Allan Heinberg on "The Heart of the Matter" ...

Original Airdate: 10-18-07

Not long ago, one of my smartest and most soulful friends found herself in the middle of a brutal divorce at exactly the same time my own ten-year relationship imploded.  We were both wrecked by the experience, but we got each other through it by convincing ourselves and each other that with enough time and therapy, we’d one day be able to let go of the all-consuming self-righteousness and rage we still felt toward our exes (who deserved it) and move on with our lives.  But a year and a half later, it still wasn’t happening.  We were angrier and bitterer and really tired of being single.  That’s when my smart, soulful and now impatient friend told me she’d figured it out.  “I have to forgive him,” she said.  “I’m never going to be able to move on until I forgive him.”  And I knew she was right.  I had to find a way to forgive my ex, too.  But how?  I mean, even if I was finally able to let go of all my anger and be grateful for the ten years we had together, how was I supposed to get in touch with him after sixteen months of terrible silence and say, “I forgive you”?  What the hell does he care if I’ve forgiven him.  He’s probably already moved on with his life.  He probably doesn’t even think he needs my stupid forgiveness.

So what did I do?  I did what most television writers do when they need the answer to one of life’s unanswerable questions:  I wrote a GREY’S ANATOMY episode about forgiveness and hoped to learn a little something along the way.

So, the subject of forgiveness:

George cheated on Callie.  He did.  He didn’t mean to exactly -- after all, George has proven himself to be a principled, loving person in the past -- but in a moment of angry, drunken weakness, he fell into bed with his best friend and apparently fell in love with her, too.  And then -- as if that wasn’t bad enough -- George lied to Callie about it.  For a long time.  And when he did finally tell Callie about his infidelity, he didn’t say he was in love with Izzie.  He told her he’d slept with her.  Maybe because he didn’t want to hurt Callie any more than he already had.  Or perhaps because he was hoping she’d be the one to end the marriage so he wouldn’t have to?  But that’s not what happened.  Instead George got the one response he’d never even considered.  Callie forgave him.  For Callie, that’s what you do when you love someone -- especially when you’ve made a lifelong commitment to someone -- you forgive him.  No matter what.  That’s what love’s about, right? 

So Callie forgave George.  And George suddenly found himself paralyzed -- unable to move in any direction -- until it became clear in that moment of near violence with her patient’s boyfriend that Callie, in fact, did not forgive George.  In spite of her best efforts, she’d been hurt, betrayed, and publicly humiliated to the point where forgiveness was impossible.  And she certainly had no forgiveness in her heart for Izzie -- even though Izzie seems to have finally realized that, although she and George may be the star-crossed heroes of their own love story, in Callie’s story, they're the bad guys.

Richard’s story also turns on the question of forgiveness.  As much as he still loves Adele -- and wants to stay married to her -- he cannot allow his feelings for her to dictate the way he fulfills his responsibilities as a physician.  Which has always been the conflict in their marriage.  And which -- in the context of Camille’s life or death decision -- Adele ultimately deems unforgivable.

As for Camille, keen-eyed GREY’S ANATOMY viewers will notice that the role is now being played by the brilliant Camille Winbush.  (If you’ve seen THE BERNIE MAC SHOW, you’ll recognize her instantly as Vanessa, Bernie’s sane, sharp-tongued niece.)  When the incredible Tessa Thompson, who originated the role of Camille, wasn’t available, we were fortunate indeed that Camille was able to step into part at the last minute with such extraordinary grace, intelligence, and heart.  I know cast changes are jarring, but Camille’s performance is so beautiful and so strong, I’m hoping you’ll forgive us.

In fact, forgiveness figures prominently in nearly all our characters’ stories.  Cristina forgives Lexie for being an intern.  Lexie forgives Cristina for being the new Nazi.  Mrs. Bitzer forgives Meredith and Norman when their carelessness makes her Icelandic dreams come true.  But for me the most remarkable act of forgiveness comes from Derek.

As a GREY’S writer, the question I’m most often asked (by parents, siblings, friends, and agents) is “Why aren’t Meredith and Derek together?”  Especially since Addison is gone and there don’t seem to be any concrete obstacles standing in their way.  “Why,” they ask, “can’t those two just stop whining and get together and be happy for a change?”   And most of the time when people share their feelings on the subject, it’s poor Meredith who gets the blame.  She has issues.  She’s dark and twisty.  She’s self-destructive and can’t allow herself even a single moment’s happiness.  But I don’t think that’s entirely accurate or fair.  After all, Derek lied at the beginning of their relationship by not revealing he was married.  And then when Addison showed up at Seattle Grace, he left Meredith and went back to her.  So, I can understand why Meredith has trust issues with Derek.

But in terms of why they’re not together now, the most compelling analysis comes from Mark Sloan (and it’s a remarkable testament to the power of forgiveness that Mark and Derek’s friendship has survived to this point) when he observes that Meredith is essentially still an intern.  She’s just starting out -- as a physician and as an adult -- whereas Derek’s life and career are firmly established.  He knows exactly who he is and what he wants -- and he’s ready to settle down.  He’s ready to get married and build Meredith a house and have kids with her and grow old with her.  And I’m sorry, but Meredith just isn’t there yet.  Nor should she be.  She’s a second year intern who’s only now coming to terms with who she is and what she wants to be.

Meredith and Derek love each other -- they do -- they may even be each other’s soul mates -- but right now they’re at vastly different points in their lives.  It’s no one’s fault.  It’s just a fact.  And by the end of the episode when Derek gets on the elevator, I think he finally sees and accepts Meredith for who she truly is -- regardless of whether or not she’s able to give him what he wants in that moment.  He simply loves her.  In spite of everything that’s gone before and no matter what happens next.

Which seems to me to be what forgiveness is really about:  acceptance.  Letting go of the hurt feelings -- or more precisely the ego blows -- we experience when our lives -- and the people in our lives -- don’t behave the way we want them to.  Which, let’s face it, is most of the time.  But if we can somehow recognize and accept ourselves and others for who we are -- without judgment -- those “hurt feelings” fade away and are replaced by what feels a lot like forgiveness.  At least that’s what happened with me and my ex.

Thanks for watching.  And for reading.

-- Allan Heinberg

Comments

[Erin]

Seriously great episode! It's like Grey's is getting back to the Grey's of it all now.

Seriously.

[teds]

AMAZING BLOG, mr. heinberg.. maybe even better than the actual episode... and it was a GRRREAAT episode.

the rawest and most bittersweet concept in this whole episode of forgiveness is, i think,the HONESTY. i mean, for yoiu to be accepting, you have to have something REAL to accept first right? ..from there, you realize that in most situations, there IS no fault. no blame. and maybe, that's the hardest part to accept. that YOU played your own big part too in all that went wrong. ..but i digress..

honesty. that's what derek had that callie didn't. that's why derek has, actually, forgiven.

[Loved Tonight]

Loved tonight's episode, first one in a long while. I'm sure that Derek will be crucified on the boards and in this blog, but I absolutely loved it. I was thrilled to see him speak up for what he wants in life. He understands that they are in different life stages, he was honest, he was caring. Most will hate him (and maybe you :) )for it but I wanted to thank you for writing it, it was a fantastic scene and Patrick Dempsey delivered it perfectly. He loves Meredith but also wants his life's dreams. Just because you love someone doesn't mean it always works out. Not even on TV. Beautifully done!

Loved Alex in this episode.
Loved Callie - Sara Ramirez was amazing tonight in every scene.

I am enjoying the friendship between Derek and Mark. Its nice to see a male friendship on the show and a nice change from the romantic storylines. Hoping this continues throughout the season.

Overall a wonderful episode. Thank you for it and for the thoughtful blog.

[Kristina]

I love you.

Haha you actually GET MerDer. Which I didnt think ANY of the writers actually did anymore. But you do. And you, with this episode and more so with the blog, have restored a little faith in the show for me. I was SO CLOSE to giving up on the show (I prob would have all ready but P Demp is really hard to say no to). But now I have some faith to go on. So thanks...I really didnt want to give up.

[RSJ]

Bring Addison Back....
Please!

[Janet]

Thank you Allan for explaining Meredith. No matter how much you try (and believe me, she's my favorite character) I try, some ere just NEVER gonna get her.

She's such a fantastic character and McDreamy is NOT all that great sometimes people. It isn't always her fault for everything.

[Marley]

Dear Allan,
I'm THRILLED by tonight's episode, this was really the one I was waiting for for quite a long time!

I was excited for the Izzie Callie fight and now I feel sorry for Callie, because I was excited. I knew it was not going to happen that would be just an humiliation, but yay, you brought Callie back. The Callie I care about. The missunderstood Callie, who's supposed to kick Izzie's ass but doesn't, cuz she's not like that. She's a good girl.

And holy crap, she forgave George and Izzie turns out to be a mistake. Which makes me feel sorry for Izzie, but still. She forgave George who didn't even want her to forgive him in the first place. I think it's good for George and Izzie to try all over again.
Izzie obviously has Alex, kind of. You brought Alex back too, even though it's mean, it was great to hear what he said about George because that was just what Alex would say. Alex and Izzie. Alex and Izzie. Sort of.

And Meredith and Derek. That was almost a proposal. Seriously. I couldn't breathe for a second. That was a Mer Der moment, how I truly love them not even being a ultra big MerDer Fan.

You even brought the Chief back, I almost forgot him during the last episodes.

This episode was soo intense. And his niece was there, the one from the Denny episode.

And I still like Lexie, she's awesome and funny.

And I came to like the new intern (who still kind of seems to remind me too much of Rory's Grandpa but still) he's much less annoying now and even seemed kinda cute trying to get the "grey's slang"...I mean, seriously! He rocks my socks.

I liked the patients, too, today.

But to summarize, what I was gonna say is THANKS for bringing Callie back, I like her again.

And THANKS for the nicely written episode, I hope you are fine now.

(I know I forgot something but it's late...)

[sophie]

"Which seems to me to be what forgiveness is really about: acceptance. Letting go of the hurt feelings -- or more precisely the ego blows -- we experience when our lives -- and the people in our lives -- don’t behave the way we want them to. Which, let’s face it, is most of the time. But if we can somehow recognize and accept ourselves and others for who we are -- without judgment -- those “hurt feelings” fade away and are replaced by what feels a lot like forgiveness. At least that’s what happened with me and my ex."

gosh..it's like you're talking to me..i'm also not talking to my ex because of some stupid things he did to me..guess that's what i should do too..accept him for who he is and accept the fact that people don't always act the way we want them to..this is probably the most difficult thing to do that's why a lot of people just can't forgive.oh..i hope eveything goes well with you and your ex..and i'm hoping i can be able to do the same pretty soon..

really great blog..and even though i haven't watched the episode yet..i know it's good..

[Nicole]

Derek is an jerk. Yea, I said it. No matter what Shonda thinks, Derek is no McDreamy. So he wants to marry her and have kids with her...until someone better comes along? WHO SAYS THAT? Derek talks in circles and it's getting old. I'm at the point where I want Meredith to heal and then just say screw Derek. He doesn't love her unconditionally...and that does not a McDreamy make.

[Brigette]

This was the best episode of the season thus far, and one of the best episodes of the entire series. You guys were right last week when you said this week's episode was very funny and very moving- it was the perfect blend.

The scene stealing moment was when Callie lost it with that patient- I was covering my face with part of my hand and making exasperated sounds! Poor Callie, trying to be strong and push through something that is IMPOSSIBLE to push through. I am a HUGE Gizzie-shipper, but I love Callie and I really feel for her. She needs to get OUT of this relationship once and for all and take care of HERSELF!

This episode left me completely wired. HOW am I suppose to wait until next week?! How am I supposed to sleep?!

AH!

P.S. Like Mary, I listen to your podcast too, Shonda and Betsey! It's a great thing to listen to while doing something horrible and boring, like you know, cleaning the fridge. My environment is cleaner b/c of you guys. :)

[Melissa]

Ok. Great Episode! I loved it. it filled in all kinds of grey spots. Alex still has a little feelings for Izzie, or he wouldnt have brought up their kiss. Right? BUT if he truley loved her like he loves Ava, he would have been there for her from the beginning. From the time she told him she slept with George. He would have held her and and et her know it was ok. But he had to be a jerk about it. But him giving her kleenex.. that shows he has some sympathy.

Now, I am a HUGE Gizzie fan. (Georgeisnotawhore)
I loved how George was running through the hospital looking for Izzie in the beginning. He wanted to tell Izzie so bad about him telling Callie.. But she did it anyways. And made a fool out of her self. Now, I admit Izzie made a fool of her self too, in the cafeteria.. But she didnt know what to expect.. a fight or not.. all of the other doctors expected a fight too.. The bets and stuff...But I respect Izzie alot. I would fight for love too.

MerDer.. I just recently started feeling the spark between these two... And tonight.. there was definatly a spark. Der loves her. He just wants a commetment. He wants a wife. He wants children. FOR GOD SAKES!!! GIVE HIM A LIFE!!! And make mer love him too!! They need happieness!!

Now, Cristina.. She was rude... She had no right to treat Lexie like that. She is supposed to TEACH her. And call her by her name. not 3.

And I loved Camille. I hardly noticed (acting wise) that she was different. She was amazing on Grey's tonight!!

Writers, KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK!!

[jessicafreels]

Hate Gizzie
Love Alex's reaction
Love Love LOVE Sloane
Love Callie and her hurt, and was mortified by her humilliation. I was kinda hoping she'd call Izzie whore. No woman likes that.
And of course...Mc Dreamy is still hot...But I wanted Christina to point out to him...he can't make up for what he doesn't have with Merideth by being nice to Lexie. Lexie worries me. She's just naieve enough to think she can get through this on her own. Im waiting for thatcher to come through the door.

[??]

i feel like the show is more concerned with fitting everything together with a tidy theme- this week "forgiveness" and hurting the authenticity of relating to the character's struggles. i also hate what you've done to the mer/der storyline, in particular. i doesn't feel believable. if i died and was revived and my mother died, and the only person i had in my life was this georgeous man professing his love.. i wouldn't be crying over old daddy/commitment issues- but instead embracing and appreciating the loving support of this man.

[Missy]

Thank you, Allan, for understanding Meredith's trust issues with Derek. Sometimes viewers forget how much Derek hurt her. Through S3 and S4 so far, I really haven't seen Derek realizes how much he's hurt Meredith. He finally understands her Mommy not wanting her and Daddy being a coward, but he has not acknowledged what damage he has caused her yet. Until that happens, I don't think he deserves to expect the marriage, kids and house and lifetime with her. He'll hurt her again. Many of us focus on Meredith's flaws and growth, but I'd like to see Derek grow too. If he was the grown-up I expect him to be, at the end of the "McDreamy" speech, he would have said that she was the only one he could think of to do those things with, and he'd help her grow to believe in it, because he was partially at fault in destroying what she had believed until his wife showed up. Speaking of his wife, I don't get that Derek is so ready to settle after eleven years of failed marriage. Wouldn't he be more cautious this time, especially with someone he considers as the "love of his life"?

[Ann]

No wonder Patrick and Ellen diss the writing on this show and are frustrated.

Alan's line to Izzy fits here. "I'm embarrassed for you."

Lets hope they buy their contracts out and go to a better network and show that knows how to write an adult couple in thier 30's and 40's.

The only thing Greys knows how to do is screw and jerk their viewers around.

[Sharon]

If Derek moves on, Meredith better NEVER ever take him back.

EVER again. They would be dead. There's no returning from him leaving her once again for another woman.

It would not be love.

Real love is unconditional. Not what Derek is doing.

[Katelyn]

This episode was just beyond brilliant. They keep getting better and better every week!!

I loved everything about this episode!! I am completely freaking out right now because well.. it was just an entirely amazing episode and it conveyed every possible emotion. The humor was phenominal and I really felt like the old Greys we all loved is back.

I really love that Cristina seemed to take to heart what Derek said about her being selfish and needing to learn how to be a good teacher. Because I thought she was being a real jerk to Lexie throughout this episode. I loved that Lexie stood up to Cristina and told her that her name was Lexie, or Grey.. not 3 :)

I loved every conversation between Alex and Izzie. It was good that you portrayed how this affected him. it was cute in the end when he went and brought her the kleenex :)

Norman. Goooood old Norman.. He was just hysterical tonight. i was laughing so hard watching how he interacted with meredith and the patient.

Mark made a good point to Derek when he said Meredith was still an intern. It was completely true. and Derek let that get to him. it seems like he is always letting what Mark says get to him. which in this case, was not necessarily a bad thing. i actually thought it was really good. I also really liked how Mark calls Meredith an intern and then she ends up saying that she is a resident and takes all the blame for misdiagnosing a patient. our girl is definitely progressing and growing and moving in a positive direction and i LOVE it!!

I have to admit i was adament about the whole "weekend get-away" and i thought that Meredith was going to be the one to find a way to get out of it, but i was definitely wrong. it was DEREK. seriously? wow. that one shocked me.

Before i go on to discuss the amazingness of the mer/der in this episode, i have to say.. CALLIE WAS AMAZING!! i thought she just rocked in tonights episode. i loved what she said to Izzie because it was so true. and i have been getting really sick of Izzie lately. which is saying a lot because I used to absolutely LOVE her! quite frankly i am so sick of Gizzie. i cannot stand them together. i loved them as best friends. but together and all couple-y. it just isnt working. George.. well i have to say i loved him in this episode. and i liked what he said to Callie in the end. because he was right.. she cant just forgive him and pretend like nothing happened. it will be interesting to see how he handles this, and what happens with them.

Meredith and Derek. WOW. i was completely speechless after hearing Derek's speech. it was so beautiful and romantic and just PERFECT. and Patrick Dempsey is such an amazing actor. He portrays his emotions SO well through his eyes. and i love that! i know a lot of people are upset about the derek saying "and what if i meet someone else who can give me all the things i want from you etc. etc".. well i for one am very hopeful. i may just be on a derek speech high but i think this is so great for them. Meredith NEEDED to hear Derek say this. she NEEDED to know that he does understand her. that he gets her. and he is willing to wait. and by him putting it out there that someone else could come along and give him the things she cant right now.. that is just being realistic. because lets face it.. the man is mcdreamy and the reality that someone else can offer him what she cant right now is something that could happen. do i want it to happen? NO. but if you are going to bring in this new love interest for Derek then i want it to be a wake up call for Meredith. i would love to see her fight for Derek. we know Derek loves Meredith. we know that no matter who he dates he will ALWAYS love Meredith, but what we dont see much of is reassurance that Meredith LOVES Derek. i understand her hesitation to trust Derek again because lets face it, the man may be mcdreamy but he is not perfect and he made mistakes that caused Meredith to lose her trust in him. i truly believe she does love him, but i would love to hear her say it to him. overall i am very hopeful about merder and i really feel like a ton of great progress is being made with them this season. i love how things are being handled with them and i cannot wait to see things progress and imrpove even more!!

Basically i am completely in love with this entire episode. everything about it was just PERFECT!!

[dave]

looove the episdoe. loooove your blog. thanks!

[Tami from Tampa]

It was a great episode tonight. I loved the Mer/Der revelation...but like everyone else I hated the last line of Derek's speech. It was just so shallow -- all of those beautiful words and sentiments and then he casually throws in "unless someone else comes along". Of course that means someone WILL.

For the love of God, they all work in a hospital and no one has ever suggested that maybe Meredith might benefit from a little psychiatric help? She is the most broken person on the show...and her misery is getting a little old.

I really fell into the whole Izzie/George love affair until I saw it play out tonight. Now their little tryst seems foolish, selfish and so NOT like love. George is a loose cannon since he lost his father and he just keeps burying himself further and further with all of his knee jerk reactions. Again, another character who needs counseling -- STAT!! Here is an idea -- bring in a hot new Psychiatrist )male or female) to stir the pot and help some of these miserable, broken doctors.

In spite of myself I am starting to like Lexie. Please, for the love of all that is holy, do not put her with Derek. I will turn off the show and never watch it again. My one problem with her is that she was out picking up guys in a bar so quickly after her mom dropped dead. She is all hung up on Meredith, Merdith, Meredith...but no word about her mom and that pain. It doesn't fit.

Please find something for Christina to do besides be a bitch. Geez...

I am liking the Mark/Derek friendship finally mending. They seem to be good for each other.

The Chief was also amazing tonight. Tough spot he was in but he did the right thing. I think Adele should just leave the Chief if all she is going to do is torture him over all the disappointment she has had in their marriage. If you are that mad and hurt, just move on.

As usual, Bailey is the only sane person on the show. I hope she is heading toward a good place in her career instead of being Seattle Grace's babysitter. And Callie needs to resign from the new position she has...she is too much of a mess to do that job right now. Bailey was made for the job...those interns NEED Bailey.

I loved Alex. His role is always small but so powerful.

So far so good this season...keep up the good work! You have won me back over!

[Linda]

I really loved the episode and felt very bad for Callie, that said I want George and Izzie together more than ever. What they did might have been wrong, although Callie getting a grieving George to elope was not that good either, but their love for each othr definitely is not wrong. They do need some karma but when that is over, I want them togetehr and happy!

[Tia]

Great acting by TR, Katherine and Sara in this, I feel bad for the three of them, they all did bad things but none of them are bad people, sometimes love makes you do crazy things.

I have thought George and Izzie belonged together for a long long time and I am really hoping we get sme good scenes wit them soon, us Gizzie fans have waited a long long time and while I think this story is so much better told than the MerDer Addie horror, I think you are dragging it too much.

I want George to tell Callie he loves Izzie and I want them together.

As for Alex, he so got on my nerves with his little put-down on George, grow the hell up Alex and get over yourself!

[B]

Allan that was a great episode! Soo much stuff happened in just one hour I love those kind of episodes. The part where Derek said unless someone else comes along...well that just broke my heart, but of course it will have me glued to the tv for more!

[JJ]

Woe, tonight was so heartbreaking. I have to say though I feel bad for Callie, she did marry a man she knew didn't love ehr and she married him when he was very vulnerable, always felt like she took advantage to me. I do feel bad because she loves George so much, but then so does Izzie and George loves Izzie. I know it will be tough and not easy but in the end, I am totally rooting for George and Izzie to be together the right way this time.

This reminds me of John, Marlena and Roman, three good people ad when Marlena and John committed adultery, it was hurtful to so any people but their love was real and in the end, everyone came to realize the true love they shared.

I loved Izzie's answer to Alex, se fell in love and love is not about looks or anything, you dio not choose who you fall in love with, but to me George and Izzie ar the most natural thing on Earth.

[Neela]

Thanks for your explanations on Gizzie and Callie, a lot of us Gizzie fans had speculated George did not say he loved Izzie to spare Callie further hurt and that he wanted Callie to throw him out without having to do it himself.

So it is good to see we were right.

Also, glad to see you acknowledge this is a love story. The circumstances might be bad and hurtful and a mess, it is a messy messy love but there is no doubt in my mind George and Izzie loe each other, which is why I want them so much to make it. What they have is real and worth fighting for.

I did wish we had some Gizzie scenes this week but I understood it was about George and Izzie realizing how much they had hurt Callie.

I adore the two and am glad you are showing their gult because you never did for MerDer and it made me hate them. George and Izzie are good people who would never hurt someone on purpose, but they did. And they should feel abd.

They should but then they should prove this hurt they caused Callie was not for nothing, because if they leave each other, it will have been, and they should get together with all their friends knowing and without the lies this time.

I want all three of them to be happy. George and Callie were never good together, they had an unhealthy relationship, so I want Callie t learn to love herself and not hold on so tight to someone she never had, and I want George and Izzie together.

As for Alex, his constant looking down on George is so irritating, George is worth a million of him any day. Must have been quite a blow to his fragile little ego that izzie fell so in love with George when Alex was always just sex to her.

[Lacey]

Callie should go visit Addison in California. Just sayin.