Pete Nowalk on "All By Myself"...

Original Airdate: 12-4-08

So you watch this TV show for a few seasons.  You really enjoy it.  Admire it.  Learn from it.  You even read the writers’ blog every once in awhile – just to see what these writer people are actually like.  Wondering what it’s like to be them.  Dreaming about being them…  And then it happens.  You’re now sitting in a room with these people.  These talented, hard-working, funny writers who you quickly realize you have no business being around. 

This happened to me.  And I freaked out.  Big time.  Going to work everyday was an exercise in panic.  Nausea, nightmares, shaky voice…symptoms of what’s commonly referred to as an all out, no-doubt-about-it, yikes-is-he-sweating, better-start-looking-for-a-new-career, you-don’t-need-to-be-a-doctor-to-diagnose-it FREAK OUT. 

Which is all to say I get Alex in this episode.   (Okay, okay, so I know writing an episode of television isn’t really comparable to what it must feel like to operate on someone all by yourself, but that’s why I’m happy to be a writer and not, say, a second year surgical resident.  I freak out easily.)  It’s kind of a big deal, performing your first solo surgery.   One of two things could happen – your patient lives or your patient dies.  And since this surgery is a very simple, very easy below-the-knee amputation, a dead patient means you killed them.  No wonder Alex freaked out.

Alex is one of those characters who’s still a little mysterious.  He likes sex, yeah.  He has a sick sense of humor, sure.  He’s a pretty rotten communicator, no duh.  But now we know he loves Izzie.  Loooooves her.  Which he finally told her off the thrill of winning the solo surgery.  Alex needed this win.  This is the dude that failed his boards and froze during the heart surgery in the elevator.  Winning the solo – and having Cristina of all people pick him – finally allowed Alex to believe in himself.  And with that came believing in himself with Izzie.  Who makes him better.  Who gives him the warm and cozies inside.  Who is still.  Seeing.  Denny. 

Okay, I know what you’re thinking.   Or I don’t.  But what I do know is that it’s confusing.  Alex loves Izzie.  He’s been good to her.  SO WTF IS THAT GIRL THINKING?  She’s not thinking.  That’s the point.  Because when we think we tend to screw things up.  We over-think.  Or under-think.  Or just think about thinking.  And it’s exhausting.  To the point where it’s easier to just shut your mind off sometimes, to just go with the flow.  So that’s what Izzie is doing.  She’s throwing caution to the wind.  She’s letting it ride.  She’s saying F&$# IT!  And I don’t blame her.  Who knows how long Denny will be here, or when Alex will confront her about the bizarro behavior, or what – if anything – there is to learn from Denny while he’s here.  So like Izzie, I’m choosing to say F%$# it.  Go on, try it.  Shout it.  Scream it to the rafters.   F&%$^&^*^**&*#### IT!!!!!!!!!   Feels good, right?

Now for the people still reading (Don’t give up on me yet.  I know I’m new.  I’ll try to curse less…) I have one word for you.  Hi.  A simple word, yup, but loaded with meaning when you haven’t said it for 5 years.  Sometimes when we research these medical stories I can’t believe what we find out about the world.  How many scary medical conditions there are.  How wrong things can go.  It makes you wonder how the hell any of us are still walking around living.  Which is why it’s a kind of miracle that, sometimes, there’s a surgery to make life better.  Mark Sloan gave this woman back her voice.  Pretty damn cool.  Also cool is Lexie working so hard to get this very stubborn, very scared woman to speak.  Lexie was doing it for the husband, yes, but also for Mark.  She knew how much this surgery meant to him.  He’s not all boob jobs all the time after all (yes, that’s directed at you Dr. Bailey).  So you can imagine how psyched Lexie must have been to tell Mark that the surgery worked.  And, oh yeah, ask him to teach her.  Teach her what??  Um…

I don’t know about you but that moment right before Mark gave in – when he was trying with all his might to not do the thing he knew he shouldn’t do but oh-so-wanted to do – was a pretty great window into the kinder, gentler McSteamy.  Mark was trying to be good, for Derek and for himself, but he’s also human.  And he’s Mark.  And Lexie was there.  All vulnerable.  All beautiful.  All HALF NAKED.  Hell, even I wouldn’t be able to deny her in that moment (and I bat for the other team).   As long as Meredith and Derek don’t find out about these two.   

I guess Meredith’s got her hands full worrying about Cristina anyway though.  She hoped their fight from the last episode would blow over.  Two weeks of civil-yet-heated interactions and all would be fine.  Not quite.  Not even when she tried to apologize in the gallery.  Because Meredith said the one thing that set Cristina off.  She said, “I know why you made it personal.”  And that’s all it took for Cristina to blow.  Cristina who had been working SO HARD all day to keep it together – to hear out each of her fellow residents as they described why they deserved the solo even though she herself had truly won it.  All the Attendings picked her.   Every single one.  Even Derek (who smartly told Mer it was because he didn’t want it to look like he was playing favorites.  And Mer was fine with it.  Let’s hear it for relationship maturity!).  So Cristina blew.  She had to.  No one can keep their feelings bottled up forever.  Thank god Owen was there to show her his secret place…

Ew, not that secret place.  THE VENT PEOPLE.  The cold, dank, dirty-in-a-good-way vent.  My one regret from my time on the set is that I didn’t get to take a test-spin on that puppy.  Cause the vent is real, folks.  You can’t CGI hair-blowing like that.  And it apparently makes you want to kiss people.  Owen has so many tricks up his sleeve.  It’s kinda hot.  And Cristina needed that vent.  Especially after the day which included working with Dr. Dixon.  Dr. Dixon who sees the world in her own very unique way.  Sure, it might have seemed insensitive how she kept pressing this family to donate their daughter’s organs.  But it also didn’t make sense to her.  Embrace the science, leave feelings out of it – that’s what she told Cristina.  Donating the organs would save lives.  So why let feelings get in the way?  Cristina understood this, and it’s exactly what allowed her to pick Alex for the solo.   

Let’s move on to something a little less girl-in-a-coma depressing and more girl-in-a-sexual-awakening fun.  Callie’s like a teenager right now.  Confused, awkward, horny.  And she’s trying to figure out her new, liking-girls life.  Cause girls are different than boys.  They flirt in a different way.  In a way that might not even be flirting.  Like Sadie.  Who is quite a flirty gal.  But is she flirty with everyone?  Is that just her nature?  Or is she actually flirting with Callie?  Or does she just need a new friend because everyone in the hospital thinks she’s flat out CRAZY?  Sadie’s got some stuff going on in that flirty little head of hers.  Now if only Callie could figure it out.  Or figure herself out.  Maybe she should take a page from Izzie and say, “F&#@ IT!”   After all it worked for Alex.  It’s what allowed him to make his first cut on the leg amputation dude.  And since we know he’s going to rock the hell out of the rest of that surgery, it doesn’t seem like the worst idea out there.  So try it.  Do something that totally freaks you out today.  I will too.  First up, posting this blog...

Comments

[Izzie-At-heart]

Thank you for this. I'm busy writing an unnecessarily long paper for my masters but I needed to do this. I think this show is perfection- this has been my favorite episode thus far. I loved seeing Cristina's face and the gush of air- I loved Izzie and Alex- I loved Cristina's gusto when dealing with Meredith- I loved Little Grey and her Teach Me Teach Me. I appreciate the work you writers do- please know that it does not go in vain as your show provides me much needed sanity and stability. As usual, I cannot wait for next week.

KEEP IT UP!
Izzie-At-Heart

[Sharon]

Once again no MerDer.....what is happening!!????

[Marie-Eve]

I am sorry but not one word about how great George was. After all, George, not Alex, is the one that was so worried about Izzie and noticed right away she wasn,t herself. George shwoed he knew her more than anyone in the world. I stayed up really late to hear about George and Izzie and all I heard was you praising Alex, the Alex who acted like a jerk to George and am,de his entire love declaration about his own ego!

Oh and let's not forget how great the porn scene with Mark and Lexie was, even though she is in love with George and Mark looks like her dad and is her teacher.

Have you lost your mind?

[anonymous]

If it wasn't for Owen and Cristina I wouldn't be watching. I only watch for their scenes. They are electrifying together; it's unreal and keeps me tuned in.

[Ashley]

Hey Pete, thanks for such a great episode. I love that moment in the surgery where Bailey is in total awe over what Mark has done, and she comes off all brash, but she's tries her best to communicate her wonder.

Oh, and that kiss on the vent, god, I'm so jealous of Christina right now.

So thanks for a great episode, even if it did feature dead guy sex. A lot. At least George realises that there's something wrong with Izzie.

[S.Cali]

Ok, Christina was totally robbed and I hope the writers give her a chance to remind everyone in her class that she's still number one.

I was SO SURE she was going to write her own name on the surgical board.

Didn't think I'd like the Sloane/Lexie thing, but I think I actually do!

And Dixon? Is Seattle Grace really going to make her the new head of Cardio? Her character is kind of totally ridiculous.

[MERDER FAN!!!!!]

HOW MANY TIMES DO WE HAVE TO SAY THIS. WE WANT MORE MERDER SCREEN TIME. WE WANT MORE MERDER AND ELLEN AND PATRICK DESERVE MORE THEN WHAT YOU ARE GIVING THEM.
WE WANT MORE MERDER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I MEAN ARE THEY STILL ON THE SHOW CAUSE WHAT YOU GIVE THEM IS CRAP. THEY BOTH DESERVE BETTER.

[sushi_girl]

I really love...love the pairing of the doctors in this season. I've always been pulling for Meredith and Derek and I'm glad to see that they seem to be functional and doing well. I also love the story with Christina and Owen, they have great chemistry and makes me wanting more. The story line with McSteamy and Lexi -- also a good choice! All is good in the world until we get to Izzie and Denny. Please kill him...wait, HE'S ALREADY DEAD! Please get rid of him soon, the story is getting so ridiculous & disturbing, I mean, sex with a ghost and all. I get that if Izzie and Alex also lived happily ever after, there would be no one left to be disfunctional, but I like them together and I hope you get rid of Denny. Great improvement from the premier episode of the season, so you've got my attention again! I hope you keep up the good writing!

[Maya]

This was a pretty well done episode. I am really loving how Cristina and Owen are going. They are full of surprises. I totally am in shock at the end of every episode they are in together. It was great seeing them being 'friendly' and I think this will be so different than Burke because Owen and Cristina will be friends as well as a couple. That is something she never was with Burke. I believe Burke and Cristina loved each other, but they were never best friends in the way that Owen adn Cristina have the potential to be.

Owen and Cristina just kind of gel together and I love that they just kind of jump around in their steps to a relationship. It makes it all the more interesting and since they are both complicated, a bit more realistic. It was so cute how he kept checking up on her through out the episode.

I love that he showed Cristina his secret place. And the Cristina that I saw was one that I have never seen before and I hope we see more of that Cristina when she's with Owen. I'm glad she has Owen now that the rift with meredith is on. Owen and Cristina seem to know when and what each other needs without even being able to think about it or analyze things to death which is what Burke did. It is a testament to how Cristina has grown as a character.

One thing I have to say is I kind of like how the first ep of Season One was referenced through out the episode. Its pretty majestic considering how the writing has been lately. when meredith said "That's one of us down there' She said that when Burke picked George to help him in surgery the first time and George became 007.
I knew from the beginning that Cristina would pick alex. Not to get back at Meredith, but if you look at the kind of doctor Alex has become compared to when he used to make fun of nurses, etc. He is really the only one who deserved it aside from Cristina. It also ticks me off that none of the others have stuck up for Cristina. She was pulled into Dennygate against her will and even though she obviously wasn't down with the situation she stood up for her classmates becasue they were in it together. Though now its different because they have to think of their careers.

And Cristina was right that Meredith can't separate her work and her life like Cristina can and that is going to be a major problem. Also what's with Sadie? she's completely useless. I wish you guys would cut the cast in half.
I'm guessing we will meet Sadie's father at some point since he's apparently an important person in the medical world?

Izzie izzie izzie, I'm glad George is at least noticing. No one else seems to care that she has an invisible friend, not even Alex who's obsessed with the solo surgery, and I thought it was cliche that he picked Izzie who has no right to be in there.

Lexie and Mark are ick ick ick. This is turning into a Kubrick film I can feel it. Pretty soon Sascha Baron Cohen will play some rambling guy that Mark has a showdown with at the end. It would be nice if he actually falls for Lexie, but seeing that this is Mark, I'm not holding my breath. THANK YOU for puting Bailey in this episode. Please please please have more of her. I miss my girl.

So basically Owen Cristina and Bailey are the only reasons I keep watching, but it was nice to see how some of the eps are remembering where they came from.

[Barbie Ross]

Enough of the new characters and dead characters! When was the last time we focused on the character that we actually care about??!! Derek was in the episode for, what? 35 seconds?

It just seems like every time we lose a character, you guys over compensate, giving us way too many characters to keep up with. I mean, Callie was just a love interest for George and she's still on the show - a main character. Mark- I love. Where did Bailey go?

MORE DEREK AND MEREDITH PLEASE. It's like now that they're together we can't focus on them because they're not moving forward, but nobody wants them taking any steps backwards.

[jessicafreels]

Enjoyed Mark and LExie...and the lady with no voice. I also loved Alex. I loved he needed Meredith to talk him off the ledge.

I so don't care if Meredith and Cristina are fighting. I liked how Cristina struggled all day with her feelings of frustration. And I like how it led her to Alex, and how it led her to tell all of the other interns off. I liked the own moment with the vent.
All in all....I liked it.

[Virginia]

Thanks! The ep was great, you did a great job and wellcome to the team!

Please please please fix the Meredith-Cristina thing soon! We hate it when they fight, do you guys realize they are the only stable always and no matter what relationship on the show?? And we love it, don't torture us...

[Deanne]

Are Mer-Der even a couple or on this show anymore? they don't matter so why don't you put us out of our misery and just write them out and send them away somewhere for good. SO I won't waste my time for 40 seconds a week of their scenes. THEY GET NOTHING when I see more DENNY and SADIE than them. What is wrong with you people? I'm so FED UP and now we have to watch Derek on Private Practice? Well f*ck that and how you give MerDer NOTHING every week

[?]

Hahaha Are you writers still trying to sell Mark and Lexie to me? Even after that disgusting display? No wonder you get bashed left and right.

[Felicia]

So sorry to take my anger, frustration, and disappointment out on a what must be a very exciting time for you, but two minutes of Derek on screen absolutely blows.

Sorry, Shonda, I'm not watching live to boost your ratings - I'll DVR it and decide whether or not to watch after I find out whether or not Derek and Meredith get to have a freaking storyline on this show.

[Kate]

I've just been watching the "all by myself" episode. Liked it a lot. I am a big fan having seen every single episode since the first (some on dvd) and personally so far I like season 5 a lot better than the end of season 3 (in difference to most people I loved season 3, it`s what made me watch grey's n the first place, just not the end) and season 4. About the latest episode: Liked Lexy and Sloan an awful lot. This storyline is really beautiful so far. Seeing Marc falling for her and caring about her like that. Also like Christina a lot better this season. Loved her from the beginning, but lately she kind of bored and repulsed me. I really like seeing her and Hunt together. And for the first time ever I can see her happy and in love and believe it. I love George. I think he`s the nicest character ever. He's the one of the residents I would want to be my friend. He's georgeous and sensitive and really cares about his friends and colleagues. He is the only one who really sees that s.th. is seriously wrong with Izzy. (Although I think this whole storyline might get kind of messy when you get George back in the game. Think about it: Alex, Denny AND George.) He's Izzy's best friend and he cares about her. She needs a friend. About Izzy. It's a fastcinating storyline..I'm really curious how it's going to end. I really hope you don't mess it up. You've got my respect for so many things: showing a curvy woman as sexy ana attractive without making a big fuzz about the fact that she's not all skinny and boney (Callie, also Adele a bit), showing homosexuality as normal and ordinary and part of the spectrum of love and relationship (Joe and his boyfriend, Callie and Erica), educating about bullying and cliques being aware of what a big problem this is and that it really is not the victims fault and much more. But you lost quite a bit of my respect when you diagnosed Ava/ Rebaca with borderline personality disorder (which I think is ridiculous) and then never showing her again. Why can't the residents (Alex) care about her when she's sick? I also read the writers blog after the "flood" episode and was very disappointed reading how one of your writers described her sisters psychiatric patiens as "really crazy patients". They probably have enough problems without you stigmatizing them. So I really hope you don't mess up Izzy. I am not saying that she's losing her mind, but she does get some serious problems, if she continues neglecting reality like that in order to be with a guy only she can se. I feel for Alex. It is such a huge step for him, being a decent guy and showing his softer side. And then the woman he loves is not really there. Mentally spoken. Like his mother and Ava/ Rebecca.
I'm curious how you're going to solve this. Merder: I think you're paranoid thinking that the show is over or you'll lose viewers when you give us a bit more of what we want: Some serious interaction! It's quite annoying (and, yes, early in their relationship) for them to barely talk to each other.

Kind regards,
Kate

[christina]

Omg! I can't believe I'm the first comment! I'm loving Alex so much now! Please kill Denny off, it can't be that hard, he's already DEAD! I really am loving all of the new relationships and the new direction of mer/der. The season started off kinda slow, but it rocks now! Thank you for that!

[ctflowerchild]

Hi Pete! Great Blog, and welcome!

I thought that this was a good episode:
-I'm LOVING Cristina and Owen together, they have fantastically intense chemistry and can't wait to see where this goes.
-all kinds of love for Alex tonight. I've been a huge A/I fan for years, and while I'm having huge huge difficulties with this Deady ridiculousness, I loved Alex's speech. Loved every part of it and thought it was long overdue. Glad he got the surgery and glad Iz showed up in the end. you had me worried for a second. And I know the Deady business isn't your fault, but please for the love of godot make it stop. Words cannot describe how much I LOATHE him and this arc. What would have made that I Love You so much better would have been if Denny hadn't been there/snarked.
-and please please please more MerDer.
-and if Mexie is really happening, please don't take the ridiculous road.

I thought the rest was good Sadie and the Chief though, I could do without

[JLofan]

What the hell did George ever do to you? You never mention him at all. You humiliate him, have women leave him for losers (Alex and Mark) and have him be a great guy yet get walked on over and over again.

I am sick of it.

I was praying so hard you would at least give him the surgery after everything he went through. Alex has Izzie, Alex didn't have to repeat the exam and Alex didn't even work on Stan and then treated George like a loser. he was awful to him, yet it is all poor Alex.

Are you kidding me?

When does George get to win, when does George get to have love and when does george get praised for being such a great friend, to Mer after the exam, and to Izzie now?

And no Lexie looked 10, she didn't look hot

[Callielesbolova]

Great job Pete....probably one of the more interesting writer blogs I've read in a while.

I am definitely interested in seeing what becomes of Cristina and Meredith's new turmoil. I think Meredith is going to make this thing real ugly.

As for Callie and Sadie..Eh! I don't really know what to make of them. Callie's been all over the place and Sadie just seems nuts...They could be a very toxic combo if they in fact hooked up.

I was totally surprised at Lexie's new found confidence...She definitely wasn't the shy little Grey that we've all come to know and love. Its funny because Lexie was developed as the more "emotional" of the two but I can see Mark being the one who gets his feelings hurt.

[Chelsea]

I miss Callie.
I miss the Callie that was cool and had lots of sex but wasn't a slut for it.
I miss that Callie that knew exactly who she was and was proud of it.

Could you maybe bring that chick back? She was cool.

[I Hate Denny]

Denny needs to go. The show is a joke now. Not enjoyable or funny. I really hope there is some master plan behind Izzie sexing up a ghost/herself or whatever. It is the stupidest thing I have ever wasted my time watching. MerDer have relationship maturity? Who knew? Not us, because we got 30 uninteresting seconds. I don't know if the "teach me" was a cry for help, but I'm sure plenty of fans would be happy to teach you all about what makes for a decent storyline

[brittany]

okay, i love you guys. i love the show. i love this blog. i love this new writer guy. but seriously... denny? seriously?? why??? can we just be in the moment? isn't real life for them (and everyone) complicated enough? why do we need to bring dead fiances into it? it's too gimmicky. and alex loves izzie. and i don't think i can stand to watch him get hurt. i don't think he can deal with a lot more hurt. can we please not? please??? let's just all be alive. that would be super.

[Stefania]

I love Alex/Izzie and Mark/Lexie. I enjoyed reading your take on both couples. Alex's speech was so heartfelt. I was so glad he told her what we, the viewers, have known all along.

I can't even put my love for Mark into words. I didn't even think about the fact that Lexie was getting the woman to speak for Mark. Makes it sweeter.

Anyway, those are my two (or four) favorite things about this show right now. Thanks for the blog!

[GOAWAYDENNY]

Yeah...f*ck it...That's exactly what I'm saying to this show after tonight. Ruining such an important moment of the Alex/Izzie relationship by having Denny be there. So long Grey's!