Grey's Anatomy: Grey Matter

Shonda Rhimes on "What a Difference a Day Makes"...

Original Airdate: 5-7-09

Okay.  So…100.

100 episodes.

Which means I was so tired last night that I forgot to blog.  But I’m blogging now.  I’m here now.

First, a warning:  this is our last blog of the season.  It’s also our last podcast and today will be my last tweets of the season. 

We’re going dark, people.

Why?  Because next week’s episodes (two in one night) are so explosive and cliff-hanger-y that we, the writers, have all agreed that we can’t even talk about them.  For fear of giving anything away.  We honestly can’t say a word.  But know that we are proud.  Of the episodes.  And of you.  For sticking with us.  For 100 plus episodes.  For going through the good and the bad.  For having faith in us.  And our characters.  We thank you and we appreciate it.  There are not words to express how much we appreciate it.

So this is the last you will hear from us until next season.

What can I say about the 100th?  Well, there was a wedding.  Which made some of you cry and made some you mad.  There was Denny.  Which made some of you cry and some of you mad.  But mostly, there was a point.

I had a point!

That happy woman you saw?  Doing her solo surgery and smiling at the Chief?  The one giving her wedding away with warmth and joy?  THAT WAS THE SAME WOMAN WHO TRIED TO DROWN HERSELF.  That was our dark and twisty girl.  All grown up.  Whole.  Healed.  FOR REAL.  It was a day I never thought we’d see (well, I did think it but…hell, you know what I mean).  For once, Mer is the calm one. The happy one.  The one who is fine.  For once, Mer is whole and healed and happy.  She doesn’t have a problem other than the Chief peeking over her shoulder during her solo surgery.  She is excited about her marriage.  She is calm.  She doesn’t need her eyebrows shaved off to be numbed into the submission of marriage.  She is fine.

That is shocking, I think.  So I’m going to say it again.  SHE.  IS. FINE.

That was my point.  After 100 episodes, Meredith Grey is grown up.  She is the thing her mother wished for her.  She is extraordinary.  Because, to get past the crap of your past?  To move on?  To let the past go and change?  That is extraordinary.  To love?  Without fear?  Without screwing it up?  That is extraordinary.  It makes me happy to see her happy.

Now, Izzie’s got some problems.  Her tumor is back.  And she is scared to death.  But the thing is, Alex has grown up too.  Look at him.  Standing at the altar and saying those vows like a man.  He’s grown up.  And the two of them are married.  Which is unbearably sad because you know and I know the wedding wouldn’t be happening if it wasn’t clear that Izzie is maybe going to die.  But he’s become a man who can step up.  And I love him for it.

I went up to the editing room when the show was being editing and I saw my first images of Izzie lying in the hospital bed bald.  And I started to cry.  And I said to Susan Vaill, our brilliant editor, I said, “Ummm…I think Izzie is really sick.”  And she hollered at me “YOU MADE HER SICK!!!!” 

But here’s the thing.  Until I saw my Izzie, bald and pale and wheezing in that bed…I mean, she’s sick. She’s really sick.  And I didn’t see it coming.  My brain got ahead of my heart on this one.  It hurt my heart to see her so sick.  The magnitude of one of our own, that sick, it was shocking to see off the page and on the screen.  She’s sick.  She’s really sick.  And now I’m a little scared.

In this episode, Denny comes back.  Not as her boyfriend.  Not as the guy she hallucinates having sex with.  No.  Denny comes back as death.  Death with a capital “D”.  Did you notice the black clothes?  The way he speaks sparingly?  He’s death.  He’s death standing over her.  I kept chanting the Emily Dickinson poem --- “because I could not stop for death, he kindly stopped for me”.  That’s Denny.  I gotta admit, I’m crossing my fingers that he goes away.  Because, as much as I love Denny (and y’all know how I love him), I want him to get out of there.  Like Bailey says “YOU TELL DENNY TO GO HOME.”  Because I don’t want Death to get Izzie.

Did you see George follow Owen’s advice and  go where he was needed?  Right to Izzie’s side to help her down the aisle?  He wasn’t the hero.  He was on the team.  He went where he was needed.  And Lexie?  Saying “you’re breathing?”  One of my favorite moments ever.

And Callie?  Oh my god, do I love Callie.  And I love her with Arizona, a whole healed person in her own right.  There was something so painfully poignant about Callie admitting that she is broke.  That the relationship is no longer on equal footing.  That she feels like she is in over her head because her father disowned her and cleaned out her bank account.  I love that Arizona says “I like the girl who has the sandwiches.”  I like that they make me feel hopeful about love.   Callie deserves a little happy.

Owen and Cristina are still in pain, however.  I am rooting for them and you should be too.   He’s a good man, that Owen.  He’s good for Cristina.  And, if they can get past the choking, maybe they will make it.

But I’m coming back to Mer and Der.  Happy.  Completely and totally happy.  Which is rare for anyone.  But shocking for Meredith and Derek.  They really are soul mates. And they really are perfect for one another. 

I had a point.

So, what’s left?  The final two episodes.  Will Mer and Der get married?  Will Izzie live?  Will Owen and Cristina get together?  What’s going to happen to Bailey?  To George? To everyone?

There’s a point to that too.  You watch and you’ll see.

Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart.  For all 100 times you’ve watched.  For all 100 more you watch in the future. 

I’m grateful.

Not just yet...

As you can probably tell from the lack of a traditional headline, this is not the blog for the 100th episode.  There will be a blog for the 100th episode, but not just yet.  So please, come back tomorrow. It'll be worth your while. 

Krista Vernoff on "No Good at Saying Sorry (One More Chance)"...

Original Airdate: 4-30-09

Hi.  It’s Krista.  I’m saying, It’s Krista because it’s been a loooooong time since you’ve heard from me. The last time I wrote you was the second episode of the season, and now here we are, three to the end.   Crazy, that’s what that is. It’s not that I don’t love you, really. It’s just that we have this staggeringly good staff now who write really, really good TV. I love this staff because they make my life and my job so much easier. Also, because they make me laugh really hard every single day.  It makes me happy to have a life where people are nice and kind and funny and smart and no one is getting drunk and screaming and throwing things at my head.  My life was not always this good.
Which is why I love the episode you just saw, why I’m so, so proud of it.

What I just got to say to everyone watching was, “Advocate for the children in your life.”  I didn’t start out with that agenda. I started out with the theme of Making Amends – can’t remember who pitched it, but I loved it.  It started out with an idea about Thatcher finally getting sober and coming to make his amends.  But then one of the brilliant writers pitched this story he’d read about a kid who emptied a gun into his Dad. And the episode started to take shape. And it turned into an opportunity for me to say to millions of viewers, “Advocate for the children in your life.” And that makes me really, deeply  happy.  Because I was a kid who could have used an advocate. And I don’t wanna get all over-sharey and uncomfortable and make you feel like you have to avert your eyes cause you came here for some bantery writer blather and ended up in an unshot episode of In Treatment, so that’s all I’m gonna say. I was a kid who could’ve used an advocate.  And as an adult, I have never understood when other adults stand idly by, looking away and making excuses while people hurt children. 

I LOVE what Richard says to Meredith. I wrote it, so, y’know, I should love it – but I don’t always love everything I write – and man, do I LOVE that scene. I sat on set while the brilliant Tom Verica shot that scene and while the luminous Ellen Pompeo and the wonderful Jim Pickens acted it. And I cried. Every take. I just sat there crying take after take after take.  I cried for Meredith, mostly, because finally, FINALLY one of the adults in her life is taking responsibility for what happened to her. Finally, she’s hearing the words that she needed and didn’t even know she needed. People have tried to apologize before. Thatcher has tried. Richard has even tried. And it’s not that Meredith is hard-hearted. It’s not that she can’t forgive. It’s just that no one ever got it right before. She was just a baby. She was a little kid. She couldn’t stand up for herself. And here were all these adults running around acting like children and failing, every day, to fight for her. She was neglected and she was abused. Her mother, for those who may have forgotten, attempted suicide IN FRONT OF HER. This was an emotionally unstable woman, Ellis Grey.  Richard saw that – and he did nothing. And Thatcher, her freaking FATHER, who not only saw it, he lived it WITH HER, did less than nothing.  To make an amends is not  just to apologize. It’s to make a thing right. And Thatcher’s little scripted apology can’t do that for Meredith.   It can’t make it right. Her pain runs too deep. Her abandonment was too complete.  And so when Richard finally truly takes responsibility? It breaks down a wall in Meredith’s heart that I truly believe she didn’t even know was there. I think she’s as shocked by her tears as anyone.  And I think there is real and profound healing in that moment. 

Almost as much as I love what Richard says to Meredith, I love what Meredith says to the mother of poor little Maddy, who emptied a 17 bullet clip into her abusive father.  (And yes, by the way, there are 17 bullet clips. And no, 6 year old Maddy would not have been arrested and taken away from her Mom. We called the Seattle Police and asked. )  I know that what Meredith says and does is controversial, and I meant it to be.   I know that there are syndromes that abuse victims go through, and that perspectives get wholly skewed.  And I think Richard is absolutely right to order Meredith to stay away from that family. And I think Meredith is absolutely right – and powerful and awesome – to ignore that order.  And maybe it’s just my fantasy that an over-stepping doctor could prompt a woman that damaged to finally do the right thing and take a stand to protect herself and her child. But if it’s a fantasy, it’s one I’m proud to put on TV. 

There’s a lot more I could say about this episode, but I did the podcast this week, so I’m kinda sick of hearing myself talk about it.   So instead, I’d just like to say, once more, with feeling, please advocate for the children in your life.  With love, Krista

Sonay Washington on "Sweet Surrender"...

Original Airdate: 4-23-09

I won’t take up your time by telling you my name and that this episode of television is my first. I won’t tell you things about myself because I can hear you screaming “I DON’T CARE WHAT KIND OF TEA YOU LIKE TO DRINK, I WANT TO KNOW ABOUT MER AND DER!!!”  Because I understand what you want is a discussion of the episode.  So, I won’t tell you a thing about me.  Not until the end of this blog.  So here we go.   Discussing the episode…now.

Okay, too much is going on in this episode.  TOO MUCH I SAY!  People are throwing themselves out of windows, planning weddings, eating food by the barrels… And friendships are mended, a child dies and a daughter disowns her father. Okay, there’s a lot to discuss here, so let’s go.

Izzie is dying.  That really hit home for me after seeing her collapse.  I remember discussing this story in the writers’ room and Shonda saying “Izzie collapses.  This is the turning point.  She gets really, really sick.”  And I said “WHAT????? Izzie collapses?  MY Izzie collapses???  This is bull*!@# Shonda!”  Yeah, I said that.  It was all in my head, but I said it.  Seriously, it’s heartbreaking to see Izzie this way.  When Izzie fake codes and makes Meredith try on ugly wedding dresses, we get the sense that Izzie’s going to be okay - that the chemo won’t affect her.  And Izzie believes that too.  She fights to maintain who she is throughout the day until her body betrays her.   When Izzie vomits, this disease becomes real to her.  But what we also see is the beginning of a true friendship between Cristina and Izzie.  It took a lot for Izzie to admit that she’s sick to Cristina.  That the cancer is winning.  And Cristina is there for her.  She’s there to wipe her brow and to help Mer with her stupid wedding dresses.  And it’s for Izzie.  Cristina is there for Izzie.  And if anything comes out of this tragedy, it’s their friendship. 

And then there’s Cristina, who is hurting over Owen. Here is a guy she can’t have.  You see, Cristina never thought she would find love again after Burke.  And I’m not comparing Burke and Owen because they are very different, but love is love and Cristina feels it deeply for Owen.  And she can’t have him.  Can you imagine that?  To love someone and they love you but you can’t be together.  To see him everyday – every single day, and not be able to touch him, hold him, kiss him.  Well, this is the hell that is Cristina’s life right now.  She longs for Owen.  She wants him.  But she can’t have him. Because it’s dangerous to love him.  Loving him can get her hurt again. So Cristina stays away and watches him from afar.  Does she have hope for them?  That they will be together again one day?  I don’t know.  But I think we should hope for her. 

And Owen is trying.  He is struggling to heal himself.  He’s done with denial. Let’s face it, nothing hits home like choking your girlfriend in the middle of the night. Which is why Owen’s in therapy.  And I admire Owen for seeking help right away.  It’s brave.  Brave because he has to relive things that nearly killed him.  And yet he’s given himself over to Dr. Wyatt, hoping she can help.  And when Owen defines that feeling at the end, our hearts break because he is so tortured, but we also feel victorious.  Because there’s a chance Owen can mend.  And with that possibility comes hope.  There’s that word again…

And George.  When I think of hope, I think of him.  I wanted George to find himself – his strength as a doctor.  And he has.  Who would have thought that George “007” O’Malley would be a kick ass trauma surgeon?  Seeing George in action took me back to the elevator.  You remember the elevator right?  Intern year.  George and Alex are stuck in the elevator with a patient and the patient needs emergency medical.  George excels and Alex…well, Alex kind of chokes.  So yeah, it’s the elevator moment again and George saves a life.  Again.  I love that this happened again years later. In the bar, when Alex acknowledges that George is great at trauma, it shows that Alex has grown, just like Meredith. Alex would have never admitted George was better at something years ago.  Alex would also never admit to feeling fearful, especially to George.  And Alex is absolutely terrified because Izzie’s sick.  And he’s scared that she’s going to die.  And he’s scared of what that might do to him. And we see yet again, the beginning of a friendship. One between George and Alex. 

Speaking of fear.  Bailey is full of it because she has to tell her husband about PEDS.  Let’s not forget, Bailey’s marriage almost ended because of her job.  And now she wants to take on a new specialty?  PEDS will require all of her time and energy.  How can she tell her husband and expect him to understand?   And why is she doing this in the first place when she’s in the company of dying children all the time???  Well because she loves it.  And because the children…well, sometimes you save one. And that victory is worth it.  Worth the time and the energy and the risk of possibly losing something that’s very important to you, like your husband. But today, Bailey wonders why she’s doing it.  This sweet child that she held all day long, died.  And there was never a chance of saving her.  How does one become accustomed to such tragic loss? 

And loss.  Callie cuts off her father.  How brave is she?  Callie constantly surprises me. She never planned to introduce Arizona to her dad.  Not today.  But, she’s proud of Arizona.  Proud of her relationship and if her father supports her - like he’s always done - then he will accept her relationship, right? Wrong.  My heart goes out to Callie.  But my heart also goes out to Mr. Torres.  He loves his daughter more than anything in the world and he believes that taking her home will help Callie.  He wants to protect his daughter.  He wants to be there for her.  He wants her close.  So no one wins here.  Both Callie and her dad hurt. And we don’t know what this loss will do to Callie.  She has a strong family unit and who knows what life will be like as Callie leaps into life without her parachute.

Let’s end this discussion with some happiness. How proud are we to see Meredith all grown up?  I mean, she is.  Meredith is so sure that she wants to marry Derek Shepherd that it doesn’t even come up for discussion with Cristina.  Meredith is sure.  The only thing Meredith isn’t sure about is this wedding that Izzie is planning.  I mean, Izzie is going all wedding-planning-zilla on Meredith, except rather than go crazy, Izzie is using her illness to get everything she wants.  And Meredith wants to make Izzie happy.  No, this wedding isn’t what Meredith wanted – buffalo wings, hair in a pony tail, reception at “Joe’s” is what she wanted.  But Meredith has grown up, people, and growing means giving your dying friend whatever she wants.  And it doesn’t stop there.  Meredith is finally the big sister that Lexie wants and needs.  I LOVE when Meredith and Lexie approach the guys in the scrub room.  To see Meredith take up for her little sister makes us proud of Meredith.  And the last moment with Meredith and Lexie is wonderful.  Yes, we are happy that Derek and Mark mend their friendship but we are happier that Meredith is accepting her family.  That she’s letting people in.  That she’s growing. 

Hello.  I’m Sonay and this episode of television is my first.  I want to thank Shonda, Krista and Hammer as well as all the writers of “Grey’s Anatomy” for this opportunity and for being such an amazing support system. Tony, it was an honor. Also, thanks to all the assistants and the crew of “Grey’s Anatomy” for making this experience so memorable.

And I don’t drink tea.  I drink scotch. 

Stacy McKee on "Elevator Love Letter"...

Original Airdate: 3-26-09

Just so you know, I am a sap when it comes to marriage proposal stories. I love them. I love hearing them, I love telling them… I fully enjoy all the cheesy romantic oooey gooey-ness. I LOVE that Derek proposed! I LOVE that Meredith said yes! I can’t help it. I’m just cheesy that way.

But first things first. Entirely too much happened in this episode. TOO MUCH. Owen went all PTSD and choked Cristina in his sleep then she forgave him and they had ridiculously beautiful sex until she realized she had to dump him after all. Alex snooched (yes, you heard me right. Snooched.) into a cup for Izzie so her eggs could be extracted, fertilized, and frozen before her body gets all sick with radiation and chemo. Derek finally came back from the woods looking all Grisly Adams-ish to operate on Izzie’s brain and – and then… there’s that elevator. Where Derek proposed to Meredith, and she said YES.

Yup. Too much happened in this episode. I’m overwhelmed. I don’t know what to talk about first.

Let’s start with the unpleasant part. Owen. And the choking. This was a tricky one. Let’s be clear. This is not a guy attacking a woman because he’s a guy who attacks women. We did not set out to tell a story about domestic abuse. This is a story about PTSD.

Owen is completely asleep when he attacks Cristina. Asleep, having a nightmare. Remember the story we did earlier this season about the guy with night terrors? Same thing. Did you see how dead Owen’s eyes look? He has no awareness of what’s happening. And the moment he wakes up, when Callie calls his name and he snaps out of the nightmare – Owen is more discombobulated and confused than anyone else. That’s why Cristina’s line is so important, when she asks Meredith if it would be any more appropriate to abandon Owen right now than it would be to abandon someone who had suffered a stroke or a heart attack. Owen is wounded. He does have war wounds. Which, as a doctor, Cristina recognizes. And she’s not going to let that intimidate her. She knows wounds can be healed.

The point isn’t the choking, it’s where Owen goes from here... The story we’ve always wanted to tell is one of healing and awareness and treatment for PTSD. That’s part of what you’ll see Owen struggling with in episodes to come. But before we can get there, before Owen can be truly willing to seek out help – we needed to see him hit rock bottom. We needed him to realize that his symptoms aren’t necessarily within his own control. We needed him to choke Cristina.

And if you felt a little worried when Cristina and Owen started to kiss, if you felt a little twinge of heartbreak for the two of them as they finally, beautifully consummated their relationship… that’s what you were supposed to feel. It’s exactly what we see creeping into Cristina’s face, after the sex, when she can’t fall asleep. She’s having a very quiet, but very real panic attack right there in Owen’s arms. I feel like there’s a part of Owen and Cristina that knew – even as they were finally having sex after all this time – that this was actually a goodbye.

NOW – Alex Karev. Can I just say – the minute I saw the first cut of this episode, I ran into Shonda’s office and declared that Alex should ALWAYS do the voice over because it is just so fantastic! Right from the start, the second you hear Alex’s voice and see him pacing outside of Izzie’s room… you know this episode is a little bit different. It has a different energy, a different pace. Did you notice all the quiet, haunting moments? Did you notice there wasn’t a single big, scary medical Act Out? This episode is quiet. It’s still. It needs to sit in its quiet moments, not breeze past them.

I adore Alex, always have. And this was the perfect time to have him narrate the show, since he’s just learned that Izzie is dying. When Alex is venting to Meredith in the on-call room-- Oh man. (I’ll just preface this with the fact that – as I mentioned before,  I am a bit of a sap and, yes, sometimes I cry easily) but  I’m telling you –  we ALL teared up on set when we were shooting Justin in that scene. He’s just tremendous. We don’t get to see Alex Karev be vulnerable very often, so when we finally do… It is so worth it. Especially when he says that this wasn’t how he wanted to make a baby with Izzie... Love him. Couldn’t love him more in that moment.

And I’ve saved the best, of course, for last. The Elevator Proposal.

First of all, you should know that there’s a long standing debate in our writers’ room about what does or does not make for a good marriage proposal. Some of us prefer what Shonda calls the Oooey Gooey Disgusting stuff –  the more traditional proposals, usually involving grand gestures and flowers and rings and romance. But Shonda’s taste is exactly the opposite of any of that. The minute one of us launches into a romantic recounting of one of our own marriage proposals… Shonda basically covers her ears as though they might bleed. To her, those oooey gooey romance filled proposals are pretty much akin to… well… Hell. Which is why she’s Shonda. She’s a little dark and twisty - in all the best ways. It’s also what makes her a little like Meredith Grey.

So you can imagine just how hard it was to come up with what the perfect marriage proposal might be for Meredith Grey. It couldn’t be oooey and gooey. Couldn’t be a traditional, down on one knee proposal. But it’s also a piece of Grey’s Anatomy history, five seasons in the making. It needed to be true to who Meredith and Derek are together – what their history is, why they love each other, how they understand each other…

And it did have to be romantic. But not predictably romantic. It had to feel magical and fresh and totally, completely perfect for Meredith and Derek.

So what better place than their elevator? And what better way than by revisiting their lives together as doctors? It would be wrong for Derek Shepherd to get down on one knee. Even worse for him to offer up the ring he hit into the woods. Derek needed to give Meredith HER perfect proposal. Which, as it turns out, involved an elevator, light boxes and a lot of brain scans.

I love that Meredith only says yes when the proposal is right. She stays true to herself; she won’t say yes out of pity or because Derek needs an ego boost. She will only – can only – say yes once Izzie is fine. Once Derek is fine. Once the proposal is finally, totally right. And what I love is that what makes the proposal right is that Derek finally gets it. He finally understands and accepts completely who Meredith really is. Sure – she’s got a dark side. She’s seen more trauma in her life than most people. And, amazingly, she’s just about the only person this entire episode NOT suffering from PTSD. As Derek says, she’s seen worse, she’s survived worse, and she knows the people around her will survive it too.

What I love is that Derek finally puts into words the one thing she really needs to hear from him. That Meredith’s dark side is not a flaw, it’s her strength. It’s what makes her who she is. And that’s why he loves her.

See? Not too cheesy. Not too sappy. Magical proposals CAN be achieved, even without rose petals and rings in champagne glasses! Although, it does help when Grisly Adams finally shaves off his beard!

When I was pitching my episode down to Shonda, back when it was just an idea and nothing more, Shonda stopped me mid-pitch to say this: “Stacy. Just so you’re clear, if you pitch me that the last scene of your entire episode is the proposal, I will vomit.”

Which, given the fact that proposals basically make Shonda break out in hives, I should have been prepared for… And though it is entirely possible I maybe might have once upon a time planned on ending the episode with the Elevator Proposal, that is NOT how I pitched it. And that is NOT how I wrote it. Because that would have just been too Oooey and gooey. Too romantic. Too cheesy. Too me. And not enough Meredith Grey.

Plus, I really really hate vomit.