Krista Vernoff on life, death, and "Six Days, Part 2"

Original Airdate: 1-18-07

The card at the end of this hour of TV that read “In memory of Bob Verne” was a tribute to my father. He died six years ago at the age of 56 after a very short battle with esophageal cancer. He called me one day at my office at Charmed and told me he thought he had the flu. A week after that he had surgery on a massive tumor at the base of his esophagus.   Before the surgery he was laughing and celebrating with family. He had a profoundly positive attitude. After the surgery, he had a massive scar down his belly and was intubated and pale, and upon seeing him,  I, who thought of myself as quite strong and educated and capable of handling that moment, started to shake and then hyperventilate and had to be helped out of the room.   

During the week we waited for him to recover, we learned that kidney function was of the utmost importance and I became obsessed, absolutely obsessed with his urine output. I checked that urine bag like 50 times a day. 

At one point, the doctors gathered the family to tell us that my Dad had a kink in his breathing tube and that they might not be able to get a new one in. They told us we needed to prepare ourselves for the possibility that this was it. We stood out in the hallway and waited, holding our breath, terrified. There was another family there in the hallway, the family of a 16 year old boy who’d been shot on the street on his way home from work in what was feared to be gang related violence, though his family insisted that he was a good kid, that he wasn’t in any gang. They were as scared as we were as they waited for news of condition. We talked to them for awhile, made small talk, then fell silent. And after a long, pregnant pause, one of the teenagers of the family looked over at a member of my family with a very disturbed look on his face. And then he said “Dang. Somebody just farted. And I think it’s this old white guy right here.” My family laughed harder than we have ever laughed in our lives.  And my dad lived through the reintubation.

He lived for three more days. 

When the surgeon sat us down to tell us that it was time to let him go, he explained that Dad had come to him – behind our backs – on his way into the OR actually – and begged him to proceed with the tumor removal no matter what. My Dad believed, truly believed, that he could fight that caner, that he could live, if only they would remove the tumor.  The surgeon did as he wished. And I have yet to completely forgive that surgeon for that decision. Because my dad’s body was riddled with cancer. Plus he had a liver condition and a heart condition. There was pretty much no way for him to recover from a surgery that traumatic. And the surgeon knew that. I believe in forgiveness, I do. I’m a fervent and avid believer that resentment, unchecked, leads to illness and spiritual misery. But I also believe that that surgeon cut my dad in half because he wanted the practice. It wasn’t the right call. He knew better. My Dad didn’t. The scene in which George yells at Bailey and Richard – that scene didn’t happen in my life. Writing and shooting that scene was wish fulfillment for me. What happened in my life is, we went into my Dad’s ICU and put our hands on his body and sang him Beatles songs while the nurses turned off the machines.  When they pulled the intubation tubes from his mouth, my sister and I put our faces to his mouth so we could feel the last of his breath.  And then he died. And I became a member of the Dead Dad’s club.

I know you didn’t want us to kill Mr. O’Malley. Believe me, I know that. He was funny and warm and kind and too young and too happy to die, just like my Dad.   He had children and a wife who loved him and needed him, just like my Dad.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes, surgery sucks. (By the way, because Bailey and Richard are Bailey and Richard, I don’t think they did what they did for anything but the highest reasons. I believe they were persuaded by Mr. O’Malley’s plea. I believe they felt they had a responsibility to honor his wishes even if they thought it was the wrong decision. But still, sometime surgeons and surgery suck.) It’s been hard for me sometimes to work on a show that by its very nature idealizes Western medicine and surgery. I believe in both, but only as a last resort.  Because I fervently believe (and statistics support) that surgery often does more harm than good.   So, one of the reasons I haven’t written an episode since 302 is because I called dibs on this one. I knew which story I wanted to tell.

I’m sorry it was so hard to watch – but I believe that where there is darkness there is light. I believe that from death comes life. I believe that in the face of great pain, families become closer. Friendships become deeper. Life becomes sweeter. And I believe it’s important to be reminded of the loss of love so that we will value and honor the love we have while have it.

I hope you do that.

I hope, that if you were impacted by this episode, you will use it as inspiration to call your Dad or your Mom or a Grandparent or a sibling or a friend or a teacher and thank them for being in your life and tell them what they mean to you.

If you weren’t impacted by this episode, and you just want to write me hate mail that’s okay too. That’s your choice. We all get one life to live. Or, maybe we get reincarnated a lot of times, I don’t know. But like Burke, in my experience science isn’t enough. For me it’s about faith. Some kind of faith.  Any kind of faith.

So maybe, while you’re calling your families or sending me hate mail, I’ll put forth a little effort and try, once again, to forgive my Dad’s surgeon…

All my best,  Krista   

(p.s. those of you who keep writing and begging for dirty, gratuitous Mer/Der sex? I have one word for you: porny. You have porny, porny minds. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing… : ) 

(p.s.s. Aren’t you glad little baby Laura is okay? I am. Because as you know I’m expecting a daughter on March 17th. And another thing that’s hard for me about our show is that by necessity, we tell a lot of traumatic baby stories and birth stories.  I read a book that helped me undo a lot of the fear those stories had instilled in me – it’s called “A Guide to Childbirth” by Ina May Gaskin. If you’re pregnant or know someone who’s pregnant or are thinking of ever getting pregnant, you should read it. It’s so so so great. Okay, now I’m really done. Bye.)

Comments

[Esther]

Thank you for another great episode. It was really hard to watch but what I love most about this show is that even when something awful happens in it you end on a higher note. I'm so sorry that you lost your dad to cancer. I have lost too many people to the disease and I understand what it is like. It takes guts to write a story that was somewhat based on your own experiences and the episode was stronger for that. Thanks again,
Esther
PS: Thanks for that Addy/Alex kiss! It made my night.

[Jade from Australia]

Oh Krista - that was beautifully written and what a tribute to your father. he would be proud and honored I'm sure.
We lost my father in law to the same cancer 3 years ago... it never giets easier for my husband... who has since survived kidney cancer.
Bless you and Greys!

[Kelly]

Krista,
I came here hoping to see an explanation for who Bob Verne was, but I wasn't expecting what I got.

I watched this episode of Grey's tonight with a lot of trepidation; my mother was diagnosed with lung cancer 8 weeks ago. No carcinoma, so no surgical options - but last week's episode of Grey's really hit her hard. All the fear, all the worry, all the everything... Today was the restaging CT scan, so Dad and I were going to tape Grey's, or I was going to watch it upstairs... but Mom circumvented us all. She wanted to see how the story with the young girl ended.

So I sat here, in trepidation and fear and horror and dread and everything else you can imagine, watching a character with cancer go through things we all see coming down the line.

I often, when talking about Grey's, refer to it as the show that illustrates why we need clinical ethicists, one episode at a time... and I glibbly made that comment tonight, as we noted George saying what we in the field often say - that informed consent is a fallacy, unless your patient is a doctor him or herself. We talked, during commercial, about ways situations like that should and could be avoided.
Of course as we're chitchatting about ethics, my mother is sitting 6 feet from me, and I'm trying to stuff my tears and fears and everything else into a tiny box in my heart, to keep it together, stay clinical and cold. Focus on the flaws of the system, not the reality unfolding.

And Bailey pulls out the tube, and the family is there, and the interns and Callie wait, and there are kisses and touching, and he dies. And I look up to see my mother smiling, tears in her eyes, and she looks at me and says "that was beautiful".

She's right. It was beautiful, and perfect, and for once an episode will join my arsenal of "good examples for teaching".

Thank you for being so open, sharing your story, and making beautiful television.

[ali]

Krista, I'm so sorry about your dad. If watching a similar scenario through a TV screen was this hard... I'm so, so, sorry.

This episode was just... wow. Everything. A weighty episode, and you guys pulled it off just beautifully. George and his family were so touching, felt so real, the emotions so raw. Cristina took my breath away with her "dead dad's club" speech, as did Callie with her unwavering support.

You had me wrapped in the show, in the events, in emotions, from the first scene on... from Alex and Addison's little akward moment, to Izzy and Merideth in the morning, to the interens waiting for George at the end of the episode, to Alex and Addison's kiss, to Merideth, Derek, and the earplugs...

Everything--everything--was just exempilary: the acting, the directing, the writing, the editing... Really, just wow.

Thanks for another great episode; can't wait for next week:)

[Angel]

Thank you for telling a beautiful lesson about losing a parent....too many memories to share...

[Kerry]

WOW. WOW to the show, and WOW to your blog. I admit it. I called my dad even before I read this. Nicely done.

[Cinny]

The O'malley storyline has been one of my favorite parts of the last few episodes, and you were right...life and surgeries sometimes suck. I could feel Georges pain and fear...T.R. really deserves some kind of recognition for the work that he has done the past few episodes; he wasn't the warm cuddly George that we are accustomed to (however, seeing him crawling on the floor desperatly searching for Izzie's check and comparing it to 'To the virgins' really made me laugh so hard, it is definitely in my Top 5 for favorite George moments! )he was dark and twisty, for lack of better words. And I loved him so much for it. And he tried so hard to prepare his family for everything, and he never prepared himself for it. Oh, and the actress that played Mrs. O'malley...the scene where she leaned down to kiss Harold made me cry so hard...

I haven't been looking forward to Addex, as they have so eloquently been titled. I may or may not have gotten a little bit of throw up in my mouth everytime I thought about it...but after seeing them kiss tonight, they're kinda hott! :P Which brings me to Mark...I'm not the biggest Mark fan, and that was deepend even more after he tried to pick up Meredith: well, that and the fact he is really a jackass. But all I wanted to do for the past two weeks is reach through my tv and give him a hug; he was so sad that it broke my heart. And I hated Addi for the things that she said to him. I think he would have been a good dad...afterall, he marked it on the calander, went and bought the onesie...it may have taken some time, but I think he would have made a good dad...and a big part of me is still mad at Addi. I'll admit that I am pro-choice, I just don't think her reasons were good enough for having an abortion. And I really can't wait for Derek to find out about this...because it is one more thing that she didn't tell him when she came to Seattle. Oh, and the thing that bugs me the most? WHY THE F DID SHE TELL HIM IF SHE WAS GOING TO GO THROUGH WITH THE ABORTION??!!!

I'm also glad that Burke finally said 'uncle'...though his character annoys me (I'll admit, I think I'm projecting my anger at everything that has been happening in the media onto him) but he had a part in tremorgate. He's a big boy, and Christina didn't threaten him at gunpoint to do all of those surgeries.

I seriously loved Meredith and Derek in this episode. Especially the fact that he was loosing sleep, but he stayed with her anyway...until he spent the night at his place, that is. :) And right at the end...the look on his face when he saw the earplugs, and then curled up next to her??? That was majorly cuuuute!

Great episode!!! I'm kind of glad that it was split into two episodes...that would have been WAY to much to fit into 40-whatever minutes.

[Sarah]

This two-parter was AMAZING! All I can say is wow. Every week I watch Grey's with a bunch of girls from my dorm, and this week, my roommate (the girl with "an edge") cried! SHE ACTUALLY CRIED! It was incredible. So, thank you for such amazing two episodes.

[Angela]

Great episode...I sobbed and sobbed. But they were healthy tears. Keep up the great work!

[Jean]

DEath ends a life but not a relationship. It isn't the same after death, but our loved ones live with us in the experiences and memories and their teachings.

I have lived your episode from every angle...the daughter, the mother, the patient herself, the wife. Some lived and some didn't. You painted a realistic picture and in the end...your message is the one that counts. Make the most of your life and your relationships. Throw out the ones that don't work and cherish those that do. Make choices that please you.

Thanks for a tough but really good episode. Good luck with your new stage. I will be a grandmother soon and look forward to my new stage,too.
Jean

[Felicia]

Krista, good luck on your pregnancy. I had a baby almost two years ago, and it's still hard to watch the baby stories and the birth stories. Just make sure you hug your belly and enjoy it as much as you can ( if you think you can't sleep now ... get ready, so enjoy every second of your sleep!!!)
Thank you for today's episode. I really really really didn't want George's Dad to die, but life sucks sometimes. I'm glad that Mer finally got the story from her Dad, in that way she has the full story. It sucks to grow up without a father, but it's good to have the opportunity to meet up with him and ask for his side of the story. Having the complete pictures helps you understand that your parents issues are not your issues, so leave their issues with them and don't make them your own. That was a lot of issues for just one sentence!

Keep it up!

Felicia

[Maggie]

That was a fantastic episode! Thank you for sharing your story with us. Thank you for turning it into something wonderful in this episode. All the best to you and your baby!

[FamousArTIST]

Dear Krista:

My Mom died on Dec 20 from lung cancer in a hospice in Scottsdale Arizona. From the day of her diagnosis, she lived 111 days. For much of it, I put my good life in California on hold so that I could be with her. She never had a chance, and she never had to deal with intubations or surgeries. She had a little radiation, lost her hair, and by the time she got really sick she had already lost the ability to think logically. I like to think that she had a good death. A death where the family was all around and loving her like crazy. Even though she lost the ability let her thoughts translate into speech, she was funny, right to the end. And much of that was about burping, farting and incontinence. We laughed a lot in her last days. Now, when anyone in my family burps or farts, we call it "chanelling mom."

Having the honor of being with George's family was a wonderful experience for me. The episode was so beautiful, and you touched my grieving heart in a very special way. Tears and Tears and Tears.

All the other parts were great, too. Reminding me, again, that even when I think the whole world should stop because I am suffering, life goes on. There are other people suffering, too, and some people are even happy.

So thank you thank you thank you. I wish you wonderful things and great happiness with your baby.

[kayla shinae]

The episode was simply amazing. It made me cry. TR Knight's performance was wonderful. Definitely one of the best episode's of the season.

I don't know what you're supposed to say when someone's pregnant, so I'll just say good luck. =)

[Akilah]

Thank you for sharing that story. Both in the episode and in the blog.

[maria]

krista you just made me sob whike reading this. you did an excellent job. thank you for maming me call my mom and dad just because. btw I am wanting dirty merder and addisex sex!!!!!!!!!! ;)

[Lori]

After knowing that Mr. OMalley was possibly going to have to have heart valve surgery, I knew that I wasn't going to be able to watch your two part episodes. I probably never actually will because last summer my Grandmother went through the most miserable situation involving her heart valve replacement and to this day I will never have a birthday without knowing she went into surgery that day. We too were completely OBCESSED with her urine output and for that I thank you. For making me smile at that crazy memory because really there is so much truth in that one sentance. You didn't kill Mr. OMalley, you utilized truth in your writing and thank you for that. PS, maybe I will watch the show someday, its on my dvr, but fresh wounds being what they are and stuff.

[Anon]

Hi Krista,

Thanks so much for recounting your story. I had tears running down my face as I read it, the same way I did while watching the episode. You're truly my favorite Grey's writer and I hope we'll get more of your episodes soon.

I was wondering if you were planning on posting any follow-up to this. I'm really curious about the Addison/Mark storyline, because there have been so many twists/turns along the way. And I'm not sure if I agree with the statement "Mark would have been a terrible father" - I feel like we have unchartered territory with him and am curious about your thoughts.

finally, Mer/Der - I am begging - give us something resembling exam room - please!!

[Chelle]

Absolutely the most beautifully written two hours in television history. Seriously. I laughed. I cried. I ached. And I've watched the episodes back to back twice now. This is Grey's Anatomy at its very finest. This is the characters we love being absolutely true to themselves and coming to grips with the bone crushing realization that you can't fix everyone. Even though you keep trying.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. I loved that Callie was there, a constant support. Silent, but standing strong. I loved that George noticed, even though he never verbalized it. I loved that Izzie stood up for herself.

And the best line of the show was Bailey. "My son is named after his son." Oh. My. God.

Oh my god.

T.R. Knight will be nominated for a Globe next year. He was breathtaking.

You, Krista, have outdone yourself. You astound me.

[Chandra]

My eyes are burning from crying too much to type but I had wanted to say I am so sorry for your loss. If I could give you a hug right now I would. You have touched my life in so many ways yet we have never met. You have been blessed with a true gift. I wish selfishly you were able to right ever episode. I have already started pouring out my heart to my father. I just need to let him in on it now. I pray it will help.
Have faith in knowing your father will be there watching over you when your baby girl is born. I wish I had the ability to speak as eloquently and poignantly as you. All I can muster is Thank You. You are in my prayers.

[CARMEN]

MY CONDOLENCES TO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY FOR SUCH A TERRIBLE LOSS, BUT AT THE SAME TIME I THANK YOU FOR SHARING YOUR STORY THROUGH THIS EPISODE AND I HOPE THAT YOUR WISH WAS FULLFILLED BY HAVING THAT SCENE WITH GEORGE YELLING AT BAILEY AND RICHARD...GREAT ACTING ON HIS PART!! CONGRATULATIONS ON THE GOLDEN GLOBE AS WELL..I FOR ONE AM NOT THAT INTERESTED IN ANY MER/DER SEX SCENES FOR NOW, I REALLY ENJOYED THE DIFFERENT STORY LINES. I ENJOYED LEARNING A LITTLE BIT ABOUT CHRISTINA AT THE END, AND THE MARK/ADDISON BABY THAT NEVER WAS WAS ABSOULUTELY BRILLIANT!! GOOD STORY LINE...I LOVE THE WAY ADDISON FELT COMFORT IN KAREV AT THE END AND SIMPLY TOUCHED HIS FACE AND KISSED HIM...I LOVE IZZIE STICKING BY HER BELIEFS, AND NOT COMPROMISING WHO SHE IS FOR HER SUPERVISOR'S APPROVAL...BUT BAILEY HERSELF HAS A SOFT SIDE AS WELL, EVEN THOUGH SHE TRIES TO BE SO STRONG...THE LINE WHERE SHE TELLS CHIEF "MY SON IS NAMED AFTER HIS SON, I JUST NEED A MINUTE" WAS A REAL TEAR-JERKER!! ANYWAYS, THIS IS GETTING LONG BUT I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU THAT I THINK YOU'RE DOING A WONDERFUL JOB WITH THIS SHOW AND TODAY IS MY BIRTHDAY AND I GAVE UP THE CHANCE TO GO TO WATCH EXOTIC MALE DANCERS TO STAY HOME AND WATCH THIS EPISODE...SERIOUSLY!!! THIS SICK OBSESSION I HAVE WITH THE SHOW IS GETTING A LITTLE OUT OF HAND, RIGHT??? WELL THANKS AGAIN FOR A WONDERFUL SHOW ON MY BIRTHDAY....LOTS OF LOVE FROM SUNNY SOUTHERN CALIFORNIA!!! :)

[Alicia]

Thank you so much for answering my question last week. It was so helpful and amazing that you answered it.

Also, congrats on the Golden Globe win!! I was watching at home while chatting with my Grey's Anatomy friends (we all met on the ABC MB) and we had all given up hope after watching the 3 stars sadly loose. So to get it was just great! Congrats!!

And this episode...was amazing. Completely totally amazing. I knew it would be, because you wrote it. And every single episode you've written is amazing. They always manage to move me. I was crying so much. Just the whole situation was so moving and emotional. It was amazingly. And amazingly well written and well acted. I honestly believe this was one of the best episode of Grey's ever. I can't believe how much I loved it. And all of it. George's story line was clearly the best, but I loved how much Meredith's was reflected within it. I love that she finally talked to her dad. Izze's story line was great, she's finally coming to terms with everything. And Alex and Addie are the hottest thing ever. I found myself feeling sorry for Mark and Addison tonight, which I never thought would happen. It was just an amazing episode. And oh yes let's not forget the cuteness that was Meredith and Derek. I love them.

Finally...the people who keep asking for dirty, gratuitous Mer/Der sex, I am one of those people. And I'm very well aware of the fact I have a porny porny mind. I am not ashamed of that. And I would like to know if this means we will soon get some sex. Please?

[Lisa]

I want to hate you, but I can't. I believe in what you say, that where there is darkness there is light. So thank you for not sugar-coating it, or making it all warm and fuzzy when it isn't. 6 Days hurt to watch, but I think we will all be better for it. God bless

[E. Meese]

So touching, Krista. I love what Grey's makes me feel: happy, sad, angry...just like real life.
By the way, loving the Karev-Addison thing. Hot! The whole cast is amazing.
Here's a question, how can we contact our favorite cast members? So many fan sites are bogus, as are the myspace pages, I think.
One more thing - a message to T.R.: You are loved by so many, more than you can possibly count...and you have a great friend Katherine.
You see, Krista! Grey's put me in a mushy mood!

[Kelsey]

From the moment George yelled at Richard and Bailey in front of the nurses station I knew this episode was written from the heart...from experience. I didn't, however, believe that the actors could portray it as well as they did. I honostly broke into tears during the episode. My dad died of cancer when I was nine and I was too young to understand the reprecussions. I just knew I wasn't going to see him ever again. But now as I experience new things I realize that none of them will ever be shared with him, and that is a horrible feeling. Knowing that all the pain and triumph I go through will never be known by him. George, and Christina at the end, showed exactly those emotions. That life is never the same. That, while it does go on, it doesn't go one with them. And that no one can ever sympathise with it or understand it until they, too experience it. "The club" conversation was the most amazing and real thing I've heard out of Grey's characters. You're an amazingly talented writer and I'm sure it took a lot to put such experiences out for the world to see. Thank you so much for sharing.