Grey's Anatomy: Grey Matter

Krista Vernoff on "Haunt You Every Day"...

First things first. Blogging about episode number 5 when you are currently spending long days in the writers’ room working on episode 12? This kind of thing was MUCH easier before I had a baby. Yes, since we last spoke my beautiful daughter Cosette was born – and with her arrival went the vast majority of my brain cells. Seriously, it’s craaaazy how dumb I am. Can’t. Remember. Crap. I currently have my lovely and talented assistant, Star, running around the building looking for a dvd of “Haunt You Everyday” so I can remember what the hell it’s about. I vaguely remember something about Halloween. So that’s what I’ll talk about.

Halloween has long been a favorite holiday of my family. We are a highly delusional people, and any opportunity to pretend to be someone else, we seize upon with glee. Every year, my Dad, until he died at 56, would spend like, 4 hours in the bathroom putting on this unbelievable costume. He would dress as one of the monsters from the Time Machine. What were they called?? Warlock? …Morlock! I think it was morlock! God, I wish I was kidding about my memory. Anyway, he was big on the holiday. I, myself, remember being chastised by a neighbor lady when, at age 13, I was dressed up like a kitty/bunny/rodent type creature, ringing doorbells and trick or treating. She told me I was too old for this sort of thing and I STILL remember my devastation, cause truth be told, that hadn’t even occurred to me. I loooove Halloween (and you can’t believe how excited I am to dress my 7 month old in a monkey costume and carry her around the neighborhood – no one can tell me I’m too old for that!!) I’m ranting, as usual, but my point is…Meredith. That moment where she tells Mark that Ellis never got Halloween together and didn’t approve of knocking on doors, begging for food… That moment explains so so so much to me about our lovely, broken Meredith. That her first experience trick or treating is taking an earless boy around the hospital to make his pro-bono surgery happen… I find it utterly heartbreaking. And I love that Mark points out to her that she fell pretty far from the Ellis tree. I think it was critically important to Meredith to hear those words, because the haunting Meredith is feeling, is the fear that she will die alone like her Mom did. Because Derek said he might find someone else before she’s ready. And she doesn’t know how to get ready. Cause she’s an emotional cripple who’s unwilling or unable to lay her ass down on a therapist’s couch for the many years it takes to work through issues like she has. Meredith’s version of therapy – her very best idea – is to bring her mom’s ashes to work. Y’know, in a strange way it makes sense – like, she understands that she’s been sticking her mom in the back of her closet, literally and metaphorically – and that if she doesn’t start to look at this stuff (i.e.: herself) she’s in danger of dying alone (i.e.; losing Derek forever.) Life is hard isn’t it? But I love and applaud Meredith’s ongoing willingness to try – as she explains to Derek when his hands are covered in mommy dust and he’s looking at her like maybe, just maybe he should escort her up to the psych ward, “This is me trying.” See, Derek comes from sanity, and a Mom who probably made him homemade Halloween costumes every year and chaperoned the school dances and things – so it’s hard for him to get, exactly how haunted Meredith is. Richard, though, gets it. Because Ellis haunts him, too. And my favorite scene, maybe ever, is the one in which Richard and Meredith put Ellis to rest in a surgical sink. I hope, I hope, I hope you all got this. I hope so much that no one found this disrespectful. (My Dad, for the record, has been laid to rest in something like 28 different countries. He had always wanted to travel, and never got to much, so after he died, my stepmom put his ashes in many little baggies and gave them out to all his friends with the directive that when they went somewhere cool, they should bring him. I kid you not. I myself scattered him in the Bahamas, in Paris and in Scotland.) Point is, there is nowhere Ellis would rather be put to rest than in the scrubroom at Seattle Grace. This is absolutely the most respectful and appropriate thing Meredith could have done. And Ellis was a very private woman, so the intimate ceremony, her daughter and the man who loved her most, was all she would have wanted. There are more things in this episode, I know there are, but I loaned my dvd to the new writer and my assistant isn’t back yet and my brain isn’t functioning and I’m needed in the writers’ room, so I will say goodbye here and wish you all a very happy Halloween. May no one ever tell you you are too old to knock on doors and beg for food.

Xoxo, Krista

Allan Heinberg on "The Heart of the Matter" ...

Original Airdate: 10-18-07

Not long ago, one of my smartest and most soulful friends found herself in the middle of a brutal divorce at exactly the same time my own ten-year relationship imploded.  We were both wrecked by the experience, but we got each other through it by convincing ourselves and each other that with enough time and therapy, we’d one day be able to let go of the all-consuming self-righteousness and rage we still felt toward our exes (who deserved it) and move on with our lives.  But a year and a half later, it still wasn’t happening.  We were angrier and bitterer and really tired of being single.  That’s when my smart, soulful and now impatient friend told me she’d figured it out.  “I have to forgive him,” she said.  “I’m never going to be able to move on until I forgive him.”  And I knew she was right.  I had to find a way to forgive my ex, too.  But how?  I mean, even if I was finally able to let go of all my anger and be grateful for the ten years we had together, how was I supposed to get in touch with him after sixteen months of terrible silence and say, “I forgive you”?  What the hell does he care if I’ve forgiven him.  He’s probably already moved on with his life.  He probably doesn’t even think he needs my stupid forgiveness.

So what did I do?  I did what most television writers do when they need the answer to one of life’s unanswerable questions:  I wrote a GREY’S ANATOMY episode about forgiveness and hoped to learn a little something along the way.

So, the subject of forgiveness:

George cheated on Callie.  He did.  He didn’t mean to exactly -- after all, George has proven himself to be a principled, loving person in the past -- but in a moment of angry, drunken weakness, he fell into bed with his best friend and apparently fell in love with her, too.  And then -- as if that wasn’t bad enough -- George lied to Callie about it.  For a long time.  And when he did finally tell Callie about his infidelity, he didn’t say he was in love with Izzie.  He told her he’d slept with her.  Maybe because he didn’t want to hurt Callie any more than he already had.  Or perhaps because he was hoping she’d be the one to end the marriage so he wouldn’t have to?  But that’s not what happened.  Instead George got the one response he’d never even considered.  Callie forgave him.  For Callie, that’s what you do when you love someone -- especially when you’ve made a lifelong commitment to someone -- you forgive him.  No matter what.  That’s what love’s about, right? 

So Callie forgave George.  And George suddenly found himself paralyzed -- unable to move in any direction -- until it became clear in that moment of near violence with her patient’s boyfriend that Callie, in fact, did not forgive George.  In spite of her best efforts, she’d been hurt, betrayed, and publicly humiliated to the point where forgiveness was impossible.  And she certainly had no forgiveness in her heart for Izzie -- even though Izzie seems to have finally realized that, although she and George may be the star-crossed heroes of their own love story, in Callie’s story, they're the bad guys.

Richard’s story also turns on the question of forgiveness.  As much as he still loves Adele -- and wants to stay married to her -- he cannot allow his feelings for her to dictate the way he fulfills his responsibilities as a physician.  Which has always been the conflict in their marriage.  And which -- in the context of Camille’s life or death decision -- Adele ultimately deems unforgivable.

As for Camille, keen-eyed GREY’S ANATOMY viewers will notice that the role is now being played by the brilliant Camille Winbush.  (If you’ve seen THE BERNIE MAC SHOW, you’ll recognize her instantly as Vanessa, Bernie’s sane, sharp-tongued niece.)  When the incredible Tessa Thompson, who originated the role of Camille, wasn’t available, we were fortunate indeed that Camille was able to step into part at the last minute with such extraordinary grace, intelligence, and heart.  I know cast changes are jarring, but Camille’s performance is so beautiful and so strong, I’m hoping you’ll forgive us.

In fact, forgiveness figures prominently in nearly all our characters’ stories.  Cristina forgives Lexie for being an intern.  Lexie forgives Cristina for being the new Nazi.  Mrs. Bitzer forgives Meredith and Norman when their carelessness makes her Icelandic dreams come true.  But for me the most remarkable act of forgiveness comes from Derek.

As a GREY’S writer, the question I’m most often asked (by parents, siblings, friends, and agents) is “Why aren’t Meredith and Derek together?”  Especially since Addison is gone and there don’t seem to be any concrete obstacles standing in their way.  “Why,” they ask, “can’t those two just stop whining and get together and be happy for a change?”   And most of the time when people share their feelings on the subject, it’s poor Meredith who gets the blame.  She has issues.  She’s dark and twisty.  She’s self-destructive and can’t allow herself even a single moment’s happiness.  But I don’t think that’s entirely accurate or fair.  After all, Derek lied at the beginning of their relationship by not revealing he was married.  And then when Addison showed up at Seattle Grace, he left Meredith and went back to her.  So, I can understand why Meredith has trust issues with Derek.

But in terms of why they’re not together now, the most compelling analysis comes from Mark Sloan (and it’s a remarkable testament to the power of forgiveness that Mark and Derek’s friendship has survived to this point) when he observes that Meredith is essentially still an intern.  She’s just starting out -- as a physician and as an adult -- whereas Derek’s life and career are firmly established.  He knows exactly who he is and what he wants -- and he’s ready to settle down.  He’s ready to get married and build Meredith a house and have kids with her and grow old with her.  And I’m sorry, but Meredith just isn’t there yet.  Nor should she be.  She’s a second year intern who’s only now coming to terms with who she is and what she wants to be.

Meredith and Derek love each other -- they do -- they may even be each other’s soul mates -- but right now they’re at vastly different points in their lives.  It’s no one’s fault.  It’s just a fact.  And by the end of the episode when Derek gets on the elevator, I think he finally sees and accepts Meredith for who she truly is -- regardless of whether or not she’s able to give him what he wants in that moment.  He simply loves her.  In spite of everything that’s gone before and no matter what happens next.

Which seems to me to be what forgiveness is really about:  acceptance.  Letting go of the hurt feelings -- or more precisely the ego blows -- we experience when our lives -- and the people in our lives -- don’t behave the way we want them to.  Which, let’s face it, is most of the time.  But if we can somehow recognize and accept ourselves and others for who we are -- without judgment -- those “hurt feelings” fade away and are replaced by what feels a lot like forgiveness.  At least that’s what happened with me and my ex.

Thanks for watching.  And for reading.

-- Allan Heinberg

Mark Wilding on "Let The Truth Sting"...

The truth.  We like to think there’s only one version of it.  Namely, our own.  But then someone else comes along and they insist on giving you their (generally wrongheaded) version of the truth.  The truth is…there’s all sorts of truths.  The varnished truth.  The unvarnished truth.  The naked truth.  Half-truths.  Whole truths.  And what we finally addressed in this episode.  THE PAINFUL TRUTH.  The kind of truth we don’t always want to hear. 

We all have these ideas of ourselves – of how we are – so when somebody else actually weighs in about us, well, it can be a shock.  I’m going to quote the Scottish poet Robert Burns right now because I’ve always wanted to quote him and I couldn’t really figure how to cram this quote into a birthday toast or a Thanksgiving speech or a piece of wisdom I might pass on to my kids – who wouldn’t want to hear it anyway (that’s my painful truth).  Also it might lend this blog a little more class.  “If only God, the gift he gee us/To see ourselves as others see us.”  Yes, even famous Scottish poets wrote about the painful truth.

Anyway, just about everyone at Seattle Grace has to face the painful truth about themselves in this episode.  Bailey when she has to stand in front of Callie and admit that she’s been having trouble with the pecking order of things.  Callie, who is, my God, hiding from the truth because she can’t bear to hear what she just KNOWS is coming.  Okay, she doesn’t know one hundred percent KNOW, KNOW but she suspects and that’s enough to drive her underground – into the Residents Lounge.  Anything to avoid her cheating husband…

How about Lexie and Meredith?  Meredith’s served a painful, unwelcome dollop of the truth when Bailey tells her that she hasn’t said a kind word to her sister since she arrived at Seattle Grace.  And after that fact settles on Meredith, she decides she has to give Lexie the painful truth about her mother.  Meredith has been so cold to Lexie – in Lexie’s mind at least – that it’s even got her to wondering about the level of care that Susan may have received on the last day of her life.  And that scene where Meredith sits down with Lexie and starts to lay out the facts of her mom’s death – where we see Lexie finally getting the painful truth – well, let’s just say it’s one of my favorite scenes in the show.

A couple of my other favorite scenes involve Izzie and Charlie.  Shonda said she wanted Grey’s to go in a happier, lighter direction this year.  And I think this story was the kind of thing she had in mind.  A patient who wants to die, is in fact DETERMINED to die and…it’s funny and kinda heartbreaking.  And here’s a behind the scenes tidbit.  We hired the actor Jack Axelrod to be Old Guy last year.  The idea was that his room would be the place where our interns could occasionally go to study or eat.  We put Jack in a semi-coma so our gang would essentially have their own private lunch room/study hall. 

During the course of last season, we used Jack to lie in the bed and, well…just lie in the bed.  And he closed his eyes and he would shift in bed, make an occasional mouth sound and he was very good at it.  When we decided to wake him up from his year long sleep, we knew Jack was a professional actor, we just weren’t sure how good a professional actor he’d be.  At least I wasn’t.  But, my God, he was a TERRIFIC actor.  I LOVED him sparring with Izzie.  He was funny and ornery and straightforward and yet compassionate as Charlie.  Especially when it came to telling Izzie the painful truth.  That married men will string you along.  That they’re not always in the habit of telling you the truth.  And as much as Izzie didn’t want to hear what Charlie had to say, she came to appreciate him, even seek him out.  He became her friend.  And frankly, Jack was so good in the part that for a brief, fleeting moment, we even thought maybe we should keep him around.  But in the interest of good storytelling, we just couldn’t.  Which really kinda hurt…

Then there’s the subject of their sparring.  George.  Who starts out determined to tell Callie the painful truth about himself and Izzie but his interaction with Connie and her friends – sometimes the truth can be TOO painful – makes him reconsider, then finally dive in and tell Callie that he slept with Izzie.  Wait until you see him deal with the consequences of that next week.  Allan Heinberg wrote a very funny, very moving episode.  So even if you missed this episode, tune in to that one!  It’s great!

Mark and Derek also trade truths with each other.  Mark has to remind Derek about the truth of his relationship with Meredith.  That maybe he’s fooling himself and she won’t ever be all whole.  And Derek returns the truth-telling favor when he scolds Mark and the Chief for being foolhardy in trying a way too experimental surgery on Connie.  Although, he softens the blow in that same scene when he reminds the Chief to tell Adele the truth about why he wants to move back in.  That he misses her, that she’s all he can think about, etc.  Which is, truth be told, vintage McDreamy.

Finally, we get to see Bailey give our big truth-teller, Alex, the truth.  That there’s a reason we don’t listen to interns – it’s dangerous.  And then if finally falls to Alex to unload on the world’s oldest intern, Norman.  Ed Hermann is great in the part (wait until you see him next week, he’s hysterical).  Ed plays Norman as nice and avuncular and such a sweet soul.  However, despite his advanced age, the truth is Norman has a lot to learn.  After all, he’s still an intern. 

And, as we’ve discovered over the last three seasons, what can be more painful than that?

Debora Cahn on "Love/Addiction"...

Addiction.  Who doesn’t love a good addiction?  I know I do.  You try something.  You like it.  You try it again.  You build a little ritual around it, make it a special part of your day.  You tell time by it.  “Must be noon, cause I’m jonesing for another cup of my special English tea!”  or  “I know it’s morning cause I’m awake and ready for a hit of crystal meth!”

DON’T DO METH, KIDS.

See, here’s the thing:  anything can be addictive.  And it’s not always easy to spot when something slips down that slippery slope from experiment to habit to addiction.  Derek and Meredith thought they’d ended it.  Cold turkey.  White knuckle.  Over.  So over.  Well, it wasn’t totally over.  There was a bit of a hang-over.  A little no-strings-attached sex.  Just for old times sake.  No harm, no foul.  But the thing is, there is harm.  Derek doesn’t like it.  He wants to talk.  He wants to sleep over.  He wants lunch, with the woman he loved, or loves, or has some impossible to define love related interaction with.  He’s settling for just the sex, cause that’s all she’s willing to indulge.  But that’s only hurting him.  It’s just enough of the drug to keep him hooked.  Never enough to satisfy him, only enough to make him want more.  And he knows.  He knows he’s got a problem, but he can’t walk away.

Love.  It’s like crystal meth. 

DON’T DO METH.

Even Callie’s strung out.  Callie, who always seemed stronger than the rest of them.  More together.  Less at the mercy of her emotions.  Sure, George’s on-again, off-again interest, his loosey goosey commitment made her kind of nuts, but she always seemed like she was handling it.  Now she’s walking around the hospital like a crazy person.  Falling down on the job, which she NEVER does.  Unable to concentrate on anything other than the sneaking suspicion that her husband’s having an affair.  She knows it, in her heart she can’t deny it.  But she can’t face it either.  She’s in a marriage that’s destroying her, and her husband’s about to come clean and maybe put them both out of their misery, but she can’t let him do it.  She can’t let him say it.  She’d rather be a strung out junkie than deal with the pain of withdrawal.

That’s a pretty serious drug.

BUT NOT AS SERIOUS AS CRYSTAL METH, WHICH YOU REALLY SHOULDN’T DO.

I watched this documentary on crystal meth.  The fabulous Stacy McKee saw this documentary called “Montana Meth” right when we were starting to put together this story, and she told me to watch it, and EEEEW.  Meth is a nasty drug, and it makes you do nasty, gnarly things, like trade sex with people who don’t shower for a hit that doesn’t even make you feel good, and all sorts of other things that I don’t even want to get into.  I watched it with my 15 year-old niece, figured I’d do a little, “I’m your cool aunt and I’ll show you this documentary on meth and scare you away from drugs” and I’m a little worried that I traumatized her for life.  Meth is foul.  Don’t do meth.

And don’t get into relationships with people who can’t handle them.  Don’t you just want to shake Derek and Callie?  Don’t you want to shake them and say, “These people keep telling you they can’t give you what you want – believe them!”  But shaking them wouldn’t help.  Because they’re addicted.  They can’t walk away even when they want to. 

Maybe it’s okay.  Maybe you can’t avoid addiction, all you can do is pick your poison.  Special English tea is better than meth, and love’s better than special English tea.  It may put you through the ringer sometimes, but when it’s good, it’s really really good.  Worth coming back to, time and time again.  Worth getting hooked on.

Shonda on the Season Premiere Episode "A Change Is Gonna Come"...

Original Airdate: 9-27-07

So…change.

Change is good.  Change is everything.

Change is also what’s in the stomach of that guy who can’t stop eating weird crap.

Welcome to Season Four.  SEASON FOUR.  I can’t believe we made it this far.  We’re proud to have made it this far.  Let me tell you, Season Three was not easy for anybody and we’re glad to have it behind us.  It’s all new dawn, new day over here and people are happy as freaking pie about it.

The interns are residents now, with interns of their own.  Except for George, poor George, who is stuck repeating his intern year.  He’s a repeater.  And it’s not easy being a repeater.  It pretty much sucks being a repeater.  He’s the only who hasn’t gone through any change when we begin the episode.  But by the end, he has.  He tells Izzie that he loves her too.  Which takes guts.  Because he knows what he is getting into.  He’s a married man, he’s a married man with a great wife, and he never intended to be a married man who loved another woman.  Man, is he in for some change.

I’ve been reading the boards.  I know how a lot of y’all feel about the George/Izzie of it all.  But stay tuned because it gets really interesting.  And funny.  And sad.  And I’m pretty sure what comes is unexpected.

Meredith and Derek are “broken up” by the end of this first episode.  But what does that really mean?  Especially when break up means break up sex?  Are they really apart?  Poor Meredith can’t quite deal with all that is expected of her in this relationship but they love each other, they really truly love each other and so…how much can they really be broken up?

I gotta say, I’m really rooting for the two of them to make it.  For Meredith to get her act together and learn to trust someone.  Someone other than Cristina.  Whom she honeymooned with. 

That was my favorite detail.  That Meredith and Cristina went on Cristina’s honeymoon together.  Because that is so exactly what my best friends and I would have done (my best friends are named Cristina and Debbie – they are my Cristina and Izzie) if I had been left at the altar by a spectacular heart surgeon on the day of my wedding.  We would have gone on that honeymoon and tried to have a good time.  We would have been fine.  Which is what Cristina is – fine.  Or she’s trying to be.  Fine.  But she’s not.  She’s not fine and we know she’s not fine because when she’s looking at the internally decapitated man and his family all together at the end, she’s devastated. 

Bailey.  I love her.  And I love that she’s not at ALL about to let the Chief off the hook for not making her Chief Resident.  After all, she’s BAILEY.  She’s worked hard, she’s been the best.  And isn’t it just like the Chief to decide what is best for her?  It’s his flaw, the Chief.  He’s an old school man and like an old school man, he’s taking care of his women.  Whether they like it or not.  Whether they want to be taken care of or not.  This isn’t gonna be an easy pill for Bailey to swallow…

But my most favorite thing about this episode?  Mark and Derek kinda making up.  That moment when Mark professes his “intentions” to Derek about why he came to Seattle is priceless.  And charming.  And a little bit sweet.   They were the very best of friends, these two.  They grew up together.  So it’s so true that they would go back to being friends in the absence of Addison…

Addison, by the way, is living her life over on Wednesday nights.  It’s a good life.  And I’m not saying you should check it out.  But…you should check it out.

Back to Seattle:  Lexie Grey is here now.  And she’s here to stay.  I love that she’s a bit of a dork.  Being a dork myself, I am fond of the girls with verbal diarrhea.  Because it’s not easy to keep all your words in – believe me.  It’s the reason I identify so much with Callie.  Poor Callie.  She’s got a lot of unpleasant stuff heading her way in the coming weeks.  Things she never imagined she would have to go through.  But the one thing she will never do is keep silent.

Okay, this blog was late and now, it’s short.  But that’s because I have to get back to writing scripts for the show…

Thank you for watching.  I mean that.  We mean that.  All of us over here at Grey’s mean it.  We’re staring at a new dawn, new day but that doesn’t mean we aren’t grateful to every single one of you for watching…