From Joan Rater, one of the writers of "Tell Me Sweet Little Lies..."

Original Airdate 1/22/06

Since the theme of last night's episode was lying, I'll start out with a little bit of truth here - writing this blog kind of terrifies me. It's clear from comments Kip got about his episode last week that some fans are getting frustrated/upset with the whole Derek/Meredith/Addison triangle. I mean, he said he was going to try to work it out with Addison, but he keeps being McDreamy with Meredith. What's that about? In last night's episode he told Cristina that he can be nice to Meredith without being McDreamy. Right. He gets near Meredith and he's dreamy as hell. So is he just a big liar? I'd like to offer my two cents on that question, but first, let me introduce myself ...

My name is Joan, and my writing partner, Tony also happens to be my husband of twelve years. We’re the new kids on the staff, having just started this season. We come from writing much more procedural type stuff, like Law and Order, so it was a big shift to move to a show where we get to explore the personal lives of our characters. And I must say we love it. This group of writers is so passionate and committed about staying true to these characters. Even if the truth isn't pretty. So when we started work on this episode, we obviously looked to our own relationship for inspiration. Now, I haven't had an affair with Tony's best friend, and as far as I know he hasn't slept with an intern on the show, but since Tony and I work together and have been married roughly the same amount of time Addison and Derek have, we have a little insight into their relationship. There isn't a conversation that Tony and I haven't had; a subject that hasn't been covered; a story that hasn't been told, retold and then told again. I'm just saying, the day to day of a marriage can get a little monotonous sometimes – especially if one or both partners don’t constantly work at keeping things fresh. So … Addison slipped, Derek bolted across the country to start over, and he met Meredith – the woman who is quite possibly his soulmate.

Derek and Meredith were still in the exciting “getting to know you” stage of their relationship when Addison showed up. And once Derek made his choice and decided to try to work it out with Addison, his break with Meredith was abrupt … almost violent. Almost as if, like Rick the guitarist who lost his fingers, Derek and Meredith were forced to go cold turkey. And for any of you who have tried to quit smoking, there’s always that little voice in your head telling you, “C’mon, just one more cigarette. You can quit whenever you want. What harm is one more gonna do???”

Derek is telling the truth when he says he wants to work it out with Addison. But let's face it, he's not over Meredith. So here he is torn between two competing desires and so he does what we all do in these situations - he lies. And not just to Addison and Meredith. He lies to himself. “I can be friends with Meredith. Help her get her mother into the Alzheimer's clinical trial. Take her dog. I mean, it's just a dog. It doesn’t mean anything.” And the tragedy of the situation is that Derek actually believes it.

We all lie. More than any of us is comfortable with. And the joy of working on a show like Grey’s Anatomy is to explore characters we love, people we all recognize, as they struggle and fight and win and lose and take three steps forward and two steps back.

Comments

[Katie]

I am soooo addicted to this show! I love it!! I think my favorite part in last night's episode was George telling Meredeth that he wasn't going anywhere. I still don't think that she has ANY clue about his true feeling towards her, but we're getting a tiny bit closer. As for the Derik/Addison/Mer triangle..I think Derik is acting the way any guy would act if in the same situation. These things take time, and he's just exploring all his options. Also, the singing old lady that wouldn't leave the hospital was awesome!! I loved her! What a character!!

[Fifties Child]

I would suggest that if you are going to do a medical show, you take the time to get credible information regarding a disease or condition. Your portrayal of a rare carcinoid tumor in the lung, dumping "feel good" serotonin into that giggly, happy woman did a disservice to those of us suffering with this type of cancer. We have enough trouble just finding a doctor to diagnose it and knowing how to treat it but we also suffer trying to explain it to family and friends. BTW, carcinoid also kills us.
Do your homework. Stick with comedy and romance or get your facts right. Many people have devoted years to educating the public and the medical community about the seriousness of carcinoid and in just a few minutes of a 1 hr. episode you trivalized a deadly disease. I don't care if you post this on your weblog or not......just so YOU take it seriously.

[Liza]

What I love most about this show, characters, writing etc .. is that we really don't know how things are going to turn out - and that is how real life is. Something totally unexpected happens and sends the character, relationship on a different path -- not even the players know whats around the corner. This show has great actors, real characters (I cant wait to get to know them all better - even Addison) and so far script writing. I hope it stays real and believable. I love all the pain, hope, frustration, intrigue, excitement, silliness and the mundane in these characters lives.

[JW]

People who complain about being frustrated/upset with the D/M/A triangle need to realize that's a sign of good writing and good storytelling. If we don't care enough about the characters and situations to be upset about what's happening to them they really need to stick to reality TV.

It was good to see Cristina and Derek working together, I can't recall them having any sustained contact prior to this episode. And if anyone can force Derek to get some perspective about him and Meredith, it's Cristina. Because Bailey can't do it all the time.

[Nadia]

I have been a fan of the show from the beginning. The writing has been and continues to be incredible.
I loved how in the first season you showed four women with incredible strength of character, intelligence and self-respect go about their daily lives.

And then came Season 2. Adding Addison to the mix should have been really good, creating some good drama. But I feel I am being duped.

Could you possibly give us some idea of why Addison "slipped"? I have been married twice as long as Derek and Addison and I certainly would not think of behaving as Addison has. To violate your vows like she did is done out of sheer unhappiness and/or incredible anger. What the heck did Derek do to her? We are waiting with baited breath; please do not take the rest of the season to fill us in. Many of us are starting to lose interest.

The writers have made Derek be so violated by her actions. I would have no expectations that my husband would even want to speak to me far less try to patch up the marriage. He stays with her because she was family?? He has a mother and 4 sisters and 14 nieces and nephews who he talked about more than once. What happened to them?

My husband and I have much more baggage than Derek and Addison do. Besides huge financial obligations, busy careers, designer sheets, numerous friends and assorted pets, we also have children. They don't have that additional complication. What's their real excuse for staying together?

I find it hard to believe that an intelligent woman like Addison would choose to stay with a man who left and started a new life a continent away. And, if she really loved him, why the heck did it take her so long to try to reconcile with him? To add insult to injury Derek tells her that he has fallen in love with another woman during the short time they are apart. He didn't give getting involve with someone a second thought. Please show us why a self-respecting woman would ever stand for that.

This isn't real life; I know that. But as a woman, and one who marched for my rights in the 70s, I take issue with how these two women are portrayed; they are doormats. I love Patrick Dempsey and I loved (yes loved) Derek but I think that the writers have taken his newly discovered flaws to an extreme. He is a coward and a liar to boot. He has his flaws, granted, but how can you allow his character to take two women down with him?

What worries me the most is what you are portraying to the young women who make up probably the majority of your audience. I read the comments on the boards of the teenagers and 20-somethings who are watching this. Are Addison and Meredith the kind of emotional role models you want to portray to gullible young women who are still trying to distinguish reality from fiction? Are we saying that women like Addison and Meredith spend so much time honing their professional skills and then accept any crap thrown at them by a handsome man?

You're setting women back 30 years. I know many of the writers are men but you 30-something women writers, please remember that it took us 40-, 50- and 60-somethings a long struggle for us/you to be where we are today.

And you're lying to yourself, if you don't see what you are doing.

[Lisa Ann]

I would like to say good job on getting the show back on track! I too felt the previous show lacked that something special that Grey's Anatomy brings. It is amazing how Der and Mer light up when they are in a scene together - what chemistry. I enjoyed the show last night and am looking forward to next week, keep it up.

[Kristen]

"Tell me sweet little lies" was an absolutely awesome episode!! Even though the love the Mer/Der thing, I'm so glad to see that this episode was more about the other characters! I hope you guys stay on this track if you're not going to let Meredith and Derek get back together!! But, please throw us a bone and let us know why Derek decided to stay with Addison already!! It's driving some of us nuts! Keep up the good work!

[Serena]

I thought the show was particularly insightful. The writing and the acting between Christina and Derek was both shocking and extremely gratifying. We all wish we had a friend who would stand up for us and ream out an ex-boyfriend. Really tell him like it is. In the midst of all the lying-themed dialogue, that type of loyal-friend lambast stood out like an brutally honest beacon. Well done.

[Sara]

I loved the episode. You guys did a great job. I really loved the idea that sometimes, when you know the truth is going to hurt, that telling a lie is really the only thing left to do.

It's like a fact of life.

[Sally]

Great Episode! I understand now that Derek believe his own lies. I loved this episode, but more than most it didn't just jump out at me what you were saying. I have been anxiously waiting for your blog to be posted. I, too, have been married a while - 13 years - and I have never been faced with making such a choice/decision. I don't think I'm as strong as Derek. Even though I think he's been a schmuck to Meredith, I do think he's strong to stay with Addison - whatever the reasons.

I do have a few questions - when prior to this episode did Meredith ever call Derek "McDreamy"? Other people called him that - not Meredith. She always called him Derek - or Dr. Sheppard if she was mad.

Why on earth would Addison agree to take the dog with it's obvious meaning and attachment to Meredith? That just doen't make sense for her character -especially if she is the Queen of the Land of Passive-Agressiva. I know you're trying to make her nice, but that's not how she started - and (what do I know!) it doesn't seem that she would be so kind and accepting of this whole ridiculous situtation - even though she probalby feels guilty for causing most of it.

One more thing - for a die hard fan - why can't Derek just say he's sorry? There have been so many opportunites - in the elevator when he said "I can't" on the bench on Thanksgiving when Meredith told him goodbye, at the Nursinf Home when Meredith called him on hurting her and playing with her mind - and many others. This just really bothers me. It seems like he would at least say "I never meant to hurt you," "I'm sorry this is such a mess" - something to take some responsibility and let her know that he is sorry. He clearly loves her. I'm all for honoring marriage vows, but then he and Addison should really start working on things - and he's going to have to really talk to Meredith at some point - he owes her that!

Great show! The writing is superb -and except for the McDreamy thing - you can't tell you guys are newbies to Gray's. All the characters were true to form!

[Gina]

Loved it. I loved that Bailey tried to lie and say she was feeling fine but ultimately had to give in to the fact that she needed a well deserved rest;Wonderwoman is human! Absolutely LOVED that George stood up for himself to Meredith. I even like that Derek and Meredith are both lying to themselves, eachother, and everyone else around them; completely relatable. Great episode with some great laughs. Oh yeah that reminds me, LOVED LOVED LOVED the hotdog competition!

[Baylink - http://baylink.pitas.com]

Well, that "you know you're making Addison and I into a family, don't you?" combination smile/grimace on Derek's face should earn Patrick the emmy this season, I should think.

Nice with the George, standing up to Meredith -- *her* mona lisa smile there was fun to read stuff into, too. (Don't you love it when viewers get it? :-)

All in all, a nice workman-like episode.

I'm trying to figure out what possesed the interns to do the hotdog eating contest after watching the competitive eater disappear with a torn esophagus *to go eat*. Nice bit with her and Alex, though.

You're having the spawn problem with Alex, I see; same problem House MD's writer's have: mean people have to grow, eventually, unless they're downright evil... but then they're not the mean people anymore. You use them up.

It's avoidable: don't forget to let Alex be the evil spawn occasionally, still.

Oh, and what do you do when the upper hand is on the other foot?

(And we finally found out What About Naomi! She has a *tumor*!! :-)

[Misti]

Im writing in response to the episode aired last night regarding Carcinoid Cancer... As a Carcinoid patient I feel that all Carcinoid patients out there were TOTALLY disrespected. This cancer is anything BUT HAPPY. If research had been done maybe they would have known seritonin is not the only hormone these tumors secrete... Maybe they would know that a Carcinoid lives in pain for MONTHS before the actual DX is made and are anything but HAPPY. I went MONTHS upon MONTHS before my DX was made and then for MONTHS after I still was in pain. I was not happy before the DX nor was I happy after-- again NOTHING HAPPY about this disease.

Carcinoid is a rare form of cancer and we need all the exposure we can get... but we need it to be the proper exposure... not some thought up story line with no facts what-so-ever.

I feel like all Carcinoids deserve a MAJOR apology from the story writers of this episode. Had they done even the littlest bit of research I can guarantee you there would have been a totally different story line when using Carcinoid.

[pam]

My favorite things about this episode was Christina finally admitting that she has moved in with Burke. I like the way their relationship is going. But, the clear standout to me, was George. He needs a girlfriend! He is just too adorable, and his interaction with the elderly patient was poignant.

Am still frustrated though with Meredith and Derek. He needs to send Addison away and do something about Meredith.

I'm glad Alex passed the boards, but I want Denny back. He and Izzy had way more chemistry than she and Alex ever had. Find someone new for Alex...Meredith perhaps? That could make things very interesting while Derek 'decides'...

:)

[Duane Collie]

What a shame you writers did not accurately portray Carcinoid Cancer on your recent show. Those of us who contend with it on a daily basis will have to pay the price of the mis-information you have given to the general public. You have trivialized our chronic cancer that currently does NOT have a cure. Please do your homework next time so the entertainment that you make your living from can also be used to educate. Thank you.

[Ali]

You two are awesome. Not only was your episode fantastic, but your blog is stellar. Humor, wit, and honesty--three very good things. And great observations about Derek being McDreamy and being McLiar to himself. He may want to believe that he can be nice to Mer without being *nice* to Mer (if ya know what I mean), but we all know that is certainly far from the truth. Love those sweet little lies.

Anyway, you're right--Derek's break with Meredith was abrupt. I'm thinking piano, dropped from a four-story building--wrong place, wrong time kind of deal. There was obviously a few things missing in the honesty department, for both of them. Derek's was huge--wedding-ring huge. And Meredith's was huge, but on a different sort of scale--her mom has Alzheimer's. So they weren't all full of truthiness (now, which show is that from? *grin*)--but Derek seriously dropped the ball on his end. Seriously. And he's still sitting on the fence, even when he's claimed that the fence no longer exists--you know? I'm rambling, I know...moving on...

But I love the fact that you showed Derek lying to himself. It's so true to life. We all lie to ourselves. We lie in order to deal--sometimes, it's how we deal. And the more untrue the lie, in reality, becomes--the more one needs to believe it. Lying is something of a survival skill, with a built-in Achilles heel, because lies don't last forever. Eventually, the truth breaks through and someone discovers what lies beneath.

Lastly, the characters in this episode were so awesome. Cristina is officially my hero and her telling off McDreamy was the most amazing thing ever. The way she did, twice, was perfect; her wording (well, your wording, I guess), was on point. She stood up for her friend who didn't, or couldn't, stand up for herself--because Meredith is, obviously, too emotionally involved. And the hot dog eating contest--so perfect. I laughed so hard I nearly fell off of my bed. Thank you for that.

And yay for George growing a pair. I'm glad that he stood up for himself. And that you all referenced the tampon thing from season one. Classic.

The last scene was one of my favorites. Derek took Doc. "It's just a dog." It's just a dog, my foot! Sheesh. It's not *just* a dog--it's Meredith's dog. And Addison gets some points for accepting (and appearing to like) said-dog. I don't know if I'd be able to taken in the dog of my husband's ex-girlfriend, but she did, and she did so with grace. But I loved the McDreamy looks--during the end scene, and when Derek drew Meredith's blood. They just can't seem to help themselves, now can those two?

Great episode. Seriously.

[Cris]

Great episode and GREAT show.
I love the work you guys are doing, keep up the excellent efforts.
There is no better show on tv right now!

[Carla]

Hi guys! EXCELLENT job on last nights episode. I just have one question....so if Derek took in Merediths dog, is that like keeping a part of her close to him??? Hmmmm....
GREAT to see some interesting patients, and the whole lying angle was interesting...I mean, Aren't they all lying in one way or another??

[gaclosetfanatic]

As someone who is in an 11-year marriage, do you think that the triangle is realistic at this point? Because I think that is what most of the frusterated veiwers are complaining about. We don't get why smart, strong Addison puts up with Derek's fickleness. And why two people who are supposedly trying don't appear to be doing a thing.

[Ale]

First of all, welcome since it's the first time you write this.
Second.. yes, many said they are tired of the same storyline being dragged in a totally unbelievable and lazy way. And with good reason. I have said it plain now.
I, as someone who like you writes for a living, understand the business needs of a show to have a certain number of episodes and to have a storyline develop in a certain amount of time. But with this whole Derek-Addison-Meredith triangle plotline things have been stretched too far. And way too long. The storyline goes back and forth without going anywhere, it's always stuck in the same point with nothing happening to get it out of the stall. It is not only making women look like doormats but also men like Derek look like jerks. And Derek isn't a jerk. And Meredith and Addison aren't supposed to be doormats. That's not what their characters are. And that's not what any modern successful woman is.
It's almost as if you are slowly killing the characters.
Meredith is always going through depressing storylines, which frankly is enough.. and seeing characters always going through misery simply becomes not only unrealistic, but also boring.
What's worse, when she isn't going through a particularly depressing storyline, she simply chooses to have an endless row of one night stands. Or get drunk with her friends. And of course, she never admits when questioned by Derek that she is completely and helplessly in love with him. To add insult to injury, you made her look tragically pathetic once again when Christina had confirmation that she was still in love with Derek.. and thought to go over to him and tell him to stop being McDreamy. Oh and by the way, Meredith still loves you.
This is not Meredith, the woman that we've met and we've learnt to love. Yes she has pain to deal with, she has problems in her life, but she is brave, intelligent, determined, competitive, and most of all lively. She has lost what more than everything else made her Meredith: her lust for life. That's what her and Derek have in common, and you've killed that in both characters.
And that's not only because Meredith's being given depressing storylines all the time, but also because the writers chose to separate her from Derek, and not for a period, to make them grow and take the relationship to a new level, but for more than half of the season at this point. And without taking the relationship story anywhere.
Meredith and Derek are what we all want to be when we're in love. They are radiant with happiness, they go throught he harsh moments, they long for their moments together, they fight, they cry and they laugh. They NEED each other to live.
As you said, they are soulmates.
Now, while I certainly do understand that Derek had to go back and try and work it out with Addison, or he wouldn't be McDreamy, (and most of all you wouldn't have a big enough number of episodes), things have gotten to a point where he looks like he perfectly knows he's in love with Meredith and yet he chooses to inflict pain on both himself and Meredith.
You have forgotten a big detail: he is perfectly aware that hs is in love with Meredith. He even told Addison.
What we are being given is not Derek, he has been turned into someone who cannot reason. And that is not Derek.
Because this is about plain reasoning..and plain common sense. 11 years of marriage are 11 years, but there's no way in the world that a person with such feelings for another woman would stay for such a long time in a loveless marriage. (Unless he was blackmailed that is. I don't even want to consider such kinds of story writing for a prime time drama as intelligent and witty as this one).
This storyline is simply gotten to a point where it is just evidently dragging on, and that is being done on purpose to just.. make time pass.
Addison, who was an evilly strong, intelligent, determined woman when she arrived in Seattle now has been turned into a character which isn't going anywhere. Whatever happens, she does nothing other than shrieking or moaning.. she just is there. She literally refuses to see the truth in front of her and keeps both herself and Derek in a state of misery. Derek doesn't end it, but Addison is equally guilty for not having at least a smidgeon of self-respect and leave a man whom doesn't love her as in "being in love" but only has the familiarity of 11 years spent together with her. This is not Addison, it's the character she's been turned into to make things go on and on and on without going anywhere like they have been for quite a number of episodes now.
This show had one thing when it started which made it absolutely different from the others: pairing drama with wit and liveliness.
And the couple who was the essence of that philosophy was Derek and Meredith.
They are being kept apart and not in an evolving, lively, interesting perspective.. but just for the sake of it, so time passes and episodes go on, without either of them realising that they only need to put themselves face to face, and just look honestly into each other's eyes, to realise they have a love to fight for.
It made sense to keep them apart for a while to let them realise the depth of their feelings.. but what has been done this season so far has simply gotten to a point where it's both unrealistic and meaningless.
This is what viewers are complaining about.
And frankly, I think they are right.
This also applies to Burke and Christina.. while others are going nowhere, Christina just gets away with anything she does, and there is nothing that she does that makes either her stop for a moment and think she is being unfair to Burke, or Burke stop and think that maybe it is time to talk things over and stopping to try and always push the fast forward button in the relationship.
This show has proven it can give and do a LOT more than what it is doing now in terms of writing.
Just bring it back.

[addict]

I just wanted to say that this was a great eppisode. I'm a big fan of Mer/Der but last night my heart went out to George. Everyone needs a Geroge in their life.

[Lexi]

i applaud you. great episode. "Oh crap, she's gonna blow!"
" penises and fingers are like apples and oranges."

freaking hilarious. :-D

although, there wasnt much, addie/derek action in this episode. well, cept the scene at the end where they take Doc,(which i loved)there wasnt like any. unless i zoned out.

but anyways. you guy rock.

ALEX PASSED!!! YAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

mmk. im done. love it.

-Lexi

[Margo]

Joan and Tony....nice job with last night's episode. You did well to show how many people were part of sweet little lies, and I liked how you also had some of them confronted (Christina to Derek, Meredit to Christina)and addressed in ways that changed a bit. Derek at least saw that someone else knew his "little lies" about interactions with Meredith were more than "being nice". He needs to stop given how broken a person she is. I also totally agree with you (and have felt this way for a long time). Derek is not being honest with himself at all regarding his own feelings for Meredith. The feelings and longings are still there deep within...we all know that and see that. He also still does love his wife and that's why he's there. How much longer are you as writers going to drag this thing out? I understand the complexities of it and the interst to keep people hanging with it.....but when is it enough and time to move on, make your choice and simply move on through. I know it's coming. Again...last night was another great episode. Glad you're both on board with the series.

[m]

LOVED this episode.

[Patti]

Is this writing staff TRUE TO THEIR CHARACTERS OR TRUE TO NIELSON RATINGS?

I have had enough of your games.

Shonda ..you should be ashamed.