Grey's Anatomy: Grey Matter

Joan Rater on "Suicide is Painless"...

Original Airdate: 03-25-10

I spent my twenties planning my death.  It was either that or get a job.  

It wasn’t ever sudden death.  It always started with the phone call from the doctor telling me the blood work from my routine check up showed some horrible, rare disease.   Then I’d imagine my long valiant struggle with the disease, followed by my moving, heroic death.  As friends and family gathered around my deathbed, I’d urge them to laugh, love, live.  Don’t dwell on how sad you’ll be when I’m gone.  Okay, if you must, dwell a little. 

Eventually I got a job.  Got married, had kids, got another job and another, took up jogging, perfected my apple pies, knit stuff, discovered the joy of online shopping – in other words, my life filled up.  And as my life filled, my death fantasies stopped.  Thoughts of death remained, but they were more along the lines of, what’s this bump?  Please don’t let it be cancer.  Once you’ve made a life for yourself that you like, you don’t want to die. 

Until you do.  

In tonight’s episode, Tony and I wrote about two people who want to die.  And their paths to death are totally unlike my death fantasies – these aren’t the depressed musings of a lazy twenty year old, their wish to die is born out of reality.  Living has become too painful.   

The idea for the episode came from Shonda saying to me and Tony, “Let’s do an episode about Owen’s experience in Iraq.”  She felt that at this point in the season, it was time to delve a little deeper into Owen’s past, not only to explore the origins of his PTSD a little bit more, but also to give us a chance to see Teddy and Owen as friends. 

We wanted to show Owen, pre – bad stuff happening to him.  So the initial scene where Owen and Teddy are playing soccer in between casualties was very important to us.  They acted it beautifully, Teddy jumping on his back, them teasing one another …. They look happy.   Carefree.  And then the sound of the helicopter overhead signaling that Bad Things have happened.  Time to go to work.  Owen pauses, taking an extra second before picking up his battle gear. It’s as though he knows intuitively that everything’s about to change.  

This day, the day Dan died, they way Dan died – is something that Owen tries not to think about.  But when he wakes up in the middle of the night and it’s quiet and there’s not surgery or people to distract him and the thoughts start, Owen has to get up, put on the TV, do push ups, to get his mind off that night.  

He couldn’t save Dan.  It finally came down to that.  He couldn’t save his friend and so he had to let him die. He had to watch him die.   And in the end he had to help him die.  Owen carries that knowledge around with him.  Fate put him in an unwinnable situation, and he’s paid for it every day since it happened.  And so when Teddy asks him to help her with a patient who has requested Physician Assisted Suicide, Owen is triggered.  He spends the episode trying to save Teddy and that couple from a similar fate. 

But finally, in the end, Owen is able to offer some comfort to Sean, Kim’s husband.  He’s able to tell Sean that there will be a moment where he’ll know he did the right thing and he needs to hold onto that moment.  That is Owen’s struggle.  To hold onto the belief that he made the right choice out there in the desert. 

By the way, we shot that stuff a few hours away from Los Angeles in the desert.  And we had 3 days to do all that Iraq stuff and we needed all of the three days.  And we needed it not to rain.  The forecast called for rain on the last day of shooting and the rain held off until the last scene on the last day and then it just started POURING.  It’s the scene where Dan is laying there dying and it’s raining!!  The crew put up and tent over Dan and Owen and we finished but the footage had rain in the background, you could barely hear the actor’s lines because of the rain.  Luckily we were able to fix it all in post.  

Physician Assisted Suicide is a relatively new phenomenon in the US.  In fact, the law was passed in the State of Washington just last year.  The government makes patients who are interested in ending their lives jump through a lot of hoops.  In researching all the legalities, what got to me were the real patient stories.  What was surprising was how nothing really changed in the face of what can only be described as the biggest decision of anyone’s life – kids still needed lunches for school, dentist appointments still needed to be made, and couples still fought over the most mundane things.  Sara Gilbert and Derek Cecil really did a great job in making that couple come alive on screen and making us feel the multitude of emotions they were going through, like when Kim tells Cristina that nothing ever changes, you have the same fight, even when you’re dying you have the same fights …

Speaking of fights (nice segue, don’t you think?) Meredith and Derek are just now realizing that their lives have irrevocably changed since Derek became Chief.  And faced with the mounting frustrations of his new job, Derek is not his best self.  No, let’s be honest – Derek is kind of a jerk in this episode.  He steals a patient from his wife.  A patient she diagnosed.  A patient she was going to get to do a cool procedure on.  And he did it behind her back.  But here’s what I love – you don’t hate him for it.  Because even jealous and petty, Patrick is so damn charming … oh, and don’t you love how April is all smitten with Derek?  Also we feel like Jackson is really becoming friends with Meredith, so we wanted to give them that Who Down in Whoville speech, he was great too, don’t you think?  Jesse Williams is the actor playing Jackson and he’s not only gorgeous, he’s a really nice guy.

And the Chief is struggling to find his new identity in the hospital.  He’s no longer the Chief, but he’s also not just one of the boys.  And that’s a pretty lonely place to be.  Which prompts him to engage in what can only be described as one of the most uncomfortable attempts at locker room humor in Seattle Grace history.  Like it or not, he’s always gonna be THE CHIEF.  You can take away the title and the office, but that doesn’t change the fact that you can’t say things like “If I wasn’t married I’d hit her, I’d hit her hard.” We were really punchy in the writer’s room when we came up with that line.  We couldn’t stop laughing.  And it was one of those things that you say to yourself; this is either really funny or really stupid.  But I love how Jim Pickens plays it.  And I LOVE when Alex says,  “Um.  Chief.  I think you meant hit that.”

Callie wants a baby.  She wants a baby.  Nothing wrong with that.  Except that as much as she wants one, Arizona doesn’t.  So what do you do?

I have a baby.  Two actually.  One’s thirteen. And the other is seven.  And I HAD to have them.  No one could have stopped me.  I have a friend who has been saying since grade school, I’m never having a baby.  Since grade school.  And she never did have one.  She’s awesome with kids, by the way.  My kids love her.  But as much as I wanted kids, she didn’t.  So what do you do??!!  It’s an awesome conflict, I think, that just landed in the middle of their relationship before they were ready to deal with it.  You’ll see how that plays out in the last few episodes of the season. 

The last few episodes of the season.  Did I just write those words?  It’s weird.  I’d say we’re winding down around here, but we’re really not because we have such a FINALE in store for you, we’re all a little tingly and jumpy.  I hate knowing things and not being able to tell them.  Hate it.  But I can’t tell cause that would ruin it.  

So now I’m gonna go home to my kids, maybe have a glass of wine, play with the dog, scrounge around for some dinner, watch my episode on TV tonight (I’ve already seen it about ten times, but it’s so much more fun to watch it in real time), eat ice cream, do some online shopping.  You know, live.  

Debora Cahn on "Push"...

Original Airdate: 3-11-10

Dating.  Dating is a lot of things.  Fun.  Exhilarating.  Exciting.  Breathtaking.  

No.  

Occasionally, maybe.  But usually it’s miserable.  It’s a freakshow.  A slog.  Punishment for killing children in a past life, perhaps.  It sucks.  Your heart, your hopes, your dreams, all projected onto some hapless wretch on the other side of the table, who’s using the drink menu to pick his teeth.  I remember thinking maybe I could type up a little cheat sheet, with answers to the questions I’d already answered 800 times… “One brother, one sister.”  “Connecticut.”  “Scorpio.”  But no.  You can’t short circuit the process.  You just gotta go through it.

Dating is best left to the young.  The young and the optimistic, who can ride their optimism through the countless dinners at Italian restaurants required to zero in on a life partner.  Unfortunately, the young ain’t the ones doing it anymore.  Grown men and women, people who waved goodbye to their twenties long ago, are dating.  They’re divorced.  Or they wanted to focus on their careers before they worried about marriage and family.  They’re grown ups, and they’re sitting in Italian restaurants across the land, talking about their childhoods, and their rock climbing, and how they wish they had more time to cook.  

Mark Sloan.  Miranda Bailey.  These are not people who ever thought they’d have to have the conversation over pasta.  Bailey married young.  Dating for her was milkshakes in high school.  Movies.  Bowling.  And Mark… well, we know what it was for Mark.  It was a lot of women, over a lot of years, and it was, shall we say, aerobic.  So all this crap about getting to know each other, and figuring out how to get close to a perfect stranger is baffling.  Bailey’s forgotten all the rules.  Mark never knew them in the first place.  It’s a nightmare.  

Now, if you have to date, you should date Jason George.  He’s the amazing and terribly hot actor who plays Ben, and the fact is, while I have great sympathy for grown women who have to start dating after years of marriage, it’s not easy to muster up all that much sympathy for Bailey when she’s dating freaking Jason George.  But I try.  And Mark, well, him I really do feel sorry for, because this isn’t his thing.  He’s a ragingly confident man.  But he’s never had to play this game.  He’s never trolled for a wife before, he’s trolled for… you know… but not for the mother of his children.  And yet he goes for it.  He tries.  He’s so earnest.  And so nervous.  And nobody believes him.  Teddy can’t imagine that he’s someone you take seriously.  So nothing makes me happier than seeing him, at the end of the episode, just melt her with talk of an aggressively unromantic lunch date.  He grows.  He wins.  And he deserves to.  Bailey?  She wins too.  Jason George is cooking her dinner.  And kissing her.  That’s the definition of a win win situation.  I guess that’s the moral of the story.  Dating sucks, but if you can survive it, sometimes nice things happen after.  

Did you notice in the credits that Chandra Wilson directed this episode?  Miranda Bailey on-screen, and the director off-screen.  She’s a freaking rock star.  Literally, because she sings like god’s trying to prove something.  But also because she acts and directs all at the same time – the woman directed her own on-screen kiss.  She’s incredible.  There’s nothing, NOTHING, she can’t do.  It’s intimidating, is the fact of the matter.

I want to talk about Callie for a minute, and how lovely it is that she’s suddenly the one who has her act together.  She’s the grown up.  She’s not the freak, sleeping in the basement and getting her heart slammed.  She’s the authority.  Mark wants her help.  Bailey wants her advice.  And she’s good at it.  It’s lovely.  For the three seconds before Arizona tells her that they don’t have the same vision of the future.  But until then… it’s so nice.  I’m so happy for her.  She’s suddenly at peace in her own skin.

Now Richard… less so.  It’s going to take some time, for Richard, and for Derek, to find peace in their new roles.  Derek’s such a good guy, such a stand-up guy, but why on earth did he think it was a good idea to oust the Chief, take over his job, and then hire him to work as an underling?  You can take the Chief out of the office, but you can’t take the… you know.  The Chief’s still the Chief.  He’s not gonna unlearn everything he knew.  And Derek… he’s just learning the ropes.  He kind of sucks at it.  Anyone would, in the first year.  Or first five.  It’s gonna be a long road.  

That’s the problem.  Surgeons are achievers.  Over-achievers.  And they’re used to being successful.  But you can’t win at every game, no matter who you are.  Seeing them wander outside their comfort zones… it’s so very painful.  But the beauty is, they try.  They push.  They attack.  Comfortable or not.  Confident or not.  They push.  And slowly… slowly… they grow.  

Pete Nowalk on "Perfect Little Accident"...

Original Airdate: 3-4-10

I got in a car accident while we were filming this episode. Don’t worry, it was just a fender bender, no one was hurt. And even though it wasn't my fault there’s some part of me that blames myself. I chose to write an episode about accidents. One of which happened to be a car accident. It's the kind of logic that makes me wish I wrote about love or money or cupcakes that burn fat and build muscle. That said, this episode was actually about HAPPY accidents, so I have a little confession to make. In those first few moments after the crash, when I was sitting there, dazed, wondering what the hell just happened, a very small part of me was hopeful that the guy in the other car was actually the love of my life and this was one of those stories you submit to the NY Times marriage column after your fabulous barefoot wedding in the Maldives. Sadly, that fantasy died the minute I realized the guy who just hit me was actually drunk at 10:15 on a Friday morning. Not husband material. But there was still hope! The witness. A very polite, well-groomed gent who pulled over to check if I was okay. This is it, I thought. It’s just like people always say. You can't go looking for love, it happens when you least expect it. Sure, this was advice I’d normally hate to hear (especially when it comes from happily coupled up friends), but in this moment there was no denying they were right. My witness and I were going to have so much fun in the Maldives! The witness, though very nice, was not into me. Or so I gathered when he took off two seconds after I shouted “I’m fine!” across the street. By the time the hairy tow truck driver with the tribal tattoo and chewing tobacco breath arrived I realized I had to give up. This car accident was just an accident, nothing happy about it. And trying to turn it into a manhunt was clearly a sign that I needed to get out more. I’m kinda like Teddy that way… (Yes, I just did a lazy segue. Get ready for more). So. Teddy. Poor girl came to Seattle for one reason. Owen. Even if she didn't admit this to herself. But then she got here and reality set in. Owen didn't invite Teddy here because he loved her. He brought her here because he loved Cristina. That's gotta suck. I'd probably be on the first plane back to Iraq. But not Teddy. She stuck to her word and stayed through her contract, even if that happened to be torture. And slowly, with time and hard work, she's seeing that there's more to Seattle than just Owen. There's a great job. Good people (like new BFF Arizona). And there's this amazing student – Cristina. What I love about these two is that they're like an old couple. They fight, make up, fight, make up...and it makes them both better doctors. Cristina's a maniac when it comes to surgery, stealing lungs and taking crazy risks in order to do something that will go down in the record books. Teddy's brilliant, but more careful and experienced. Together they're a force to be reckoned with. In this way, coming to Seattle for Owen and getting Cristina instead is Teddy's happy accident. What was Cristina's happy accident in this episode? Well it could've been getting to operate on Harper Avery's bowel obstruction but homegirl screwed that up the minute she treated him like a batty old man in the ER. Like all of you, Cristina didn't know that Jackson's grandfather was Harper Avery (a family tree dreamed up by Shonda way back when we were planning out our new Mercy West characters). Jackson wanted to keep this little tidbit a secret. He's like Meredith that way. Both of them were born into surgical legacies, a twist of fate that makes them both very lucky. But with that luck also came some crappy parenting. Ellis was a bulldog of a mother and Harper Avery seems to be the same kind of grandfather. You don't become one of the world's most successful surgeons by being nice. You claw your way to the top, working nonstop and neglecting your personal life to get there (as we saw Ellis do in the last episode). I imagine it'd be pretty hard to turn this killer instinct off when you step into your house each night. There might be some residual meanness left over for your family. If you're Mer or Jackson you can deal with this in one of two ways – become resentful and angry, or be all half glass full and grateful even though you'd rather just whine. I love Meredith for knocking some sense into Jackson at the end of this episode. Harper Avery's old and set in his ways. Dude's not gonna change so why not just give in and take him for who he is – an arrogant jerk who can teach you MANY MANY things. Sadly, I'm not sure Meredith would've been able to say this to Jackson if her mother were still alive. Dead parents put crappy parents in perspective. Whine all you want, but you're gonna feel pretty dumb the minute they're not there to kick around. Let’s move on to Mark, who is nothing but a hot mess these days. He’s sleeping around, yelling at Alex, taunting Derek... He’s old Mark basically, which is understandable considering he just had his heart broken. Twice. Lexie dumped him and Little Sloan took off for God knows where. If the guy didn't have abandonment issues before, he's definitely got them now. Still, as much as he's trying to find pleasure in his old, bad habits, Mark's a changed man. He's no longer satisfied by rolls in the hay with strangers. Heartbreak was good for him. Don't believe that? Watch what happens with Mark in the next few episodes. What other happy accidents did we see in this episode? Well there's Richard, who's slowly beginning to realize that getting ousted as the Chief can maybe be a great thing for him. As Harper Avery reminds him, he's more than just a great Chief. He's an innovative surgeon who does groundbreaking research – research he'll now have more time to work on now that he's not bogged down in board meetings and contract negotiations. Lemons into lemonade, people. You know, just like hearts in vaginas… Okay, worst segue yet, but I need to move on to Lexie. A girl whose heart lives in her vagina. Krista Vernoff gets credit for this line (as well as Cristina's follow up, "My heart lives in my scalpel.") It came from the idea of whether it's possible to have sex without feelings. We'd all like to believe this is possible, and for some people, it definitely is. But not Lexie. Girl's as touchy feely as you get. The anti-Meredith really. Which is why I love her. Because even though Lexie's going through this episode acting all blonde and badass and feeling-less, there's no doubt she's a feelings-kind-of-girl. Look at her face in the scene when Alex says, "I'm all about not feeling." She knows he's talking about Izzie – about all the crap he's been through in the past few months, years, life... And she feels terrible for him. Same goes when she sees Mark's face after catching her with Alex outside the on call room. As much as she can pretend to fight it, Lexie is nothing but one big ball of mushy feelings. In fact, I’m guessing that’s why she didn’t make it to Girls Night. She needed to go home and have more feelings. I love me some Girls Night. In fact, Girls Night pretty much sums up my adolescence. And college years. And...well my entire life really. So you can imagine my excitement when Shonda pitched a Girls Night baseball scene as the way to end this episode. A location shoot! At night! With the ladies!! I was psyched. But then came the rain. "It never rains in LA." That's the lie people tell you when you move here. Just like the traffic's not that bad. Bull. Cause it does rain and there is A LOT of traffic. What really sucks, though, is when it rains and you're scheduled to shoot at a baseball field. Cause that means our amazing Exec Producer Rob Corn comes to you on set and very gingerly asks if there might be an alternative setting for your Girls Night scene. One that can take place inside, for instance. Everyone on the crew had ideas. Bowling, mani pedis, pool, game night, pottery night, cooking class, sex class...and pretty much every other activity any normal group of ladies would do for a night on the town. Our ladies aren't normal though, which is why it really had to be baseball. One, because this was a callback to episode 603, when Owen, Derek, and Mark took the girls there to get their mind off the merger. Two, because I don't believe Cristina and Meredith would ever agree to do anything the rest of the world would do. Spa day? Clubbing? They'd rather be operating. Fortunately, the rain soon ended and thanks to a very accommodating, adventurous crew we made it to the muddy baseball field a few days later. We got to see Bailey swing a bat, Arizona complain, and Teddy knock the hell out of the ball…without any accidents happening. I, for one, was happy with how it all turned out. You?

Zoanne Clack on "The Time Warp"...

Original Airdate: 2-18-10

Lectures. Shonda told me at the beginning of the season that she wanted an episode on lectures, and I was the one to do it. Since my life was spent in lectures. The first two years of med school I practically lived in a lecture hall. Or the library. (Or at least that’s the story I like to tell, really I spent a lot of that time reading scribed notes from the lecture hall ‘cause I just couldn’t take all those lectures!) But even so, I felt well equipped for the job. But considering I had a problem making lectures interesting in my own life, how the heck would I make them interesting for millions of people? This was my dilemma. Then came a big break. RICHARD!!! I admit, I have a bit of an obsession with Richard… an addiction, if you will. He’s always suave, always collected, and always, coool. Even when he’s drunk in a bar doing the electric slide, he’s cooool. And SO MANY people have asked me what is to become of him now that he’s drinking again. I only hope this episode serves to address at least some of your many concerns. In the writers’ room in previous seasons we had talked about someone giving a “last lecture,” a la Randy Pausch’s last lecture. The thing I loved about Randy’s last lecture (you can look it up on youtube, he was a Carnegie Mellon professor who was dying of cancer) was not the fact that he talked about how to achieve your childhood dreams. That was great, but the thing that resonated most with me was the fact that at the end of it, he revealed that the lecture was not for the students, not for faculty… but for his kids, his family. It was for his legacy. I figured Richard should have that same opportunity: a chance to make his legacy great, to reignite his fervor for medicine. Two episodes ago, he was disillusioned, sad… ready to chuck it all. If he was going to give a last lecture, it was important that he give it on a topic that was heartfelt – something that was not just about teaching the residents, it had to be something that was all about “getting his groove back” (and not in Stella’s kind of way). Here at Grey’s Anatomy, we had our own lecture series at the beginning of season six (which other writers have talked about in past blogs) to give creative presentations of season six ideas. Krista Vernoff’s presentation concluded with a motivational speech that called for us to stand and repeat her call to glory over a rousing rendition of “Gonna Fly now,” the theme from the movie “Rocky” (which apparently came on completely by accident because it happened to be the next song on her ipod). We left re-energized, ready for our upcoming season of work. I wanted our residents to have that feeling coming out of Richard’s speech, which immediately led me to the Hippocratic Oath which all new doctors say upon graduation from med school. But when I was looking for it on the internet, I realized it’s actually a bunch of latin words and weird oaths swearing to healing gods and stuff. Not at all what I remember saying at my own med school graduation. Even the modern version seemed dry and out of touch. I had to keep looking for something that resembled what (I think) I said, and finally found “the Physician’s Oath,” which was adopted by the World Medical Association in 1948. THAT sounded right. And THAT is what Richard says. But what case would he talk about? We’d always talked about doing a flashback episode, and from day one, season 1, Shonda had always emphasized that Richard and Ellis got together at least partially because of the fact that they were the only Black and the only Woman surgical resident in their class. Being the outcasts, they were naturally drawn to each other (and passion did the rest). They were residents in the early 80’s and of course the BIG thing about the early 80’s was that weird new disease they eventually called AIDS - I think one of the most chilling lines in the episode is when Young Richard says, “They could find a cure for this tomorrow, or next week,” because you know he probably really believed it… and here we sit 18 years later with no cure… (but at least it’s manageable now). What better case to highlight Richard and Ellis and their irresistible draw to each other. There was nothing that could keep them apart, and a patient like this, an outcast himself, could only pull them even closer together. And, as one of the crew members put it, what a cool way to tackle racism, sexism, and homophobia in one fell swoop! Side-note: It was so fun to recreate 1982!!! The crew worked SO HARD to make this happen and did an AMAZING job. We COMPLETELY RE-DID our whole set. Walking onto the stage was like walking into our very own time warp. Everybody’s clothes were different (though a lot of those styles are coming back!), hair (hopefully not coming back), decorations, charts, tv’s computers... and can you believe smoking in the hospital (not even in just designated areas) WAS STILL ALLOWED???!!! How great was it to see the Young Richard/Young Ellis dynamic? Ellis was a force to contend with. Shall we say she was … a “maneater?” (If you don’t get this reference you either didn’t listen closely during the episode or you were born much too far into or after the 80’s.) There were basically two categories that were prevalent among female surgical residents in those days: feminine, or macho. I’ll give you one guess as to which one Ellis was. She was a surgeon first and only incidentally female. She put her defenses up immediately against any challenge to the way she thought the world should be, and lashed out whenever her plan was interrupted. Is it any wonder that Meredith ended up so dark and twisty? But through it all, I feel like her bond with Richard gave her a chance to let her guard down. But it’s not all about 1982. We also get to see Richard as he became Bailey’s mentor, helping to shape little Mandy Bailey into the Miranda Bailey we see today. Remember the episode in season 4 where the bus full of high school students flooded the ER (“Forever Young”) and we saw Bailey crushing on Marcus King? We wanted to answer to question of how Bailey went from “geeky Mandy” to “Bailey the Nazi.” As short-sighted as her nemesis resident Nicole was, I think she taught Bailey a thing or two about how to be tough. And the Richard we saw in 2006 makes Callie shake in her shoes a little bit. Not enough to stop what she’s planning on doing, but enough to maybe think twice about it (although not for too long – she’s bullheaded and headstrong which is why we adore her so). This was the Callie that existed at Seattle Grace as a ghostly figure that didn’t know or interact with our original Fab Five, who were interns at the time. She existed right under our noses as Derek chose Addison, Burke and Cristina were going public, and Alex and Izzie were trying to make things work. But hey, now that we know that Alex had a little “chick on the side,” is it any wonder that he couldn’t really commit? And speaking of Alex, Alex is a man who knows what he wants and somehow figures out a way to get it. He talked and flirted his way onto the coolest of the cool surgeries – a guy with polio. He picked up on the fact that Callie was a little impressed… one might even say, “obsessed,” by the “heart in the elevator guy” (remember when she first met George? That girl had a thing for the “heart in the elevator guy!”). So once Alex weaseled himself onto the case, he could see what a badass she was, and that, I must say, did not fail to turn him on. He had to get on the case because polio is nonexistent these days in all but like 4 countries in the world because of the massive immunization campaign that went on after the vaccine was invented. This would probably be his only chance to be face to face with it. So over a period of months, they were able to untwist Sunder’s legs, straighten them out, lengthen them, and make him actually walk again, like he could when he was a child. And confident Callie was at the helm. Okay, rewind, back up… “confident” Callie? Where was “confident” Callie on that stage? My God, I’ve never seen such a bad case of stagefright in my life. I felt like a little piece of me died up there with her. Didn’t you just want to rush up to her and help? Hold her hand? Push her off the stage? Can you imagine being in that audience? Hello! Breathing salts! I love the dichotomy of how together and badass Callie is but public speaking takes her down. In 2009, public speaking was rated the number one out of American’s top 10 fears. NUMBER ONE. Above heights, enclosed places, planes… way above drowning. Which involves DEATH. Public speaking made Callie it’s bitch… until Alex saved her. Arizona tried to save her, but alas, it was Alex who ended up saving her like she saved him in 2006 when their surgery got harrowing (despite the web of lies he had spun to get himself on the case in the first place). When she started to just have a conversation, mellow out, and talk directly to Alex, she got more comfortable and was able to turn into our 2010 Callie. I think this public speaking fiasco helps to reveal that she has her own doubts and fears, and that even the seemingly insurmountable ones can perhaps be overcome. And so, to all you fans, to all of you loyal followers, I hope you enjoyed the cut away from the traditional Grey’s episode, and that you caught the many references to past seasons that are scattered throughout like fairy dust. And to those of you who did not appreciate this foray in to the lives of the adults (vs. the kids – the residents), we’ll be back to normal with the next new episode. Until then… …Let’s do the Time Warp again! (Rocky Horror fans out there? Anyone? Anyone?)

William Harper on "St. Valentine's Day Massacre"...

Original Airdate: 2-11-10

Valentine’s Day! A time for romance, roses, candy, candlelit dinners, roof collapses and heart-shaped boxes of chocolates stolen from comatose patients.  

I know.  The romance can get a little dark and twisty around Seattle Grace.  It’s never going to be candlelight and roses.  Derek can’t get three blocks on a date with his wife without being paged back for a mass casualty.   But honestly, that was the fun of writing this episode; finding all the ways of illuminating romance.  

There’s the tale of unrequited love between Emile and Mrs. Banks, for one.  And Meredith and Alex get sucked in like it’s a chick flick.  Will he?  Won’t he?  Will she?  I think the romance is not just in Emile’s unrequited pining, but in the warmth and comfort that Mrs. Banks has found in decades of marriage to her husband.  I think everything she says to Meredith is true.  Finding the right person, being with them, knowing them so well – and being known -- is romantic.  That’s what Meredith has signed up for, on that post-it note.  But it’s still a scary proposition.  And with the new pressures Derek is facing as Chief, Meredith’s suddenly faced with the question of how she’s reinvented herself in this marriage.  Will it limit her going after her passion, the thing that makes her HER?  And she’s faced with deciding how much she’ll commit to the role, how she’ll allow herself to be defined by it.  In the end, she learns that a marriage, like life, is a constant reinvention.  You choose, over and over again to adapt to each other and with each other, always being clear on what you will and won’t give up to accommodate the other.   Change, adaptation, is what keeps a marriage stable in an unstable world.  

What I love about this story is that, even separately, Derek and Meredith are going through the same struggle.   Being Chief apparently means denying himself his passion – surgery -- as he’s kept from the O.R. all night for a series of more mundane administrative tasks.  I think Derek’s scene in the scrub room with April may be my favorite example of reinvention in the episode, because, to me, it’s the point when Derek becomes the Chief he would want to be, bringing all his compassion and experience to lead and teach.  Despite that, this transition to Chief isn’t going to be easy, professionally or personally.  In the end, they’ll face the struggle together.  Move forward, find a new shape.  That in itself is pretty romantic.  

You know what else is romantic?  The First Date. There’s nothing quite like the crazy, flustered anticipation of the First Date, right?  And how awesome is it that it’s Bailey’s?  It’s sort of shocking how coolly and cruelly Bailey shuts Ben down when he asks her out.  And delightful when we realize its because this nice, attractive, eligible man just dismantles poor Miranda Bailey.  And in the true spirit of Valentine’s Day, Arizona decides to play Cupid and get the ball rolling.  And despite Bailey wanting to KILL her, it works, she gets it together to cough out an acceptance to dinner.  It’s about time Bailey gets to cut loose.  As Lexie says, change is a good thing.   And in this episode, everyone is reinventing themselves.  

Two reinventions I particularly like, because they’re so different, are Lexie’s and Mark’s.  Lexie’s is blatant, and sudden and shocking:  NEW HAIR.  I shaved my head once.  I’m not endorsing this.  But I’d always wanted to know what I’d look like with my hair very VERY short, and I wondered aloud about it one night and my wife said “Let’s do it RIGHT NOW!” and in minutes, clippers were buzzing, clumps of hair were flying, and even halfway through cutting it, she and I both could tell...this was a terrible idea.  Turns out, my head has a shape that is flattered by hair.  Without it, I look like an overturned mixing bowl. “It’ll grow back, ” my wife said, supportively.  And it’s true.  It did.  But that’s essentially what Jackson is saying to Lexie:  New hair is a safe change, because it’s just gonna grow back.  Lexie’s not really committed.  She didn’t do something bold and permanent, like a neck tattoo (I’m not endorsing this, either).  She made the safe change. She’s made a change that’s only skin deep, and temporary. And Jackson calls her on it.  (I love that Jackson reveals this by admitting he was treated as the pretty, dumb one.  And had to reinvent himself).  

But for Lexie, the hair color is different.  For one thing, she looks very good as a blonde  (unlike, say, me with a buzz cut).   And for Lexie, it’s an undeniable step forward – a new look can free you up, can release you to act like someone you’re not.  Or, in her case, act like the person you’ve been hiding inside.  Which might be kind of a badass.  I think keeping the new hair is a first step in Lexie’s transformation, and I can’t wait to see where it goes from here. 

The other reinvention – Mark’s – I love because it’s building over time.  It culminates when he steps up to adopt his newborn grandchild.  In an instant. In a blurt.  He’s wanted a child since we met him – Addison’s --  but he’s spent the time since then maturing -- from man-whore to monogamist, to responsible father to Sloan, then committing to adopt and raise a newborn baby -- to the point where we really want one for him:  He’s grown up a lot.   

Teddy (And Owen) are trying to do maybe the most difficult reinvention of all: to go backward.  What I love about her speech to Owen in the scrub room, is that, not only is it an act of forcing him to acknowledge their friendship, but that we learn so much in that speech about the level of camaraderie and intimacy they shared as friends in the Army.  They apparently talked about everything.  That’s a very difficult thing to give up, and she just flat out refuses to do it.  Can they go back to the way things were?  She and Owen both admit it’s hard to do.  Life moves forward, not backward.   

And so do we.  Next week’s episode, in fact, will give you a glimpse of a Seattle Grace you’ve never seen before, and some stories of our doctors that you never knew happened, even if you’ve been watching from the beginning.  It’s an exhilarating, funny and really moving episode.  So see you back here, then. 

Thanks for reading, and thanks for watching!  

Stacy McKee on "State of Love and Trust"...

Original Airdate: 2-4-10

Dear Derek Shepherd, First of all, let me clear something up. I know you are a fictitious character on a television show. I know this because I've been writing for you for six seasons now. That's a long time. That's a lot of episodes. That's more McDreamy monologues than I can count. That said, I just wanted to use my blog this time to say: It's ABOUT the hell time you became Chief. I've been waiting for this moment as long as you have, you know. Six seasons. Richard promised you the chiefship way back in the pilot. It's how he lured you out to Seattle Grace in the first place. And then you found out that he'd also promised the position to Burke. Remember that? You've been waiting for this moment a long long time. As have I. So it was a pleasure to write you this episode. To give you the voice over. To watch you step up to the plate and... Flounder. Because, let’s face it. You were floundering this episode. And I dug it. We saw a new side of you this episode, and it was refreshing. You were not polished. You were not smooth. We all know just how much this moment must have meant to you and yet, you were set back on your heels. You had to use NOTECARDS, dude. When addressing the entire hospital. Note cards? The Chief should NOT be using note cards! And, that tie? Now, ordinarily, when you get the chance to take off your scrubs and get all gussied up, I enjoy the transformation. You usually look very dashing. But somehow, in this episode, seeing you in that button down shirt and tie, topped with a lab coat... You reminded me of you as a geeky teenager. The one you told us about in the Prom episode, the one who had braces and played in the band. No offense, but you looked like a little boy playing dress up. Which, by the way, was the point. Because although you have taken over as Chief, you're not quite up to the task yet. I know you wanted to hit the ground running, but it's pretty clear -- the Chiefship is not going to be easy to take over. Richard Webber has left you a hospital in crisis, and his are big shoes to fill. So I don't care how much you or I have been waiting for this moment... It's clear that it's going to take you more than just one episode to actually shine. Which I love. I love seeing you struggle with the job. I was excited to see you go head to head with Richard in that conference room - to call him out, to actually try and FORCE his hand into signing the rehab forms... Holy crap. And then when you turned around and realized you had an audience, when you had to suddenly put your Chief hat back on and send people back to work -- in that moment, it was like a light bulb went off. You - and we all - got a glimpse into just how difficult balancing the job as Chief actually is – and will continue to be. You weren’t able to waltz in and take over seamlessly. You have your work cut out for you. Awesomeness.

And while we're on the topic, I would like to state for the record that I side with Meredith here a little bit. I think you did oust Richard from his job in a fairly underhanded way. I mean I get it, I understand that you can't have anyone - let alone your Chief of Surgery - potentially endangering patients because they are a drunk, but... still. You forced Meredith's hand. And she's right, you did it partly because you HAVE been waiting for the chance to be Chief for a long long time. So I applaud the maturity she shows you here in this episode. She doesn't approve of what happened or how it went down, but as your wife, she's setting that aside and simultaneously being supportive of you. She's helping you pick the right tie. She's telling you that you will be a good Chief. That's maturity we haven't always seen between the two of you and it makes me happy you've finally reached that point in your relationship.

Not that Mark Sloan or Owen are showing the same level of maturity in their relationships right now. I get that you guys are all testosteroney and don't really want to talk about your feelings -- but maybe you could talk a little sense into your two buddies? Mark is punishing Lexie for sleeping with Alex, when he TOTALLY did the same thing with Addison. More than once. He has no ground to stand on! The man-boy is acting like an immature hypocrite. Unacceptable!! And yet - strangely human. I'm sure that's what you would say -- that Mark may be a hypocrite, but only because, for the first time since - well, almost ever - he's been hurt. By a LADY. He was ready to take the next step in his relationship with Lexie and she turned him down, so now he's lashing out. Which is valid, I suppose, but…

Still. He's acting like a jerk.

And Owen - Now, I'm not going to say I don't appreciate an episode in which Owen slams Cristiana against walls and kisses her over and over (you may recall, I scripted their very first wall-slamming kiss outside Joe's Bar last season) - but I have to say... What the HELL was Owen thinking? Literally asking Cristina to choose him over surgery? When Teddy was paging Cristina with a big, amazing medical crisis?? Cristina is right when she calls Owen out on trying to control her all day with sex. Only, of course, he wasn't doing it consciously. He was just falling back on the thing he knows he can rely on between the two of them – their undeniable chemistry. That's his solution when what they really need to do is actually talk. 

Thank goodness they finally do talk. And - boy - that scene blows me away. Every time I see it.

Meanwhile, when – if ever – have you met someone who wasn’t intimidated by one of Bailey’s arias? I know you have some interest in this since you were trying to help set Bailey up on a date not too long ago – so, did you notice that Ben, the anesthesiologist Bailey was butting heads with today – did you notice that he was absolutely NOT intimidated by her?

I don’t know. They may have gotten off on the wrong foot here, but I think there’s a little chemistry between those two. Someone not afraid to challenge Bailey. I think I like this Ben guy. And when it comes to challenging authority – I think you might want to keep an eye on Alex. Arizona seems to have taken him under her wing and I have to admit, I like the combination of the two of them. Alex is notorious for challenging patients or their loved ones if necessary, so he may have just discovered the perfect forum in which to do so. Pediatrics is a specialty where, as the doctor, it is part of your job to stand up for you patients, to give them a voice. It might very well be the perfect place for Alex Karev. (Which, by the way, is something we’ve been setting up for a while – even back when Addison was wandering the halls. Remember? Even she noticed that Alex had a way with the kiddos…) My point is – there’s a LOT happening right under your nose at the hospital right now. Yesterday, it didn’t really matter to you. You weren’t the Chief. But today… Today it has to matter to you. It matters if you have a resident bullying a child’s parents. It matters if a patient wakes up on the table. If the hospital is getting sued. If your authority is being undermined by your former boss, the one sitting in a public space, refusing to sign your papers all day. All of it matters to you now. Because you are no longer just Derek Shepherd, neuro-god. That was the easy job. That’s the job that earned you the title McDreamy. But the tables have turned. You are about to start a new journey, and I’m not gonna lie. I know what happens in the next episodes. Your job is only going to get harder. And harder. And harder. Which is why I’m writing you this letter. Mostly I just wanted to wish you good luck. You’re gonna need it. Sincerely, Stacy P.S. – Please. Do take Bailey’s advice and… lose the tie.

Joan Rater on "I Like You So Much Better When You're Naked"...

Original Airdate: 1-21-10

It’s raining here in LA!  Raining! For days and days it’s been raining and it hardly ever rains here so we’re all just walking around cold and wet saying “How about this rain” a lot.  What does this have to do with tonight’s episode?  Nothing!  But I can’t talk about anything these days without first talking about the rain.  So … moving on …

Derek is now Chief!  Actually he’s just the interim Chief but the way he went about getting there is what I’d like to start with.  Richard is drinking again.  Richard is a recovering alcoholic who’s been sober a long time and the fact that he’s drinking again … Derek feels torn, between supporting his old friend and wanting to protect the hospital from a man who’s fallen off the wagon. At the beginning of the episode we see that Derek has realized that in order to be a friend to Richard, he has to go to the Board.   Because along with the drinking comes the lies and the poor judgment.  This is about more that just a friend who is struggling with sobriety, it’s about the hospital, people’s lives …  Meredith sees it differently.  She says the Chief was drinking but promised Meredith he would stop.  And she trusts him, he wouldn’t lie to her.  And, more importantly, she didn’t confide to Derek the surgeon about Richard's drinking, she confided to Derek her husband.  There have to be lines drawn, boundaries … and when Meredith screams, “Post it!”  Derek backs down.  The post it wins, so Derek her husband urges her to at least think about what’s best for the hospital.  

What I love about this scene, besides the fact that the actors played it brilliantly, is that it shows how they’ve matured.  This is a real grown-up argument.  Meredith isn’t running away, getting all dark and going to Cristina for help getting out of her marriage.  She’s staying and fighting.  Professional/personal boundaries are tricky to negotiate for couples who work together (I should know since my writing partner is also my husband, hi Tony) and Shonda really wanted to see our couples be couples this year.  Grow, mature, try to be happy.  We really want to show that struggle, that in the midst of the ugly argument, you can still love the person and find them sexy, which is why I loved it that Derek got all turned on by Meredith in the course of the argument.  

Now … the scene where Derek pours Richard a drink.  We talked about that scene a lot.  Derek doesn’t trust Richard and now Richard is going into a very difficult surgery and he’s bringing Meredith with him.  And promising her a procedure that Bailey says she’s not ready to do.  Derek can’t let that happen.  So he goes and confronts Richard.  Tempts him.  He pours the drink and dares Richard not to drink it.  It’s a little bit cruel, but Derek feels that it’s justified, in the scene where he asks Owen what he should do.  Owen gives him the go ahead, if someone’s fighting dirty, it’s okay to fight back dirty as long as you’re doing it for the greater good.  And when Derek leaves Richard’s office it’s like both he and Richard know Richard is powerless over the alcohol.  Derek is saying he sees Richard.  Richard may be able to fool Meredith, but Derek sees him.  And Derek now knows what he has to do.  He has to convince Meredith to go to the Board.  And so he tells her that if he becomes Chief he’ll hire back Izzie.  He makes her choose between Izzie and the Chief.  

And of course he knows that she’ll choose Izzie.  He’s playing a big game of chess and it’s like he just said checkmate.  It’s about doing the right thing.  It’s about ends justifying the means.  But it’s also about ambition.  

The theme of this episode was exposure but when I watched it being shot I realized it was really about ambition. Derek wants to be Chief; Meredith wants to do a procedure that she knows she isn’t ready for; Cristina wants Teddy to stay.  Years ago I was trying to be an actor and I remember one day in acting class we were talking about a character’s motivation and my acting teacher said there are really only two things that motivate people:  sex and ambition.   Every choice can be boiled down to one or the other. I remember being really struck by that and I’ve thought about it over the years, and in a way I believe it. I mean, of course we do things for other reasons -- we do things for our kids because we love them, and if you’re like me you do things out of guilt.  And for donuts.   But when Derek and Meredith lay in bed at the end of the episode and she says she understands why Derek did what he did, she doesn’t like it but she gets it.  She’s ambitious too.  It’s bittersweet and true.  I like that.  It was a crappy day.  She didn’t like what Derek did.  But she’s here, in bed, telling him.  She’s a grown up.  

What else … oh yeah, Cristina.  Cristina blurts out that she’d choose surgery over Owen.  Which, let’s face it, is very Cristina.  When we were first discussing this story we had a knock down drag out fight in the writers’ room – if you had to choose your love or your art, which would you choose?  And some of us came down on the Cristina side, and some of us came down on the Izzie side – that in the end love is all that matters.  Cristina felt in that moment, faced with Teddy leaving, that she couldn’t have both, she had to choose.  And she chose surgery.  Because it’s who she is.  And without surgery, without becoming the absolute best surgeon she can be, Cristina feels that she would cease to be herself.  It’s only in that moment in the surgery on the opera singer when Teddy chooses to risk his life in order to save his art that Cristina realizes that for all of her shock and judgment, Teddy gets her.  And Cristina is unwilling to keep apologizing for who she is.  

And when Cristina challenges her, Teddy goes and gets drunk.  And spills her guts to Owen.  I love that Teddy never liked Beth, Owen’s former fiancé.  Teddy telling Owen what Cristina said, that Cristina was willing to trade him for Teddy … I love Teddy in that scene, she loves Owen, she knows he wants a family someday and he’s with a person that will always choose her work over love.  And she needs Owen to know … the Owen/Teddy/Cristina triangle is so interesting – Cristina loves Owen, but she also loves Teddy, Teddy loves Owen, Owen loves Teddy but is in love with Cristina … it’s cool to watch these characters struggle with all the conflicting feelings …

And speaking of struggle … Alex and Izzie.  He tells her he’s done.  Izzie getting the clean scan back gives Alex the freedom to leave.  Because he never would have left her when she was sick, he’s a good guy.  And I’m not saying that Alex ever consciously thought, I can’t leave her while she’ s sick, but now that she’s not, now that she seems like she’s going to get better, it just comes to him.  He deserves more.  He’s a good guy and he deserves more.  We talked about the fact that Alex grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family and he was probably in a lot of bad relationships where he wasn’t a good guy, so he had come to believe it.  But loving Izzie showed him that he can be good, is good.  So it was a little gift.  And when he tells Izzie he’s done, he’s not bitter or angry, he’s just done.  Justin Chambers plays Alex and there’s not a sweeter guy on the planet so it’s always been funny to me how well he plays an asshole.  But I like that we get to see more depth in Alex.  

Callie getting the chicken pox and being isolated and itchy is stolen from Shonda’s life.  She told us this hilarious story of being quarantined in college with chicken pox and almost losing her mind.  Be careful what you say in the writer’s room cause it will end up on TV … I love Arizona lying about having had the chicken pox and you don’t really hate her for lying because you can tell she really cares about Callie and she just doesn’t want the sexy part of their relationship to be over.  She’s not sure she’s ready for itchy scabs and whining … and thank God for Mark who gets in bed with Callie and rubs away her pain.  

And how about just when Lexie feels relieved because both she and Mark cheated and now they’re even – except that Mark doesn’t see it that way, he can’t believe she cheated … he’s all worried about his daughter and Lexie was having sex with someone else!  Of course so was he, but that’s not the same thing … 

Okay people, I have to go.  I could ramble on and on but it’s stopped raining and I need to dash back to the writers’ room before it starts up again.  We’re working on the final bunch of episodes for the season and they are good …  so GOOD … yep they are GOOD!  But I can’t tell you, so whatever.  I can tell you though that the next episode was written by the talented and very pregnant Stacy McKee …  and that we get to see Derek’s first day as interim Chief … 

 So stay tuned … and stay dry.  

Debora Cahn on "Blink"...

Original Airdate: 1-14-10

Here’s where it started.  I had my second baby recently.  My first is two and a half.  And I told Shonda that I remembered quite clearly the moment I became a mother to the new baby.  It took a while.  Longer than with the first.  The first… I was that baby’s mom the instant I knew I was pregnant.  But the second… all he was to me was the force of evil that was going to destroy my daughter’s life.  She was so sweet and happy and we loved her so much, and he was going to come along and ruin her. She’d lose her status as the epicenter of our universe and it would make her jealous and cranky and aggressive and miserable.  My son wasn’t a sweet innocent unborn baby, he was the destroyer.  Right up until the day I talked about his circumcision with a doctor.  

Someday my son is going to find out that I discussed his circumcision on the internet and he’s gonna be really pissed off.

Anyway, we were planning to get him circumcised, and I was asking our pediatrician about it, and he explained that you could use a numbing cream, but it probably wasn’t necessary.  I found this patently absurd.  A knife, and a penis, and no anesthesia??  Barbaric.  And this from a male doctor?  What was he thinking?  What the hell did he think I was going to allow them to do to my baby???

That was the moment.  Right there.  That’s when he became my baby.  

He might experience pain, and hell or high water, I was going to stop it.  He was my baby.

Now, in the end we didn’t use a numbing cream, which apparently doesn’t really work, or novocaine, because apparently injecting the novocaine is more painful than the actual procedure.  I found that hard to believe, but I was assured by three different medical professionals, and sure enough, we did the damn thing and he cried for a grand total of four seconds and that was that.  But I did my research, and I did a lot of it, because he was my baby.  

One minute he wasn’t, and the next minute he was.  In an instant.  

It struck me that a lot of stuff’s like that.  A lot of big stuff.  Big changes.  Life changes.  You think you’ll grow into it, over time, and in some ways you do, but when it comes right down to it, one minute you’re not, the next, you are.  A parent.  An adult.  In love.  Out of it. It kind of turns on a dime.  

Malcom Gladwell thought about this too, recently.  And wrote a book on it.  Called “Blink.”  Coincidence?  

So there’s Mark, who’s so sure about who he is, just like we’re so sure who he is, until suddenly he’s a dad.  Not because Sloan shows up, not because she’s living on his couch, but because she’s in danger, and something kind of unexpected and inexplicable wells up in him and suddenly he’s a father.  Just like that.  He didn’t want it.  He wouldn’t have called it.  But there it is.  Nothing he can do about it.  

And Lexie, who discovers in an instant that she’s kind of still a kid.  She sees Mark, ready to take on parenthood, ready to embrace his wacky add-water family, and knows in her gut that she’s not there yet, and doesn’t want to be there.  

And let me pause for a second to say that the look that passes over Lexie’s face before she says “I think our relationship just ended” kills me.  Chyler rocks.  

And Cristina, who has the horrible realization that having a mentor is more important to her than Owen is – she didn’t know that was the case until she’d already said it.  Until she’d already offered to trade him away.  She had no idea until it was out of her mouth, but once she’d heard herself speak the words, she knew they were true.  She’s become a person who will trade away a man she loves for her work.  Does she choose that?  Is she comfortable with that?  It doesn’t matter.  She is that.  

And let me pause for another second and say Sandra… when she says “Fine!  Done!  Take him!”  Holy crap.  I knew it was coming and it still knocked the wind right out of me.  

And I would be remiss if I didn’t mention Chandra Wilson claiming that Sheldon Morris has a quality she’s drawn to.  Good lord, the woman is funny.  

What can I say?  It’s a damn love fest over here.  

Anyhow, that’s what we were thinking about when we hatched this one.  Those little moments that change everything.  Change who you are.  Not the graduations or births.  The offhand comments, at the drugstore, next to the toothpaste.  Or on the phone, with the pediatrician, two weeks before the kid comes out.  That’s when it happens.  

Please don’t tell my son we talked about this.  

Krista Vernoff on "Holidaze"...

Original Airdate: 11-19-09

“Do not waste yourself in rejection; do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.”

~ Ralph Waldo Emerson

I read that today in a friend's Facebook status update.  Yes, I was Facebook lurking as a means of procrastination just like I was tweeting as a means of procrastination.  And yes, Shonda did publicly tweet-reprimand me, which I took with a grain of salt seeing as she had tweeted 20 times in the prior ten minutes. 

What was my point here? 

Oh, the Emerson quote.  

It made me pause. 

It made me breathe. 

For a brief moment, I was overcome with gratitude, not only for Emerson’s wise words, but for people who take the time to tweet and facebook-post inspirational quotes that get me to pause the incessant cycle of thoughts that spiral through my brain every day. 

"Do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good."

Doesn't it make you breathe a little differently, just for a minute?  That quote is my gift to you today, just as it was a gift to me. And seeing as the theme of tonight's episode was Gifts, it seems appropriate. You know what the biggest gift of tonight's episode was? 

Sara Ramirez singing Silent Night a capella while Chandra Wilson acts her ass off at the dinner table. Moments like that, gifts like that... 

They make me love my job even more.  In my lifetime, I have never seen a more powerful performer than Sara Ramirez when she sings live. I hope someday you get to see her, but until then, this was a little taste.  It was Shonda's stroke of genius -- her little Christmas gift to me, I like to think, although really, she probably intended it as a gift to all of you. Still, I am grateful. The other gift of this scene is that I got to write Bailey's words and put them on television. Those words were important to me. Without getting too personal, I will admit that there are some things going on in my life that mirror some of the things going on in Bailey’s life.  If you’ve read this blog before, you know that we writers frequently cull from our personal lives to come up with the stories we tell on the show each week. (As I write this, Joan Rater is in the writer’s room, dramatically performing some of her favorite moments of life with Tony Phelan – and our writer’s assistant Austin is frantically trying to keep pace and write it all down. And Bill Harper is doing funny accents, which is really neither here nor there.) My point is, I tend to rape and pillage my own life to bring you drama every week. In this episode, for example, when the girl talks about hiking the Inca Trail? That’s because I hiked the Inca Trail, so I know how to describe it.  (I’m averse to research so anytime I can just write what I know, I choose to.) And when Bailey defends her decision to leave a marriage that was no longer feeding her soul? That was no longer an example she wanted to set for her young child? I’m not getting too personal here, but I’m saying, I was happy to be able to put those words on TV. Bailey doesn’t need to be berated by her dad, see? Cause Bailey? Beats the crap out of herself way harder than anyone else ever could.  But it was nice, the way her Dad came around in the end. And I think he was right that Bailey should’ve called and told him about her divorce.  

Okay, what else can I tell you? I’d like to give you behind the scenes tidbits from the shooting of the episode, but I had the damn flu the whole time it was shooting so I was barely there. Oh! I know! Let’s talk about the fact that we did a holiday episode without Izzie! The Twitterers have been berating us for weeks – how COULD you, they ask? Izzie LOVES the holidays! To you, I say, dude… I know. I feel your pain. I wrote the last holiday episode. I remember vividly when Izzie helped Alex study for his exams because, “It’s what JESUS would freakin’ DO!” I remember when she and George and Meredith lay beneath the Christmas tree, soaking in the lights. I missed her like crazy in this episode and you know who else missed her? Even though he didn’t talk about it? Alex. That’s why he wouldn’t sing Christmas carols in the surgery. That’s why he didn’t show up for dinner at Meredith’s. It breaks my heart, the way she left him, and that she didn’t show up for the holidays. I think he thought she might. Because Izzie LOVES the holidays. But she didn’t and yeah, it sucks.  

But we’re not barking about the bad, we’re chanting the beauty so let’s talk about the Chief/Arizona/Owen Christmas jam! I have to admit, I have never loved dailies more, ever. I must have watched them sing that song for 20 minutes straight.  Those dailies were truly a gift during my flu-ridden misery. They lifted my whole heart up and made it feel all floaty and giddy for hours. I hope the scene did the same for you.   And since we’re chanting the good… Can we talk about the hot hot hot HOT Owen Cristina kissing??? Oh my God, I’m like a fan girl, I can’t help it.  And how ‘bout the scene where Owen whispers into Teddy’s mouth, “I’m in love with Cristina.”  I wrote it. I pictured it. But when I saw it? I seriously threw up a little in my mouth. It was SO brutal – and what was so brutal is that Owen didn’t mean to be brutal. He clearly loves them both. Which is…impossible. And devastating. And BRUTAL.   I mean it – how could Teddy not love him? Playing guitar one minute, torturedly whispering into her mouth the next… How that will all play out, I do not know. I mean it, I don’t know. We’re a little behind in the writer’s room. But I’m as excited as you are to see how it all goes down! 

There’s so much more in this episode – Mark Sloan becoming the sexiest Grandpa on TV and Meredith making a deal with the devil and Arizona and Derek and Mark paying their own hard-earned money to save the life of a very sick little boy. It made my heart happy, that story. And so did the story of the woman living without a heart for all that time and surviving. Both of those were our gift to you, to send you into the holiday season with hope and optimism.  My friend Peter called me today and when I said, “How are you?” He said, “I’m trying, actively, to renew my faith and my hope and my joy and my optimism. They’ve all gone missing, which is not okay with me.” I love Peter. I love that when his faith goes missing, he doesn’t sit and feel sorry for himself. He goes turning over rocks and stones, looking for it. He prays and he calls friends and he says out loud what he’s feeling. Which, in itself, demonstrates that his faith is not as far away as he imagines. That’s the feeling I hope this episode left you with. That miracles are possible…That a simple song can lift your spirits…. That speaking your truth, or opening your checkbook, or offering a simple apology or making an attempt to understand another’s point of view can turn your whole day or your whole year around. That life doesn’t always happen the way we hope or plan but that that doesn’t matter. How we  greet what life throws our way is all that matters. “Do not waste yourself in rejection; do not bark against the bad, but chant the beauty of the good.”   Happy Thanksgiving. And Merry Christmas. And May There Be Peace on Earth. 

Allan Heinberg on "New History"...

Original Airdate: 11-12-09

Tonight’s episode, “New History,” is named after a song by Andy Davis, a sly and soulful singer/songwriter, whose protagonist has barely survived a bad breakup and now finds himself unsure whether or not he should embark on a new romance.  He doesn’t know if he’s ready to trust his feelings and create what he calls “new history.”

I love the idea of “new history” because it perfectly captures the relationship so many of us have with the past.  No matter how hard we try to let go of it –– to learn from it and move forward -- all we’re really doing is creating new history, trying to learn from past mistakes, but inevitably making new ones that will haunt us in the future.

The past, it would seem, is inescapable.  Everything we are today is the product of who we were yesterday, last month, last year:  the choices we made, the red lights we ran, the things said and maybe shouldn’t have, the people we loved, and the people we didn’t.  So, how to make peace with the past?  What can be done about the mistakes we made, the lies we told, and the people we hurt to get where we are today?

For Izzie Stevens, the past has never been more present.  Fired from Seattle Grace Mercy West -- and feeling Alex is to blame – Izzie retreated to the Chehalis, WA trailer park where she grew up.  Reconnecting with the man who inspired her to become a surgeon, her high school science teacher, Dr. Adam Singer, Izzie is forced to relive her history as a pregnant 15-year-old who considered dropping out of high school to become a teenage mom.  The irony, of course, is that Izzie’s concern for her mentor forces her to return to Seattle Grace Mercy West to confront her more recent past – her failures as a doctor and a wife -- and the anger and shame she felt as a pregnant 15-year-old is not all that different from the resentment and humiliation she’s experiencing right now.  And the decision she’s facing in the present is exactly the same one she faced in high school. Is she going to let a careless error – and her own hurt feelings and regrets – rob her of her future as a surgeon?  As in the past, Izzie ultimately chooses to confront the issue head-on – to stand up to the Chief and to Alex – and the insight she gains from both encounters – and the encouragement she receives from Dr. Singer – a man who still regrets never having lived his dream – ultimately allows her to take a clear-eyed look at herself, her circumstances, and her options for the future.  There are no easy answers for Izzie at the end of this episode, but you definitely get a sense from Katherine Heigl’s performance that Izzie’s not about to give up on her dream of becoming a surgeon.  Somewhere, somehow, she’s going to be a doctor.

Alex, too, is haunted throughout the episode by his past with Izzie.  He’s obviously still wounded by her having left him – but he’s determined not to allow himself to acknowledge that – to feel it – to reveal himself to Izzie in any way.  And when Alex is finally brave enough to go to the OR gallery and force a confrontation, Izzie throws the entire history of their relationship in his face – all the things she’s had to forgive him for in the past – but in the end, it turns out to be Izzie’s misinterpretation of the past – specifically of Alex’s going to the Chief out of his concern for her – that has created the unbridgeable distance between them.

To one degree or another, all the characters seem a bit paralyzed by the past.  Meredith longs for the moment when George was sill alive, and Izzie was okay, and everyone was happy – a moment she was barely even conscious of when it was happening.  Derek seems to mourn the time when the hospital ran smoothly, and he and Richard were trusted allies.  And by the episode’s end, Bailey acutely feels the loss – not only of her work-husband and husband-husband – but of the time when she had total, unquestioning trust in the Chief.

And then sometimes the past doesn’t stay in the past.  Teddy’s arrival at Seattle Grace unleashes all manner of complications for Owen, Cristina, and herself.  Cristina’s immediately suspicious that Owen and Teddy were more than friends during their time together in Iraq.  Teddy confesses to Owen that she apparently misread their mutual history, and walks away from him, mortified.  And Owen’s left haunted by Teddy’s confession, now forced to re-examine his own history -- and his feelings for both Teddy and Cristina.

Ultimately, however, it’s the Chief’s struggle with the past – specifically with his history of alcoholism – that’s the most devastating.  So far this season, the Chief has behaved in extremely erratic, un-Chief-like ways – crashing his car, alienating his friends, firing Derek, Izzie, April, and Patricia to name a few -- all of which seemed to stem from the stress surrounding his dealings with the board and the subsequent merger.  But the truth turns out to be much darker – and more catastrophic for both the Chief and Seattle Grace Mercy West.  The Chief is drinking again.  And apparently he’s been drinking for a long time.  Right now, only Meredith Grey knows the truth.  And what she’s going to do about it will surprise you.

Tune in next week.  Thanks for watching.  And for reading.