Krista Vernoff on life, death, and "Six Days, Part 2"

Original Airdate: 1-18-07

The card at the end of this hour of TV that read “In memory of Bob Verne” was a tribute to my father. He died six years ago at the age of 56 after a very short battle with esophageal cancer. He called me one day at my office at Charmed and told me he thought he had the flu. A week after that he had surgery on a massive tumor at the base of his esophagus.   Before the surgery he was laughing and celebrating with family. He had a profoundly positive attitude. After the surgery, he had a massive scar down his belly and was intubated and pale, and upon seeing him,  I, who thought of myself as quite strong and educated and capable of handling that moment, started to shake and then hyperventilate and had to be helped out of the room.   

During the week we waited for him to recover, we learned that kidney function was of the utmost importance and I became obsessed, absolutely obsessed with his urine output. I checked that urine bag like 50 times a day. 

At one point, the doctors gathered the family to tell us that my Dad had a kink in his breathing tube and that they might not be able to get a new one in. They told us we needed to prepare ourselves for the possibility that this was it. We stood out in the hallway and waited, holding our breath, terrified. There was another family there in the hallway, the family of a 16 year old boy who’d been shot on the street on his way home from work in what was feared to be gang related violence, though his family insisted that he was a good kid, that he wasn’t in any gang. They were as scared as we were as they waited for news of condition. We talked to them for awhile, made small talk, then fell silent. And after a long, pregnant pause, one of the teenagers of the family looked over at a member of my family with a very disturbed look on his face. And then he said “Dang. Somebody just farted. And I think it’s this old white guy right here.” My family laughed harder than we have ever laughed in our lives.  And my dad lived through the reintubation.

He lived for three more days. 

When the surgeon sat us down to tell us that it was time to let him go, he explained that Dad had come to him – behind our backs – on his way into the OR actually – and begged him to proceed with the tumor removal no matter what. My Dad believed, truly believed, that he could fight that caner, that he could live, if only they would remove the tumor.  The surgeon did as he wished. And I have yet to completely forgive that surgeon for that decision. Because my dad’s body was riddled with cancer. Plus he had a liver condition and a heart condition. There was pretty much no way for him to recover from a surgery that traumatic. And the surgeon knew that. I believe in forgiveness, I do. I’m a fervent and avid believer that resentment, unchecked, leads to illness and spiritual misery. But I also believe that that surgeon cut my dad in half because he wanted the practice. It wasn’t the right call. He knew better. My Dad didn’t. The scene in which George yells at Bailey and Richard – that scene didn’t happen in my life. Writing and shooting that scene was wish fulfillment for me. What happened in my life is, we went into my Dad’s ICU and put our hands on his body and sang him Beatles songs while the nurses turned off the machines.  When they pulled the intubation tubes from his mouth, my sister and I put our faces to his mouth so we could feel the last of his breath.  And then he died. And I became a member of the Dead Dad’s club.

I know you didn’t want us to kill Mr. O’Malley. Believe me, I know that. He was funny and warm and kind and too young and too happy to die, just like my Dad.   He had children and a wife who loved him and needed him, just like my Dad.

Sometimes life sucks. Sometimes, surgery sucks. (By the way, because Bailey and Richard are Bailey and Richard, I don’t think they did what they did for anything but the highest reasons. I believe they were persuaded by Mr. O’Malley’s plea. I believe they felt they had a responsibility to honor his wishes even if they thought it was the wrong decision. But still, sometime surgeons and surgery suck.) It’s been hard for me sometimes to work on a show that by its very nature idealizes Western medicine and surgery. I believe in both, but only as a last resort.  Because I fervently believe (and statistics support) that surgery often does more harm than good.   So, one of the reasons I haven’t written an episode since 302 is because I called dibs on this one. I knew which story I wanted to tell.

I’m sorry it was so hard to watch – but I believe that where there is darkness there is light. I believe that from death comes life. I believe that in the face of great pain, families become closer. Friendships become deeper. Life becomes sweeter. And I believe it’s important to be reminded of the loss of love so that we will value and honor the love we have while have it.

I hope you do that.

I hope, that if you were impacted by this episode, you will use it as inspiration to call your Dad or your Mom or a Grandparent or a sibling or a friend or a teacher and thank them for being in your life and tell them what they mean to you.

If you weren’t impacted by this episode, and you just want to write me hate mail that’s okay too. That’s your choice. We all get one life to live. Or, maybe we get reincarnated a lot of times, I don’t know. But like Burke, in my experience science isn’t enough. For me it’s about faith. Some kind of faith.  Any kind of faith.

So maybe, while you’re calling your families or sending me hate mail, I’ll put forth a little effort and try, once again, to forgive my Dad’s surgeon…

All my best,  Krista   

(p.s. those of you who keep writing and begging for dirty, gratuitous Mer/Der sex? I have one word for you: porny. You have porny, porny minds. And I’m not saying that’s a bad thing… : ) 

(p.s.s. Aren’t you glad little baby Laura is okay? I am. Because as you know I’m expecting a daughter on March 17th. And another thing that’s hard for me about our show is that by necessity, we tell a lot of traumatic baby stories and birth stories.  I read a book that helped me undo a lot of the fear those stories had instilled in me – it’s called “A Guide to Childbirth” by Ina May Gaskin. If you’re pregnant or know someone who’s pregnant or are thinking of ever getting pregnant, you should read it. It’s so so so great. Okay, now I’m really done. Bye.)

Comments

[Dreams]

You did such a beautiful job with tonight's episode. George's emotions, and everything that happened felt so real, now we know why. I lost my mom 14 months ago, my dad 3 years before that...and a comment that George makes was so perfect..."How do I exist in a world without my dad in it." It's so true...I've never responded to this blog, but I felt compelled too tonight, because of those scenes, and that quote, Thank you.

[joie]

now you made me cry again krista...so this is your story...i thought i finished crying when i watched tonight's episode now you made me cry again with your blog, but i love this episode soooo much.

[Jamie]

Krista,
I would never send you hate mail. That Episode was Amazing, all i could hope for. My expectations were met beyond belief.
Poor George. I really felt for him. His dad was played by a great actor. TR did an amazing job.
About the Abortion: I loved how the sensitive subject was played out. Of course, my LOVE for my girl Addison is unconditional. I would love her if she murdered Meredith, ha! Very well done!

Addison and Alex kiss:) THANK YOU so Much! I loved it, literally cant stop watching it. The kiss was sweet and sensual. Loved how she touched his face and the eye contact. JC and KW have great chemistry. Addex is the new Hot and Exciting Couple!!!

Kate Walsh and TR Knight Rocked that Episode!

[Samantha]

.. thank you for writing this episode.

[Patti]

Thank you Krista - for the beautiful episode, and now for your beautiful posting. I am so sorry about your dad. I'm lucky, my dad is 84 and still going pretty strong. My mom, too. But this show tonight was so moving and so ..... damn, the only word that keeps coming to me is beautiful! i don't want to sound trite - it was very special. thank you again.

[Heather from Chicago]

Oh Krista - it was beautiful and my heart is breaking for what happened to you and your family and George. I have a friend who is 27. She has 5 very young children and she was just diganoied with cancer - it is everywhere. There is no way to save her. I pray that she gets what you did not - a chance to spend a little time loving her babies and welcoming the next pass with as much peace and comfort as possible.

It was a beautiful epi ... I like Mer talking to her Dad. I would like to see more of that, it seems very healing.

I lost my dad 5 years ago to an accident so this show made me cry!

WHere is the "great" stuff with Mer/der we were promised? Because them arguing over snoring,etc. while cute, is NOT what I consider Great. And next week they fight again? What is the deal here? Are you trying to make the Mer/Der fans have a freaking heart attack every week? Because you are doing just that. Making everyone worry everytime they argue.

[Lesley]

Krista-
That was a beautiful episode; I'm sorry that it mirrored your life because it was painful to watch so I can't imagine what it was like to write. But it was still a great episode, had all the traits of a hallmark Grey's ep.
---
I'm okay with no big Mer/Der sex scenes, but how about more Alex and Addison? They've got great chemistry, they remind me of Christina and Burke when they were just starting out.

Thank you for the amazing episode!

[belle]

Krista,
I hate that this episode came from a place of personal loss...but it made for a beautiful episode. Thanks for being vunerable and bringing this episode to life; its one of my favorites

[K-Zell]

Alex & Addison = YES YES YES YES YES YES YES!!! Finally!!!

Six Days (especially Part 2) was incredible in so many dimensions, for a multitude of reasons. Izzie and Bailey are so very much alike... this episode amplified the nature of their similarities... it was beautiful.

The O'Malleys are so real, so raw, so believable. T.R. Knight deserves a Golden Globe for his performance tonight- CONGRATS to all of you by the way!

Grey's helps me fall in love with the world all over again. I want to write so much more but it is oh so late on the east coast!

THANK YOU.

[Usa]

Thank you so much for sharing your story with us Krista. I know it wasn't exactly the same as what you experienced, but I cried as I watched, because it felt so incredibly real and so incredibly powerful. I can only imagine how it feels, and I don't really ever want to experience something like that for myself.
But the episode was beautiful. It was amazingly written and just.. amazing. I fell in love with the show all over again, because sometimes you need the reminder that life isn't all happy, and that you need to tell other people how much you care about them.
So thank you, thank you very much. I'm sure it was very hard to write this. Thank you.

[a girl]

Krista, your an amazing writer. You have brought back the old feeling of Grey's. Thank you so much.

I really adored all the intern scenes. It is so good to see them interacting on the show. I missed just seeing them hanging out.

Thanks again for an amazing episode.

PS. Why Alex and Addison?! why? Addison needs to stop grabbing onto a guy everytime she loses her confidence in her romantic relationships (or lack there of). It would be nice to see her grow there.

[Tamika]

Can we please have some meredith and Derak on this show, you can do so much with them yet your not. They've hardly had anything sice they got together, and i love that their together but can we please have some scenes of them together instead of them being bookends of every episode, I want some merder love not only at the ends or begining of the show but also in the middle as well!!

Please more merder their what made me love the show and your seriously wasting EP and PD's awesome chemistry. And seriously why has Derek been getting so little screentime. I LOVE the originals on the show the interns, derek etc not the added cast who came later to the show. More merder!

Please!

[Katie]

Krista,

Sometimes, I think you are evil. Because every time you write an episode, I cry. And not just a little cry, but full on crying. I should buy a stock in Kleenex, just for your episodes.

This episode was no different. It touched me in such a big way. Because, I, like Meredith have an "ex-father" (I loved that, by the way) and I, like Meredith, have wondered how in the world I'm related to the man, and also what went so wrong that he didn't call or write for almost fifteen years.

After watching this episode, I called my grandmother for my ex-father's e-mail and I e-mailed him. Because all I could think was, "I don't want it to be too late." I haven't spoken to this man in so long I've forgotten what his voice sounds like, but all I can think is, "I don't want my father to die."

And so you, Krista, were able to do what my mother, therapist, grandparents, and several others have been unable to do: you got me to attempt to forgive my father. With a Grey's Anatomy episode. I'm not sure if that's pathetic or not. But I have never cried that much at a show in my life.

So thank you. Really. I don't even think you understand how much I needed that. I needed the guilt without having to actually see something happen to my dad.

Anyway, I'm terribly sorry about your own dad. I don't know what it's like to be in the dead father's club, but I imagine it's the worst thing ever. But I know sorry doesn't actually help...so...I feel for you.

xo
Katie

P.S. I have a porny mind and I'm proud of it! Please, give us some Mer/Der sex...it's been since prom!

[Ashley_Canada_Eh?]

Hey Krista, thanks for sharing your story with us. I have to say I watched it 4 times... i love my satelite lol.. and lets just say i cried every single time i watched it. I dont think there is anything left in my tearducts to try to cry, its all gone. The first time i balled and cried and no one could stop me from crying. It was hard because Mr. O'Malley honestly looks like my grandfather who has raised me since I was 2 and my mother passed away. It honestly was so hard to take in George's dad's death for the reason that it hit way to close. My grandpa is ill, he doesnt have cancer or anything, but hes not in the best health and it made me think about what would happen if something happened to him. I think id be a little like George in that regard. So thanks for sharing ur story and im a little mad that u made me cry 4 times but i also know it had to be done.. oh btw can u make mark a little happier.. i never want him with mer but the guy deserves some kind of happiness lol :P

[Nicole]

Awesome episode. I cried so much in it. T.R Knight did a fantastic job, give him an emmy. Please maybe give him and Callie a spin off together being married maybe...That would rock. He deserves so much. I mean T.R Knight desvers a golden glob or some thing.

[Katherine]

Krista, that was one of the best episodes ever. I am so sorry about your father. Thank you for telling his story. I was so sad that Mr. O'Malley had to die, but I kinda new it was going to happen. It brought George's family together, and his brothers actually looked to him for advice. I cried from about 10 minutes in until about 5 minutes after the show was over. It was so bitter sweet. Thanks again! And congrats on the baby!!

[Michelle]

It was wonderful and very real . The comment at the end was so true...... the "club". My father died when I was 10 , suddenly . My mother , when I was 21 less than an instant ....1 year after breast cancer . I learned the hard way about the club, about choices , about quality of live , and about making sense of it all.
I learned and experienced death fully , yes grief too.... but death..... is what makes us part of the "club".
Life is hard and then we die... or is it is it better to have love lost or never to have loved at all... cliche I know .....;. but so true...... and one of the only things .....or the only " thing " that helped me survive . Thanks for being so real.

[kathy s.]

I want to thank you for showing the decision-making process that George and his family went through. Its so helpful to see and hear others go through that struggle. I speak as someone who may be faced with such a decision in the near future.

On a completely different plot line: alex/addison YUCK!! There is no chemistry on there. He's womanizer like McSteamy without the looks or the charm. Addison must really be hating herself to go to Alex.

Thanks for a great show with great stories and dialog.

[Alysa]

The episode was superb!

And, thank you for that one more peice of info. on Cristina that I have been constantly complaining about not getting. I so appreciate it, it confirms a lot for me, it is exactly what I wanted to know the most. But then it also creates a whole new set of questions for me as well. But I so wanted just one more tidbit about her, and I am overjoyed that I got that.

I'm done complaining about not enough info. on Cristina. Well, at least for this season anyway.

TRK deserves and Emmy nod, seriously. Every actor was on top of their game as usual tonight. Kudos, all around.

[Shannon]

I admit I cheated! I had to work & recorded the episode & haven't watched it yet, but I cheated and came to read the blog. I'm crying because Mr. O'Malley died. And if the blog is making me cry, I'm scared to watch the show!!!!
Krista, I'm sure it's a great episode & I can't wait to see it. But the most important part is, maybe you got some closure. And when a new life is about to bless yours, closure can be a wonderful thing. God bless you and your lucky, lucky girl.

[seriously_luvs_GA]

I thought the epi. was amazing (as usual). Wow, I sobbed thru the entire thing. Literally, I was crying 12 minutes into it. I too lost a family member...my mom (from cancer) when I was 16 and she was 37. GA's portrayal of Mr. Omalley's dying was soooo poignant and and realistic and just....amazing...You captured it all. I agree, w/ death comes life...and I wouldn't be who I am without having that horrible experience. It was such a horribly pervasive dark point in my young life. It made me realize at a very young and impressionable and difficult age, how precious and special and sweet life is.

I thought the episode was beautifully done. I of course wish Mr. O'Malley wasn't the one to go but I totally knew it was coming and it made sense..it fit. Just like everything always does. You and the rest of the writers (as well as Queen Shonda..it's how WE on the mb refer to her) know perfectly how to make every little thing work seamlessly to weave this extraordinary show into real life!!

As for the Mer/Der porny sex....HECK YEAH..BRING IT BABY!! We're all waiting..and we know it's gonna be ever soo uber sweet when we finally get it!! LOL!! We know you all read (or at least have people who read for you) our treasured mb...we know you know what we want..

You guys are magnificent...You've created a masterpiece w/ this show and it consistently makes me life, cry, scream, rant, rave, etc....Don't ever stop!!

[sp]

I was still crying about fifteen minutes after it ended. Hell of an ep. Thanks.

[Ang]

Thanks for the Addie scenes tonight. I absolutely love them all. I really appreciate the friendship with Callie and hope to see more and really... I think she and Alex can be good for each other. I look forward to more of that.

Tonight for me there was closure for Mark and Addie and hope she can be free of both Derek and Mark. Let them work on their relationship without her.

[NurseKrissy]

Tonights Eppy touched me in so many ways and really made me love George even more.... I loved what he and yang shared at the end... And the way he told his father about the stick :)

I am a Mer/Der Lurver and I can't help but beg for sex... COME On they are boring me to death... I love Mer/Der and will till the end of time... But Spice that stuff up a little.. I want season ONE mer/der back.... Get drunk and have Sex all night Mer/Der back.... I can wish right? I can dream right?? And If you wont give it to me I will read the dirty porny Fan Fiction!!!! LMAO!!!

Thanks so much.. And goodluck with the baby

Krissy