Allan Heinberg on "What I Am"

Original Airdate: 10-12-06

So, here’s the thing:  you people terrify me.

            You’re passionate, you’re insightful, you’re bravely outspoken.  You know Grey’s Anatomy and its characters better than anyone, except maybe Shonda Rhimes.  And I don’t know if you realize this, but the way you write about the show, debate it, love and/or hate it carries an enormous amount of weight in the Writers Room.

            All of which makes the experience of blogging here for the first time absolutely terrifying.

            Not that I’m complaining.  Blogging is part of my new job description, because I now happen to have the best job in the whole history of jobs.  I’m one of the new writers on Grey’s Anatomy.  Grey’s-freaking-Anatomy, people.  My favorite show on television.  I’ve been a hardcore fan from the first moment of the first episode.  I’ve read all the blogs.  Listened to the podcasts.  Devoured the DVD’s, the bonus features, the commentary tracks.  And between you and me?  I’ve actually spent some serious time geekily compiling episode-by-episode Grey’s soundtrack playlists on iTunes.  Seriously.  I’m that guy.

            So as nervous as I am about this blog, you can probably imagine the internal anxiety attack I was having the first day I showed up for work.  Would the writers accept me?  Would I be able to write in the voice of the show?  Would Patrick Dempsey be every bit as intensely soulful in person as he is on TV? 

My friends advised me to just be myself.  Which is great advice in theory, but not so easy to put into practice.  Because as it turns out, my sense of self is pretty fragile and entirely too dependent on who I’m hanging out with, and how work is going, and whether or not I indulged in dessert after dinner last night.  (Which I did and now regret.)  So, as much as I would love to report that I know exactly who I am and what I want at this moment in my life, the truth is, my therapist and I are still trying to figure that out.

            So, the theme of this week’s episode is identity.  And the question at its heart is:  “Who am I?”  We ask that question all day every day in the Writers’ Room -- about the characters, about ourselves -- and when a patient lights up a cigarette in his hospital bed, igniting his oxygen supply and burning his face off, the doctors and interns of Seattle Grace Hospital are forced to ask themselves the same thing.  If you take away the all-consuming surgeries, the hospital politics, and romantic indiscretions, who are the men and women of Seattle Grace?  Who is Preston Burke if he can’t operate?  Is Derek Shepherd essentially selfish or authentically McDreamy? And is Meredith Grey sensitive and soulful or just the slutty intern who can’t make up her mind?

            The episode begins with several of the show’s characters feeling very much not like themselves.  Meredith is so conflicted, so paralyzed at having to choose between Derek and Finn, she’s literally sick to her stomach.  Burke’s lingering hand tremor has undermined his confidence to the point where he’s now only performing surgery on dead chickens.  And Addison, reeling from the end of her marriage and the sudden reappearance of Mark Sloan, is wondering what the hell she’s still doing in Seattle.

            But because of the life-and-death nature of their jobs, the surgeons of SGH don’t have time to sit around contemplating the ephemeral nature of identity.  They have patients to attend to and lives to save.  They have to take action.  Addison snaps out of her funk and performs an emergency C-section, the experience of which gives her enough clarity to set some much-needed boundaries with Mark Sloan.  And Burke’s single-minded determination to get back in the O.R. ends up taking his relationship with Cristina to an entirely unexpected, intensely intimate, and morally complicated place.

            Meredith’s medical emergency, of course, forces her to spend most of the episode high on morphine, revealing her to be much more adorably goofy and touchingly vulnerable than she has been previously.  So much so that when Meredith confesses how badly Derek hurt her by choosing Addison, Addison can’t help but empathize.

Derek, too, is ultimately defined by his actions.  In the end, he clearly loves Meredith so deeply, he’d rather walk away than risk hurting her again.  And Meredith, in turn, loves Derek so much, she does the difficult thing, the brave thing, the honorable thing, and breaks up with Finn, in spite of the fact that she knows Derek won’t be there for her afterward. 

But the question of identity is perhaps most pressing for Izzie at this moment.  After all, she’s no longer in the surgical program.  She’s not Denny’s fiancée.  She’s not even his widow.  Lost in her own grief, Izzie has no idea who she is -- until the moment Denny’s father calls into question her love for Denny.  In that moment, Izzie -- like Addison, like Derek and Meredith, like Burke and Cristina -- Izzie takes action.  Her eyes flash dangerously and she protects -- not herself -- but Denny.  In that moment, all the complicated, extenuating circumstances of her life cease to matter, and she becomes entirely, heroically Izzie Stevens.

The same is true for Alex, who may not want to be on Addison’s gynie brigade, but clearly has an affinity for it.  And for George, who, when all is said and done, chooses to be there for Izzie, rather than indulge in a romantic night with Callie.

As usual, though, it’s Bailey who seems to have the surest handle on the subject, instructing Sloan that in the end, “it’s not about what you look like -- or your job -- or how successful you are.  It’s about having people in your life that you love -- who love you.”

So, Shonda’s telling me enough already.  Time to post the blog.  My instinct is, of course, to keep working on it, to try to make it better, to try to make it the best blog it can possibly be.  But I’ve learned enough from Grey’s Anatomy at this point to know that our lives are defined, not by what we say, but what we do. 

So, what I’m gonna do… is post this blog.

Thanks for reading.  And for watching.

Here goes…

Comments

[rose]

Long may Alan Heinberg and Dan Lerner reign. Every moment of this episode was a jewel. Old story lines ending, new ones beginning. Thought-provoking, funny, sad...the character development so incredible. The script, the acting, the direction...Everything just "clicked." Wonderful.

[Lisa]

Congrats Allan! Great episode! Definitely one of my favorites. This episode mad me laugh and cry. Keep up the good work!

[jp]

So Derek won't be there for Meredith even though she chose him over Finn? That's very disappointing. They are meant to be together. They love each other so much. Please let Derek accept her choice and let him be there for her. Don't drag this out any longer. You're killing us. My heart just sank when Derek walked away. It reminded me of when that happened to me in real life and it was very painful. We don't need our favorite television show to be as painful as real life. We want the fantasy. We want Meredith and Derek together. Please?

[howdymolly]

BRAVO!

[Lisa]

Welcome Allan! You did a fantabulous job with the episode and with the blog. Just a tip: Don't ever regret dessert! *wink*

[Mrs. P]

I laughed, I cried, I was schocked! What a great episode! Thank you so much for the great writing. Keep up the great work.

[AddictedtoGrey]

I loved this episode. After reading Allan's blog, I loved it even more. In fact I think it might be my all time favorite and that is high praise indeed.

[Jessica]

I loved this episode to pieces - fabulous job!

I loved how everyone was so real.

I loved how McSteamy was definitely more of a person in this episode, reather than a pretty face.

I loved how George and Callie broke up, but there is obviously more in store for each of them.

I loved how the moment I heard Denny's voice, I got this huge lump in my throat and knew it was all over for me.

I loved how Burke is really struggling and Cristina's trying to be there for him, but not really succeeding in the way he needs her to be there.

I loved how Bailey got to tell off McSteamy.

I loved the Mc-references.

I loved Meredith on Morphine.

I loved it all!

[Kate]

Good job! You said everything I wanted to, and better.

[Jessica]

I loved this episode to pieces - fabulous job!

I loved how everyone was so real.

I loved how McSteamy was definitely more of a person in this episode, reather than a pretty face.

I loved how George and Callie broke up, but there is obviously more in store for each of them.

I loved how the moment I heard Denny's voice, I got this huge lump in my throat and knew it was all over for me.

I loved how Burke is really struggling and Cristina's trying to be there for him, but not really succeeding in the way he needs her to be there.

I loved how Bailey got to tell off McSteamy.

I loved the Mc-references.

I loved Meredith on Morphine.

I loved it all!

[Elizabeth]

I like the places these characters are going. I was worried this season there would be shark-jumping, but after this episode the only jumping is being done by me- up and down because Grey's is getting more complex and rich and interesting.

In one episode you made me like Addison more, restored my faith in Derek, put me firmly back on Meredith's side, make me hate then root for Sloan/McSteamy, and convinced me once again that Bailey is the best teacher anyone could ever have. And more. And thanks so much for making that conversation btw Denny Sr and Izzie come out clearly- he needed to know where she was coming from, not 3 episodes later, not next season, but NOW. Thanks for not cheating your characters, for not making them over-the-top dramatic.

What a great ride this season is turning out to be. Glad I bought tickets.

[Mia]

Welcome Aboard!
You are doing great!
Love the show and I am glad that you are writing for it.
It must be totally cool to write for a show that you love. . .and terrifying.
I am sure you will make a lot of friends soon. Just be yourself even though it is hard in practice.
Probably wouldn't hurt to buy pizza for the writing staff soon. Who doesn't love the guy that buys pizza for everyone??
Keep smiling!

[Sarah]

What do you mean Derek won't be there for her afterward!? NO!!!!!!!!

[a gray]

Thank you so much for Dr. Bailey. Her advice to Addison is exactly was she needed; Addison has for far too long let a man define her! The salesman's wife needed to hear an earful- as did McSteamy. Thank you for making her such a strong woman-with flaws-someone we can relate to and cheer for.
What a wonderful show, keep up the great work.

[E]

And thanks for writing, Allan. Last night's episode was so powerful, I was in tears during the last 30 minutes of it...

[Susanna]

Good job Allan!
I have never been so addicted to a tv show as I am this one. Every scene in this episode had something going on. Look away, you missed it!

Welcome aboard and keep up the good work!

[Kate]

Gosh, that was a perfect blog!
I LOVED the theme of this episode. I LOVED each character coming into themselves, taking action, with that flash in their eyes...argh. It was incredible.

Good blog. ;-)

[Jenny]

I found the treatment of the mother who wanted a natural birth distasteful. You made her seem crazy and disrespectful for wanting a birth with no intervention. You gave no medical reason why intervention was neccessary (other than she was lying vertically, making a baby work against gravity, and she was incessantly hooked up to a fetal moniter so she couldn't walk around or get in a comfortable labor position). Squatting, regardless of Alex's sneer, is a really good idea during birth. If you've actually read about the ridiculous amount of medical intervention in labor and the recent studies medical organizations have done about c-section rates, etc, you wouldn't make that woman and her husband seem so ridiculous. I cannot believe a man who smoked a cigarette on oxygen and blew himself up was given more respectful treatment than a woman who simply wanted to have a baby the way women did it for thousands of years.

[Hannah]

I can't believe Derek is pulling the "good guy" act again! Walking away from Meredith because he feels it's "the right thing to do." Ugh. First, he says he's in love with her and now he's passing her off to Finn? Looks like you just hurt Meredith again, Derek! Meredith needs to smack him upside the head!

[Linda Spear]

I must confess that I didn't know who wrote last night's show while I was watching it. Until right now I thought that it must have been Shonda herself who wrote the show because I loved it so much! It made me laugh, it made me cry, it shocked me. It was awesome!!! It made me yell at my kids to go back to bed so that I could have some "Mommy Time" and watch my favorite show. My 3 year old asked me if I was watching "Grey's Abatomy" again. Think about it...."Anatomy" is something that kind of difficult for a three year to say, but it is so cute the way that he says it that I am going to capture it on video so that our family will forever remember this time in his life and mine. Thank you for a wonderful memory.

I kept thinking back all day on Denny. I knew that we didn't know much about him, but I 8.7 million!!! Yikes!!!!! That opens up all kinds of stories for Izzie and really makes me want to know how Denny had all of that money. What I really have been thinking about all day is something that I try to remind myself in a society where it matters so much how much money that you have...I haven't been able to stop thinking about the fact that Denny was a multi-millionaire but he didn't have his health and without a heart that worked, all of the money that he had didn't matter. All of that was going through my mind when Bailey gave her incredible encouragement to the burn victim. It all tied together perfectly. Some things really don't matter in the great scheme or things and some things just do, and you have to been able to see the difference and sometimes that is not easy.

I can't wait until your next show.

[Krissy]

WOW I like your blog alot.

Okay so Derek breaking up with Meredith hurt me so much at first, but then once I moved past my broken heart and had a Party Because FINN went far away that helped. I liked watching this week... Much better then last week so thank you :)

Meredith and Derek- We need them we want them THEY have to work out, most of us thrive on Meredith and Derek!!! Please find some way in your heart to let them work out!!!! AND yes his breaking up with her showed us how much he really does love her, and Meredith saw that :)
***
Izzie- How the heck did denny get all that money?
**
Mcsteamy- Please fix him... I dont like him rude and cocky, but it made Nikki and I think... Was Derek alot like Mark before he met Meredith?

Addison and Meredith- WOW I loved this, It touched me and I even think Addison is nice, Kinda now.

Burke and Yang- Why do I feel as though she is with Burke because of his name? I just dont think she could love him if he wasnt Dr Preston Burke MD

Thanks so much for the blog

Krissy Grey's
Number 1 FAN (along with Tracy Kelley and Nikki)

[Haley]

Seriously, every single writer at Grey's Anatomy, new or old, is awesome. You guys do what we all only dream of. There will be times in the series when we piss and moan and don't like what happens but when are we going to like everything that happens? So hold your head high, because you can call yourself a Grey's Anatomy writer.

So anyways, down to business.
This episode was Amazing. With a capital "A". It was so full of emotions and feelings and changed and realizations that, a day later, I'm still reeling from it all and trying to figure everything out.
Addison talking to Meredith about Derek? Had me in tears. It was like she was finally giving him up. I have to admit I didn't want that to happen- I still wanted there to be a chance that Derek saw the err of his ways and would go back with his wife..... But deep down I really knew that it would never happen.

And Finn! Finn is gone... I liked Finn, so it made me really sad when he walked out..
Finn is perfect for Meredith. He is the good guy who brings your best friend lunch, and births ponies... He is perfect.
But I guess that's why Meredith couldn't go with him, right?

Okay, well that's all I really needed to say, I guess.
I just wanted to tell you how awesome you writers are, and how great the episode was last night.

So... Until next time!

[Amber]

Allan! Nice to..er, meet you.

I...it's probably sad that I do the exact same thing, right? The music is just so /great/ though!

You're damn right it's grey's-freaking-anatomy! Best show ever written, and you're a part of it. :) Welcome. And thank you, seriously. You rocked this episode, man!

I'm not going to talk about the episode; I haven't watched it five times yet, so, no commenting on it yet for me...I just wanted to say Hello, and, don't worry! You'll always have /one/ person who approves of anything you, and the other writers do no matter what. :) Have a good day.

Oh--heard that Mrs Dempsey and Washington had a bit of a scuffle? I wish them a happy smoothing of ruffled feathers. ;)

[aLiCe]

You're doing a great job! Thank you for a detailed blog! :-) I really appreciate it.

After watching last night's episode, I was so touched by every character. I got all teary-eyed near the end hearing Denny's message, I was so proud of Derrek when he chose to be walk away because he doesn't want to be selfish for once, and was so happy when Meredith still chose Derrek despite the fact that she'll be in pain.

Every relationship has pain, and Meredith is brave enough to face it. Yay for choosing the tougher road.

[Sara]

I know it's too late, but please, please, please don't have Callie sleep with Mark!! Bad idea all around! And where did all that money come from for Izzie? How did Denny end up a multi-millionaire?
*sigh* I guess I'll have to watch to find out! Thanks for the new perspective!