Allan Heinberg on "What I Am"

Original Airdate: 10-12-06

So, here’s the thing:  you people terrify me.

            You’re passionate, you’re insightful, you’re bravely outspoken.  You know Grey’s Anatomy and its characters better than anyone, except maybe Shonda Rhimes.  And I don’t know if you realize this, but the way you write about the show, debate it, love and/or hate it carries an enormous amount of weight in the Writers Room.

            All of which makes the experience of blogging here for the first time absolutely terrifying.

            Not that I’m complaining.  Blogging is part of my new job description, because I now happen to have the best job in the whole history of jobs.  I’m one of the new writers on Grey’s Anatomy.  Grey’s-freaking-Anatomy, people.  My favorite show on television.  I’ve been a hardcore fan from the first moment of the first episode.  I’ve read all the blogs.  Listened to the podcasts.  Devoured the DVD’s, the bonus features, the commentary tracks.  And between you and me?  I’ve actually spent some serious time geekily compiling episode-by-episode Grey’s soundtrack playlists on iTunes.  Seriously.  I’m that guy.

            So as nervous as I am about this blog, you can probably imagine the internal anxiety attack I was having the first day I showed up for work.  Would the writers accept me?  Would I be able to write in the voice of the show?  Would Patrick Dempsey be every bit as intensely soulful in person as he is on TV? 

My friends advised me to just be myself.  Which is great advice in theory, but not so easy to put into practice.  Because as it turns out, my sense of self is pretty fragile and entirely too dependent on who I’m hanging out with, and how work is going, and whether or not I indulged in dessert after dinner last night.  (Which I did and now regret.)  So, as much as I would love to report that I know exactly who I am and what I want at this moment in my life, the truth is, my therapist and I are still trying to figure that out.

            So, the theme of this week’s episode is identity.  And the question at its heart is:  “Who am I?”  We ask that question all day every day in the Writers’ Room -- about the characters, about ourselves -- and when a patient lights up a cigarette in his hospital bed, igniting his oxygen supply and burning his face off, the doctors and interns of Seattle Grace Hospital are forced to ask themselves the same thing.  If you take away the all-consuming surgeries, the hospital politics, and romantic indiscretions, who are the men and women of Seattle Grace?  Who is Preston Burke if he can’t operate?  Is Derek Shepherd essentially selfish or authentically McDreamy? And is Meredith Grey sensitive and soulful or just the slutty intern who can’t make up her mind?

            The episode begins with several of the show’s characters feeling very much not like themselves.  Meredith is so conflicted, so paralyzed at having to choose between Derek and Finn, she’s literally sick to her stomach.  Burke’s lingering hand tremor has undermined his confidence to the point where he’s now only performing surgery on dead chickens.  And Addison, reeling from the end of her marriage and the sudden reappearance of Mark Sloan, is wondering what the hell she’s still doing in Seattle.

            But because of the life-and-death nature of their jobs, the surgeons of SGH don’t have time to sit around contemplating the ephemeral nature of identity.  They have patients to attend to and lives to save.  They have to take action.  Addison snaps out of her funk and performs an emergency C-section, the experience of which gives her enough clarity to set some much-needed boundaries with Mark Sloan.  And Burke’s single-minded determination to get back in the O.R. ends up taking his relationship with Cristina to an entirely unexpected, intensely intimate, and morally complicated place.

            Meredith’s medical emergency, of course, forces her to spend most of the episode high on morphine, revealing her to be much more adorably goofy and touchingly vulnerable than she has been previously.  So much so that when Meredith confesses how badly Derek hurt her by choosing Addison, Addison can’t help but empathize.

Derek, too, is ultimately defined by his actions.  In the end, he clearly loves Meredith so deeply, he’d rather walk away than risk hurting her again.  And Meredith, in turn, loves Derek so much, she does the difficult thing, the brave thing, the honorable thing, and breaks up with Finn, in spite of the fact that she knows Derek won’t be there for her afterward. 

But the question of identity is perhaps most pressing for Izzie at this moment.  After all, she’s no longer in the surgical program.  She’s not Denny’s fiancée.  She’s not even his widow.  Lost in her own grief, Izzie has no idea who she is -- until the moment Denny’s father calls into question her love for Denny.  In that moment, Izzie -- like Addison, like Derek and Meredith, like Burke and Cristina -- Izzie takes action.  Her eyes flash dangerously and she protects -- not herself -- but Denny.  In that moment, all the complicated, extenuating circumstances of her life cease to matter, and she becomes entirely, heroically Izzie Stevens.

The same is true for Alex, who may not want to be on Addison’s gynie brigade, but clearly has an affinity for it.  And for George, who, when all is said and done, chooses to be there for Izzie, rather than indulge in a romantic night with Callie.

As usual, though, it’s Bailey who seems to have the surest handle on the subject, instructing Sloan that in the end, “it’s not about what you look like -- or your job -- or how successful you are.  It’s about having people in your life that you love -- who love you.”

So, Shonda’s telling me enough already.  Time to post the blog.  My instinct is, of course, to keep working on it, to try to make it better, to try to make it the best blog it can possibly be.  But I’ve learned enough from Grey’s Anatomy at this point to know that our lives are defined, not by what we say, but what we do. 

So, what I’m gonna do… is post this blog.

Thanks for reading.  And for watching.

Here goes…

Comments

[mandi]

i loooove this show!
you guys are great!
keep up the good work!

[Elizabeth]

That episode was great! It seems like as the season goes on, little tidbits are being cleared up here and there...

And my prediction is that the business isn't over with Mer and George. Like he said that night "he will never hurt her, never leave her, never stop loving her." And how she said "now ALL my boyfriends are here." Yeah, it isn't over yet.

Anyways, great first episode! I loved seeing how compassionate the sometimes arrogant derek was with meredith...he loves her indeed. Looking forward to next week!!!

[Stephanie Satre]

I loved your episode and was not in any way angry about anything that happened-except possibly when Callie invited McSteamy to her room at the end. ;)
I'm sorry that all of us psychotic fans have made the simple act of posting a blog such an anxiety-inducing event. Just remember, we wouldn't be so scarily obsessive about the show if you writers weren't doing such a fantastic job!
Thank you!

[Jacks]

Fabulous episode! Fabulous blog! Please, please, please, please give us Derek and Merideth!!!

[Kristy.]

Love. :)

[Kass]

Fantastic episode! I can't believe no one's commented here yet. I loved the plotline, and it's my favorite of the season so far. Every time Izzie opened her mouth, somehow I ended up sobbing. I also loved the Addison storyline.

[Joel]

Nicely done.

[Katie]

Thought your episode was the best one yet Allan! So glad that you're a new addition to the writing staff. Keep up the great work!! And try to let Meredith have some more of those fun moments she had when she was on the morphine regularly on the show! Can't wait for next week...hope Mer and Der aren't apart forever...they owe it to each other to really give it an honest to goodness try. Don't you think?!

[Rebecca]

I love, how with each character that seems hard or arrogant, there is a moment, a wonderful moment when a vulnerability shines through. As in this episode, when Mark Sloan had no answer for the burn patient. And Baily did. That is drama. That is what makes me watch week after week. Thank you.

[Kass]

Oh, just realized comments were being moderated... so i'm probably the one billionth person to have commented.

[Maggie]

Just wanted to say you did great, both the episode and the blog, and normally I don't comment but if I were you I would be anxiously awaiting the first comment. So Congratulations, you earned every bite of lasts nights desert or dessert, I can never remember. :)

[Barbara]

Awesome effort on the new blog and the new job.

As someone who has absolutely no interest in the whole Meredith/Derek thing and instead is heavily invested in what happens to and with Addison, I think you did a great job with her last night.

Out of everyone, Addison has shown the most growth, depth and humanity of all the characters so far.

That she could have that conversation with Meredith, show a burgeoning friendship with Bailey, put herself before Mark and Derek and let Alex know in her own way that she was the best teacher he could have had? Well - it shows that you can write a strong woman who can make other women proud. Kudos to you.

However, given that Addie and Kate Walsh's popularity is growing by leaps and bounds, I fear the more backstory is going to come out to try and make her seriously be "SO MUCH WORSE" than we are being led to believe all so that everyone gets the message that Mer/Der are supposed to be the story free and clear of any other "awesomeness" that might surround them in the guise of an ex-wife.

Bottom line?

Thanks for making this Addison fan very happy last night.

[denver]

I honestly don't watch all that much tv. Because there isn't a heck of a lot on these days that is entertaining and worth the time. Grey's is an exception to that. Kudos on another entertaining episode and worth the time I spent watching it.

[becca]

OK, you can stay. You are clearly one of the cool kids and we will not stuff you in a locker----as long as you keep bringing us adorably goofy Meredith and deeply, tragically sensitive Derek...and all of the others. But consider yourself on notice: that 8 million dollar check better not turn this story into something ridiculous. We're watching. And we like you.

[Melissa]

Great Episode Alan!! Welcome to the Grey's family. It was a great episode. 3 hankies and 2 gasps!!
Loved watching everyone try to figure out who they were!
Keep up the good work!
I know too many !!

[Meg]

Thanks for blogging! You guys are so cool. I feel like you're my own personal inside track, and good friends. It's oddly freaky! One question: Meredith breaks up with Finn knowing Derek won't be there for her afterwards!!!!! Seriously? Seriously? Don't do this to me. I beg you!!!!!!!!

[Sue in CT]

WOW!! Thanks for all the insight into what goes into each episode. I love that most of the writers seem to have as many insecurities as the characters!

Did anyone really think Meredith would not choose Derek? (Of course knowing Chris O'Donnell was only on for a few episodes helped!)

I really can't say anything more than I love Grey's more than any other show on TV. I was laughing and crying through the whole episode. Thanks for another great hour of TV which I will continue to enjoy until next week's episode.

PS: Love to look at Patrick Dempsey even though I know he's married. Doesn't hurt to look right!!!

[Sam]

What an amazing episode! This show honestly keeps getting better and better, and even when you can't think it can get any better than it just did, we get another surprise and the bar for what television should be is raised that extra inch higher. Thanks for writing such a great show!

[Sunny D]

Awesome Awesome show and welcome Allan. Every character was developed so well, my friends and I kept pausing and calling each other especially after Derek walks away because he loves Mer so much.... Denny's voice brought me to tears but where did the money come from!!!!!!! Callie & McSteamy mmmhhhhh

[Paula]

Great first blog! Great episode! My mom had to tape it last night to go to choir practice. When she got home, all I told her was "oh my....oh my....." Keep up the good work!

[KB]

What a phenomenal episode. It gave me the closure I needed on Denny and moved me to tears. Excellent work.

[Karen, Ontario]

another great episode. To the old and new writers, I must say thank you for putting on television a fresh, dramatic, funny, emotional show that hits people on every levels. We may not all relate to all the characters but there is always one that speaks to the heart or another one whom we strive to be.

I'm going to miss seeing McVet though. But we welcome McSteamy. Racy!

[Allison]

best episode so far in season 3! i loved it.

[Tina]

Yeah for you! Congrats on your dream job! And wonderful episode!

[Amanda]

Allan and the rest of greys writers!....WOW. I can't seem to think of any other word to describe last nights episode. For the first time this season you guys spent the right amount of time on each different characters. I am a die hard MerDer fan and so desperatly want Der to sweep Mer off of her feet and ahhhh i cant put it into words is how obsessed I am. I truley saw development of Mer in her choice to break it off with Finn even afte Der stepped back. On a side note I am tired of the Chief giving horrible advice, his life doesnt seem to have worked out so well huh?1 And i love love love Christnia and Burkes relationship and how their roles have completly swapped. I adore the way we got to see the essence of the characters in this episode. Thank you again for not dwelling over that freakish and creepy and rude Finn character! I can only hope Der will soon give Mer a heart wrenching speech where he puts it on the line like she did with the pick me, love me, chose me line. I am sure you will see more of my comments about this episdoe on the message boards but thank you SO much for making my week a ton better each and every thurday.
Godbless and thank you-