know if I’d go so far as to say, perhaps, this kind of struggle must run in the family, but… Okay. Fine. It must run in the family – because Lexie, though she’s very different from Meredith in many many ways, in this one way – they seem to be exactly alike.

Meredith and Lexie both want to succeed. They want to be strong. They want to feel normal. They want, so much, to be whole. But it’s a struggle – a genuine struggle for them. Being hardcore doesn’t come naturally. Sometimes, they have to fake it.

Which, in Lexie’s case, means getting sexy with Alex.

But my favorite incarnation of being hardcore in this episode, of course, comes in the form of the gentleman’s evening. Maybe because it reminds me of me and my Bad Girls. Or maybe because it’s so fun to see Derek and Mark try to figure out what the heck a gentleman’s evening actually is. (Monopoly is the perfect choice, by the way, because this is Richard’s gentleman’s evening. Remember – he’s the guy who brought a selection of soft cheeses with him to ‘rough it’ in the woods on the camping trip.) And maybe it’s because it’s just so great to watch Erica Hahn, on her first day of work at Seattle Grace, walk in, infiltrate the evening, and make the guys squirm.

Now SHE is hardcore. Clearly. A welcome addition to Seattle Grace. It’s been a while since a kick ass female surgeon stepped into the mix to shake things up. And the fact that it’s Cristina’s world she’s going to shake up the most? Even better. This is gonna be fun.

My point is – being bad, being hardcore? It’s all subjective. It’s a state of mind. It’s different for every single one of us. It’s an uber competitive game of Monopoly on Derek’s trailer porch. Or, it’s Lexie deciding she’ll take Alex up on his offer of uncomplicated, no-strings-attached sex. Or it’s George curling up next to sweet, frazzled Izzie, and deciding it’s okay if they just…sleep tonight. It’s staying awake for your own open heart surgery. It’s taking pride in your job, even if today that just means holding a bloody wedding dress, allllll day long… It’s giving yourself permission to take that rare day off of work so you can hop on a plane and spend some quality time with your Bad Girls. Even if the most debaucherous thing you and your Bad Girls do all weekend is fall asleep before 11pm and stay in bed the next morning till noon. That’s still TOTALLY hardcore. It’s not lame at all. Uh uh, no way. Sleep gives us strength. And you can’t be hardcore if you’re all tired and cranky with bags under your eyes and --- Ok, fine. Sleeping till noon isn’t exactly hardcore. Whatever. You guys know what I mean.

Stacy McKee gives you some "Time after Time"

Original airdate: 4-19-07

Ok. Before I get into the whole George slippity slipping on Izzie’s scrub pants and Derek needing to choose: Be the Chief or Be With Meredith and DAMN – did you notice that Richard can TOTALLY bust a move ??--- I just want to say…

Welcome back, you guys! It’s been a little while since the last new Grey’s Episode… And it’s been even longer since I’ve had a chance to talk to you! That was Waaaaay back in November, back before George was married (let alone falling for Izzie!), back before Meredith was (almost) dead (and talking to dead people), HECK – back before the boys went camping! THINK of how much has HAPPENED!!!

I know – lately we’ve had a few repeats, and you’ve all been very patient, but now… here we are. This week marks the first of the final few Season Three episodes and – MAN. I can say this because I know what’s going to happen next… I seriously envy you guys. You are about to have SO MUCH FUN. All new episodes. Funny episodes. Heartbreaking episodes. Supersized episodes. Cliffhanger episodes.

This is it. The beginning of the end of the season. So, brace yourselves.

Now, about THIS episode…

I want to talk about mothers. (I know – it sounds boring, but just stick with me for a second here.) Love ‘em, hate ‘em, miss ‘em, or try very hard (only to be unsuccessful) to fool ‘em – we’ve all got some kind of mother somewhere. Even if we’ve never met her. Even if she’s not related by blood. Even if she’s haunting us from the grave. Even if, when we went to college, she secretly recorded things onto our computers like: “Words of Wisdom from Mom: Never have unprotected sex on days that end in the letter Y” -- We all have a mother. Whether we like it or not.

(And yes, my mom DID record that onto my computer when I was a college freshman. And, no – I never could figure out how to erase it, so… every time I misspelled a word for the next four years, I was reminded to use a condom. True story.)

There are a whole lotta mothers floating around tonight’s episode.

Ava meets her faux mother. This poor girl has no memory, a new face, her only real friend right now is Alex and she’s about to become a mother herself – and suddenly the cruelest thing imaginable happens to her. She is first claimed by, then rejected by her “faux” mother. When Ava’s “mom” walks through that door, Ava believes that her life, the very history she can’t remember, is about to be restored -- only to have that hope yanked away from her – it’s horrible. It’s devastating. And Alex is the one who has to deliver the news. Alex, the guy who has been there, looking out for Ava, from the very first moment he pulled her out of that water – he’s the one who has to tell her that “those people” are not HER people. No wonder she lashes out at him. Stupid faux mommy.

And then there’s Meredith – trying to figure out how to react to HER Fake Mommy. I swear, if anyone could use a little motherly nurturing, it’s Meredith Grey.

I was secretly thrilled when I realized I was going to have Susan in my episode. I love Susan. Sure, she’s a little pushy (what with the whole bringing groceries over uninvited thing – and chatting up Derek before Meredith has even stumbled her way downstairs…) but Susan is, mostly, just a very caring, very genuine MOM. The exact opposite of Ellis. It’s the kind of mother Meredith has never actually experienced first hand, and it’s the kind of mother Meredith (clearly) desperately needs – even if she isn’t sure how to accept Susan’s kindness quite yet…  There was a line that had to be cut for time that I loved: “I’m not used to moms of any kind before my coffee.”

But don’t be fooled – Susan’s not squeaky clean and perfect. Her “gestures” aren’t coming out of a solely kind and generous place… they are also brought on by some good old fashioned guilt. Susan feels responsible for the fact that Thatcher was so absent from Meredith’s life. Susan’s known about Meredith for years, for her entire marriage – and yet, it was a very recent chance meeting at the hospital that finally prompted Susan (and Thatch) to become a part of Meredith’s life…

No wonder Meredith is a little cautious. In Meredith’s experience, mothers ALWAYS have an agenda, and it’s usually not a generous or thoughtful one…Which is why Susan is so important. She has the potential to help heal a few of those wounds for Meredith. Susan is like a happy little beacon of motherly hope for Meredith and her future… even if she DOES stop by unannounced.

But, of course, the Grey’s universe has to even itself out. We can’t have the potential of a happy, hopeful motherly Susan relationship on the horizon for Meredith without a little dark and twisty Dead Mommy love haunting Meredith, too – even from the grave.

And by haunting, I mean messing with Meredith’s McDreamy.

Richard says to Derek that he made a promise to Ellis. Richard told Ellis, on her deathbed, that he would look out for Meredith. So, as unfair as it seems, Richard intends to make good on that promise. Which means he’s willing to pass up Derek as the next Chief in order to make sure Derek will be available to focus on Meredith.

What’s so interesting about this is that – it’s not that Richard is punishing Derek for having a relationship with an intern. Or, in fact, trying to force Derek to choose between his relationship with Meredith or a shot at being Chief… Actually, it’s a vote of confidence from Richard. Richard clearly thinks Derek is good for Meredith. Richard wants their relationship to succeed. And he knows – firsthand – that nurturing a relationship properly is nearly impossible given the professional demands of being Chief. He thinks he’s doing Derek (and therefore Meredith) a favor. Richard is protecting Meredith. He thinks he’s doing exactly what Meredith’s Dead Mommy would want him to do…

The question is – how will Derek respond to all of this? We see him there, at the end – lost in thought. What’s he thinking about? Is he questioning whether or not Meredith’s worth all this trouble –  Is he thinking about what Bailey just said to him – that if you can’t be with the person you love, then all the rest of “this” means nothing… ?  Yes and Yes. Derek’s not being a jerk by not answering the phone. He’s being human. He’s trying his best to work through his demons – in private – so he doesn’t take them out (unfairly) on anyone (like Meredith) in public – he doesn’t WANT to hurt Meredith; he loves her. And, he’s just been told that she’s the one thing that will prevent him from achieving his life-long professional dream. Cut the guy some slack. He’s allowed a broody night all alone in his trailer, don’t you think?

Then of course, there’s Bailey. She always knows when one of her “kids” needs her. She just can’t help herself… And right now, that kid is Izzie.

The Izzie bone marrow story has been swirling around our writers room for a while. In fact, I’m pretty sure that as soon as we figured out Izzie had a daughter – we also figured out that one day, that daughter would get sick. She would need bone marrow. And that would bring her to Izzie.

The question has always been – WHEN do we bring Izzie’s daughter back? There have been a LOT of possibilities, but suddenly – in the wake of this new Izzie/George relationship… At this very crucial moment, when Izzie is mourning the loss of her closest friend, and when Goerge is having trouble even looking Izzie in the eye… SOMETHING needed to happen that would bring them together—privately. Intimately. Perfectly.

Hello, Izzie Jr!

The thing I’ve always loved about this story is that it’s not about Izzie or George. Their tension, their fling, their awkwardness – it all gets put on a back burner the moment something much more important falls into their lives. They have to set aside their weirdness, step outside of themselves and their screwed up lives, and – just hold each others hands.

It’s like that moment, just before the hematologist starts to drill into Izzie’s hip, when Izzie and George’s faces are just inches apart, and nothing else matters. It’s just George being there for Izzie when she needs him most – it’s clean, it’s simple, and it’s one of the most meaningful moments – for both of them. Well… that and the scene with the scrub pants…

SIDEBAR: Can we please talk about George and Izzie’s scrub pants??? Is it just me, or was that moment charged in a way that made me both a liiiiittle bit uncomfortable AND incapable of breathing for – well – the rest of the scene? I’m telling you – this whole George/ Izzie thing? I’m as conflicted as you are. I see a scene like that and I think to myself – Oh my goodness, they belong together. Right NOW. Make it happen!! Until I see Callie a few scenes later and… well, I get mad at myself for forgetting all about her. Because I love Callie, and I hate the idea that George might hurt her – REALLY hurt her… Callie’s blameless here. She loves a man who really really seems to be… falling for his best friend?!?!?

Alright. Enough already. I’ve been talking way way too long – plus, I still have to call MY mom and find out what she thought of the episode… I tried calling her last night (I’m in LA and she’s two hours later in Houston) – and I very carefully timed it so she’d be done with all her work (she kicks butt as a realtor there) so we could chat… and when I called, she answered with: “Now, Stacy. You KNOW I can’t talk to you right now. The Chief just told some woman that he’s ‘a FRIENDLY guy.’ I have to go!!”

And then she hung up on me.

(sigh.) Moms!

Stacy McKee on "Let the Angels Commit"

Original airdate: 11/2/06

You know what’s funny? I’ve been sitting here for a good – oh – hour at least (which, by the way, means it’s gone from being bright and sunny to darkity dark dark outside, all by what? 5:00pm?  I’m just going to say it. I officially hate daylight savings time) grappling with how to start this week’s writers blog.

It’s funny, because I actually blog with you guys every week (I also write the Grey’s Nurse’s Blog, for those of you who don’t know) and I usually have NO trouble at all coming up with all sorts of fun things to say, only… I just realized – the reason I’m having so much trouble tonight is… I can’t hide behind a character. I know exactly what Nurse Debbie would say about this episode (“Hello. What is this – Bring Your Snarky Sister To Work Day or what???”)

But tonight… I have to simply write this blog as… Me.

Jeesh. It’s a lot of pressure, people!

So – after watching my episode again (looking for inspiration), then watching the sun go down outside (again, looking for inspiration) – it hit me. There’s really only one way to get this blog started—

I have to be Ham.

I am ham, and I am committed to dish with you about this deliciously murky, incredibly dark and twisty episode. H. A. M. – Ham.

Now, let’s talk about Meredith and Derek. I’m sure you all noticed they don’t have a lot of face time in this episode – but, put yourself in Meredith’s position. How COULD they? She broke up with Finn. Then she told Derek that… she broke up with Finn. And now – she’s waiting – has BEEN waiting for Derek to, in some way, react to her news about dearly departed ex-boy-toy Finn!!! Suddenly she’s single; he’s single. Finally. They have a real chance at being together and – there’s a McHottie in Derek’s bed.

Ok, so it’s his sister, but whatever.

If I were Meredith – there’s really no way I’d be able to do anything right now but bite my nails, try to focus on work, avoid the HECK out of Derek and spend way too much time over analyzing things with my closest friends, only… Meredith can’t even do that. Because her closest friend, Cristina, is dealing with her own crazy problems, so…

It brings us to one of my very favorite (heartbreaking though it is) moments between Meredith and Derek. When they finally run into each other, after a very long gut wrenching day. Derek finally fesses up to the fact that he hasn’t so much as even called Meredith – but he should have. (Damn right he should.) And Meredith – trying so very hard to keep herself together, not to cry or scream or whatever it is you DO in that situation – the situation in which Derek SO SHOULD HAVE CALLED – and she says, simply: “But you didn’t.” God, that moment kills me every time. It just breaks my heart because – by not calling, Derek has said so much more to her than he ever could have said in a conversation. He’s shown Meredith that he has things to sort out. He’s shown her he’s not necessarily ready to move forward with her right now. He’s shown her the very thing she realizes, right there in the stairwell – that despite all this being newly single-ness… Derek needs some space.

So, in that moment, Meredith gives it to him. And don’t you just know that it kills her inside to do so, but… that’s what it means to be Ham. You just have to commit to something. Whether you want to or not.

Now – as for Derek, I for one really enjoy seeing him with his sister. It’s fun, frankly, to watch him interact with a woman he ISN’T sleeping with. And it’s just so nice to get a glimpse of who he must be at home, with his family – with all of his sisters – as a brother. The line where Derek tells Nancy that she sounds more and more like Mom everyday? Yeah, my brother’s said that to me a few times. And the part where Addison and Mark watch Nancy leave – and they sigh to themselves about how much they miss her? Can’t you just picture what the pre-Seattle Shepherd family holidays must have been like? Don’t you just KNOW it’s a blast to hang out at their place? I LOVE how Nancy gives us this teeny tiny window into the family that helped turn McDreamy into McDreamy.

Ok – now I have to take a moment to talk about Bailey. Holy crap – the look on her face at the end of this episode? Killer. But the part that the ham in me HAS to talk about – is the exchange Bailey has with Burke, after the Humpty Dumpty surgery, when Burke (backed into a corner and with absolutely no choice) is forced to tell Bailey that he “just couldn’t use” her. Burke – Burke of ALL people – should have Bailey’s back, and yet – he says something like that. And Bailey, of course, thinks she knows exactly what Burke means – because Bailey said the exact same thing to Izzie Stevens earlier in the day.

Bailey doesn’t trust Stevens. Bailey is disappointed in Stevens. Bailey doesn’t even really want to work with Stevens (remember when Bailey questions the Chief about putting Izzie back on her service?) So to Bailey? It’s like Burke must feel that exact same way about her – it’s just horrible. For Bailey, for Burke.

Until that final moment when Bailey sees Cristina writing and erasing things on that OR board…. And it hits her. There’s more to this than meets the eye. Which tells us all that clearly – things are about to get even more horrible for Cristina.

Oh, Cristina. Seattle Grace’s own Lady Macbeth… what can I say about Cristina? She’s (barely) holding it all together. She and Burke have started this thing – they have become a team, a well oiled machine, only… how long do they really think they can keep something like this up? Theirs is a temporary fix to potentially very big problem… they’ve barely been able to put their system into place and already, it’s beginning to unravel. But the thing to remember is this – Cristina is the definition of Ham. She is doing precisely what she has to do to protect Burke – whether it earns her points or burns bridges with her friends or her colleagues – she’s doing what it takes. Because she’s committed.

Alright – it occurs to me that, by being such a committed piece of ham, I’ve managed to write a very long blog already, and I still haven’t been able to address many MANY of our other characters. SO – quickly –

Izzie understands Gretchen (The Crazy Burn Girl) so well, because that speech, where Gretchen talks about only being known as one thing, as a failure? Izzie gets that in SUCH a big way – I mean, here she is, finally at work, and she isn’t even allowed to touch a patient because the last time she did, it was Denny. Talk about only being known for one thing? All anyone at Seattle Grace knows Izzie as is “The Intern Who Quit After Killing Her Boyfriend.” Izzie has a lot to prove – just like Gretchen. Luckily for us – Izzie’s journey doesn’t wind up with IZZIE being committed…

And George & Callie. Poor poor Callie – I’m on her side, folks. The girl’s so damn in love with George. And he’s blown her off over and over and now that she’s finally really truly broken things off with him– NOW George decides he’s the Pig? Is he kidding? Could his timing be any worse?

There’s a reason so many people (including our characters) have a fear of commitment. It’s a tricky thing. It usually comes at a cost – and sometimes that cost can be very high.

Or in the case of this particular blog, far too wordy. So this me, signing off for the night, hoping you enjoyed tonight’s episode– and, btw – don’t look for Debbie’s Blog right now – I’m sure I won’t be posting it until tomorrow… After all, even Ham has to sleep some time!

From Stacy McKee, writer of "What Have I Done To Deserve This?"

Original Airdate: 2-26-06

Ok, yeah. I’ll admit it. I’m with you.

I’M STILL FREAKING OUT THAT  I JUST WATCHED GEORGE AND MEREDITH HAVING SEX!!   

My blog was hard to tackle this week. Not just because you guys gave Krista such a hard time last week... And not just because I thought, instead, it might be easier to… you know. Shut the door to my office, crawl under my desk and – well – maybe HIDE. But mostly because—

HOLY CRAP I’M REALLY FREAKING OUT THAT GEORGE AND MEREDITH JUST HAD SEX.

I mean it. I am freaking out. I’ve been freaking out for months. I’ve been freaking out and I haven’t been able to talk about it with ANYONE except all of the other writers on the show, who – Guess what?  Are also freaking out.

I freaked out when Shonda told us all (in the writers’ room) not to worry about the “George & Meredith Sex”– because, although it would be, perhaps, one of the most painful things we’ve put our characters through so far…in the end, she insisted, “it would be GREAT.”

Shonda always says that.  I usually love it when Shonda says that, because – let’s face it. She’s pretty much always right. Until I realized she was saying it -- about this episode – my episode. The previous episode was going to have ONE SCENE with the sex. But this would be… an entire episode devoted to it… The episode in which we deal with, talk about, actually SEE, and inevitably freak out about the fact that –

HOLY CRAP WE JUST WATCHED GEORGE AND MEREDITH HAVING SEX.

Yeah. I’ve been hiding under my desk a lot lately.

But if this show has taught me anything – it’s to trust Shonda’s vision. And to work my very hardest to do it justice.  Yes, the sex was painful. Yes, the sex was upsetting. Clearly, we’re going to have to talk about the sex… but let’s save that for last.

This is an episode about karma.

It was an amazing (and challenging) episode because – in so many ways – it ties up all sorts of threads that have been put into place since the very beginning of the series… Karma catches up to all of these characters and – throws them into a tailspin.

So we have George, who is having – without question – the most terrible horrible no good very bad day in the world. He finally gets busy with the woman of his dreams – only to have it back fire on him in the most horrible way – he’s humiliated – he gets hurt – he finds himself homeless by the end of the episode… how much worse can it get?

And yet – think about it. All of these things coming together all at once? They’re leading him toward an amazing – and long overdue – upswing. Suddenly, he’s not just “Poor George” anymore – he’s George with a backbone. He’s George who has FINALLY gone after what he wants (Meredith) – and taken a stand for what he is or isn’t willing to accept. Old George would be irrevocably devastated by all of this – but New George? He’s not devastated, exactly-- he’s just DONE. He’s had enough. He’s moving out – moving on. It’s a new beginning for him. One that will change him forever. One we’ve all been waiting to see… That’s how karma works. Trust in the karma. (I mean, if none of this had happened, George wouldn’t have encountered the uber saucy bone-crunching orthopedic surgeon Dr. Callie Torres! Hello? Good karma, anyone?)

But everyone – not just George - is dealing with karma this week.  Look at Alex… Alex treated Izzie like crap (remember when he plastered her centerfold all over the locker room? When he cheated on her with Olivia?) – and now he gets to watch her dote on the undeniably handsome – and totally charming - Denny Duquette.  Just as Alex is starting to really realize his own feelings for Izzie, in comes Denny. Karma at its best.

Cristina – who prides herself on few things MORE than the fact that she’s not a nice person - suddenly finds herself filling the shoes usually filled by Izzie (or Meredith). Cristina spends her day with “custody” of George – basically, her worst nightmare… She has no tolerance for George’s pouting. She doesn’t WANT to listen to him talk about his problems, and yet… what’s great about it – is that Cristina still winds up giving George the best possible advice. The advice he really takes to heart: to stop taking crap and demand something more. Which he does. And which ultimately brings him right back to Cristina... Home to sleep on her couch, saddling her (semi-permanently) with custody of George all over again. What comes around, goes around. Karma.

And Meredith – She’s managed to turn all of her friends against her – at a moment when she (clearly) needs them most… (hello - she just spoke to her father for the first time in 20 years – after finding out that he left because her mother was unfaithful…) Yet – it opens up the door to a friendship she hadn’t believed truly possible – If her other friends weren’t dropping like flies, do you think Meredith would be as willing to give a friendship with McDreamy a real chance?  It’s not like McDreamy and Meredith were “friends first.” No! She picked him up in a bar – she didn’t even know his name… so – them being “just friends??” This is uncharted territory, people. Interesting karma, right? Lose one friend, gain another?

Then, of course, we can’t forget Addison – she slept with her husband’s best friend – the friend who just came to town last episode – so what’s her karma? Poison oak on the vah-jay-jay, of course! The part of this story I love, though (almost as much as Bailey tending to Addison in stirrups for an entire episode) is that – what is so truly painful and horrifying – the poison oak -- actually winds up bringing Derek and Addison closer together. At the end, they share this wonderful moment of laughter – they’ve let down their guard with each other – and, for the first time (pretty much ever) we see them genuinely enjoying a moment with each other. Strange as it seems, the poison oak is almost as good as it is bad karma…

And that brings us right back to – HOLY CRAP WE’RE FREAKING OUT THAT GEORGE AND MEREDITH JUST HAD SEX!!!

Ok, yes. It’s just so WRONG. On so many levels – they were friends. Now they’ll never be able to go back. It’s like messing with a really good thing in a way it just DIDN’T need to be messed with. It feels wrong. It feels awful. It feels… icky.

DUH. That’s the point. OF COURSE it’s icky. Of course it’s awful. You’re feeling exactly the way you’re supposed to be feeling. You’re feeling exactly the way these characters are feeling. You’re feeling kinda like, the only thing left to do is… crawl under your desk and pretend it never happened.

Only it did. Because – really – it had to.

The sex HAD to happen. It was always going to happen. Hello. Shonda set this moment up in the PILOT. George remembered the kind of strappy sandals Meredith was wearing at the pre-internship mixer!!!  Did you really really think this moment – this FREAKY GEORGE AND MEREDITH SEX – was never gonna happen???

Of course it was.  Really, it’s just been a question of when. Which, as it turns out, was – now. In this episode. It’s happened. It happened. IT HAPPENS, y’all. People have sex with inappropriate people. People hurt their friends. People make decisions they regret the morning after. People do terrible things. Because in the end, we’re all just people. Flawed, confused, irrational, hopeful, looking-for-happiness-and-hoping-we’ll-find-it people trying to figure out our lives one day at a time.  As characters, Meredith and George are no different.

There’s no turning back. There’s nothing George and Meredith can do. The damage is done – things will never be the same. They’ve just changed something important in their lives FOREVER and…  they are freaking out.

The important thing to remember, though – is that while Meredith wishes things could go back to the way they were before the sex… (the way, I think, most of us have felt – or would feel - in similar situations…) George does not. And that’s huge.  Because… before the sex – George was in limbo. But after the sex? As painful as the outcome was – he’s suddenly not. George knows exactly where he stands. There’s finally some closure. And that’s a good thing. It’s what will fuel him through the rest of the season…

Which is also why it was so important to break from tradition, and let George do the voice over for this episode. We needed to be inside HIS head. Hearing HIM tell us about karma.  We needed to hear George explain how karma isn’t unfair – it isn’t unexpected – it just evens the score. Hearing George say that is what assures us that – even after all of this, he’s going to be just fine.

And so are we.

That’s the beauty of karma – and the agony. Watching a karmic tailspin begin is – enough to make you hide under your office furniture. But anticipating the inevitable payoff? Well… It’s what convinces you, finally, to stop freaking out, crawl out from underneath your desk, and to write your writer’s blog.

Even if you really are… TOTALLY  STILL FREAKING OUT THAT GEORGE AND MEREDITH JUST HAD SEX!

From Stacy McKee, writer of "Something To Talk About"

Episode Airdate: 11/6/05

Ladies and Gentlemen - boys and girls! Step right up for one hell of a challenge -- Create a script to follow four unbelievably sweepsy episodes and a show featuring the most heartbreaking, terrible, horrible, no-good, very bad trainwreck ever... Now - GO!

Ok - so maybe crafting this episode wasn't exactly like a crazy carnival ride… but at times, it was close. Not just because it's the first episode yet where Meredith and Derek never once have a real conversation together (and, let's face it, some of us wait anxiously every week for those quintessential McDreamy moments)… but also because - Hello. It's the episode after a trainwreck!!! How on earth do you follow something like that??

The answer is - you don't. At least, not with more of the same. If the train wreck episode made everyone cry (and you know it did -- that sloppy, sniffly, messy but you don't care because you're at home and no one can see you kind of cry)… then as far as I was concerned, my episode should make everyone laugh - hopefully, just as hard.

Enter: the Medical Fascinoma.

In the medical community, a "fascinoma" is an anomaly. A medical mystery. Something so rare or unusual that not only is it uncommon, but it's completely intriguing to the doctors around it. So if one were to show up at Seattle Grace, it would - quite literally - be "Something To Talk About." The perfect medical case to compliment Meredith's obvious character arc in this episode -- she's become a fascinoma herself. She's like a carnival freak show. The entire hospital is talking about her. Perfect.

Only, finding the perfect fascinoma was, as it turns out, easier said than done. I think we went through a good dozen different possible fascinoma cases in the writers' room - and by my final draft of the script, the fascinoma case had changed at least four more times… The more we brainstormed, the more obvious one thing became: What is fascinating to the medical community… is not so fascinating on TV.

For example, picture an episode about… outrageously high liver-function-test numbers. OR, an inappropriately transferred critical patient. OR a particularly slow night at the hospital during which the attending on-call… did NOT take a nap.

Yeah. Not so exciting. And definitely not all that funny.

In the end, the idea for a "pregnant man" came from one of us cracking a joke. "Too bad we can't just do something medically IMPOSSIBLE. Like make some dude pregnant. Now that would be a fascinoma." We all laughed. Things quieted down. There was a moment of silence, and then - it seemed obvious. Why not try?

So, after multiple drafts, obscene amounts of caffeine, and a great deal of sleep deprivation (yes - my script about a freak-show had pretty much turned me into one…) the episode was ready…

I coupled the pregnant man with a heart on fire and one very STEAMY kiss… to (hopefully) create an episode that people will definitely talk about.

From Stacy McKee, writer of "Raindrops..."

Originally posted on 9/25/05

I have never been as ridiculously nervous as the moment I handed in my first official draft of "Raindrops Keep Falling On My Head."

We're talking sweaty palms, heart palpitations - I was downright petrified. Partly because that's a little of what every writer goes through when they offer up their work for public consumption (and - let's face it - possible ridicule) - but mostly because I was the youngest, least experienced writer on staff at Grey's Anatomy - and this was my very first professional script EVER.

Yeah. I'd group it right up there with that time in third grade when - convinced the math test I was about to take might very well ruin my life - I managed to vomit all over my teacher, my test, AND the cute boy with dimples sitting at the desk right in front of me… (Andrew Montgomery, if you're reading this, I sincerely apologize.)

But (luckily) "Raindrops" didn't face same reception I endured in third grade (meaning - despite my insecurities, there was little reason for me to retreat into my office and hide under my desk) and - in the end, it was pretty incredible watching my episode come to life… both in front of the camera - AND behind the scenes.

I was struck by how even the tiniest detail on the page can have a tremendous ripple effect for the production team… For instance: Peanut shells.

I had written into my description of Joe's Bar in "Raindrops" that peanut shells "littered the floor." Now, except for a brief moment when Joe collapses, we never actually see the bar's floor. The description was, for me as a writer, there to evoke an ambiance - to give an idea of the TYPE of bar Joe would run… But I quickly learned that if it was on the page, it would be on the set.

I'll never forget sitting in our production meeting and discussing how - since the bar's floor was actually carpeted and not exactly visible - maybe I could lose the peanut shells on the floor? No problem, I said - not a big deal. So now, if you read the first line of the script, it describes: "Lighting is dim, bowls of peanuts clutter the counter, dart boards & beer signs line the walls…"

But if you look carefully, the peanut shells did make it onto the counter top.

There I was. Suddenly sitting on set - listening to Patrick Dempsey say lines I had written… in the middle of the night, cameras everywhere, with rain pouring down - not from the sky, but from the rain machine rigged up just for this scene - this scene that I had written. Me - the new kid with butterflies in her tummy and (still) a violent aversion to math tests…